!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha... exclamations of happy-ness... wonderful-ness and general excited-ness

I'm going home in 2 days.... 2!!!

ok. on another note... i still have 2 exams! bleah!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=)

PHOTOS

and I'm off to church!

WOW. =) I'm 21.

WOW

Today has really been great. Thank you all for everything you did. I loved receiving the little messages on the tag board, through msn, on other people's blogs, through friendster, facebook... I felt overwhelmed. I didn;t even know i knew that many people! Let alone that that many people cared!

So thank you.

And Thank You God.

I had some time today, to go for a walk and run, and spend some time with my favoritest person in the world wide world. Jesus. It was good, though humbling, and I came back with some weight off my body (hopefully), but a little more weight on my heart.

It's ok. =) I'm glad i'm just 21. I've gotten through enough to have an unshakeable belief that God is real and He loves me... but I've got the many years on earth before me to fix up all the things I've done wrong, and to make them right. I will keep striving to be perfect... Because we are commanded to... but perfect in His eyes, not to myself. And one day, at the end of my road, I'll see the whole of eternity stretched before me, and I'll see... hopefully understand... what my life is in the grand scheme of things.

But for now, I'm content to handle the task that it before me. To finish school strong (means studying!), to take care of my body, soul and spirit, and to keep a look out for others... body, soul and spirit to.

I can't thank everyone enough for the love... and here's my prayer for all who have blessed me today

The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26

hi all

kathy reminded me my birthday is this weekend. Tomorrow is friday. and my head is thinking 3 things...
1) CAR!!!! be fixed!
2) EXAMS!!! be done please.... especially this french one...
3) HOME.. a week can't come sooner... and still... it probably can!

21? schwammy-wan!

haha... wonderful how brithdays are nothing... cos one day in my life??? count that against the hundreds, millions, kazillions of days of eternity... i'm not even halfway close to there. So i'll let that day pass in blissful oblivion (if kathy and eileen would let me!) and spend it praying that my car will be fixed and I will be able to go out and get stuff for my family that i can bring home! =) oh.. and did i mention the studying? yes.. the studying!

Seeya all in a week...

Eileen's on blogspot

Heh... so Eileen's finally got a blog... dunno if she'll actually be updating it for now...

heh... it's here!

By the way, she is pretty... and bubbly and bouncy. Haha... She's so funny!!! Well, it's imagining her saying it that is hilarious... =) but anyway... I'm so glad for someone like Eileen here in Tulsa!

And you know something else, I was looking through my old entries... realised I wrote alot more last year, about alot more things... especially counting down. Well, as of tomorrow, it will be a week before I go home. This time round, I'm dealing with alot more things, so... strangely enough, i only have a phrase... instead of a paragraph of ramblings... and it is:

I believe.

When is it that my life will calm down and everything will be like what it's supposed to be? I don't know... but right now, my answer is "never, and it doesn't matter a bit."

I didn't say i'm unaffected, or that I don't feel bad, but I understand that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. 2-3 years from now, this will be a good memory.

So this will be a long post. Sit down, be ready to hear me out...
FACTS
The electricity in my house went out on Tuesday night. By Thursday, they found that it was because a wire was burnt. By Thursday night, the electricity went out AGAIN. Today is Sunday, it's supposed to be fixed.

I've been staying at Jenn and Chris house since Wed night. They are AMAZING people... where would I be without them.

My car brake lights has shorted (uncanny resemblance to house issues), so i can't drive it around. Kathy has been in a car accident. And she's ok, but her car needs body work done.

I've studied and studied and studied... have written plenty papers and finals in the last 5 days. And there's more to go.

I'm turning 21 soon. And more importantly, i'm going home soon.

FEELINGS
Sigh. On mentionning 21, I feel guilty cos I wasn't able to call Hazel or anything like that. The situation i'm in gets hectic, then calms... but simply put, i couldn't... and I feel bad! Cos she turned 21 on Fri... Happy belated birthday Hazel!

I'm less stressed on seeing that I will get my work done, and I will do fine, and I will still no matter what be fine.

Thank God for strength and courage to confess His providence and love for me inspite and despite of everything I've been through. Church was tough for me today... because half of me thought of how I should feel abandoned and despaired... but most of me recognised that I'm happy and blessed and have a sense of peace about what is going on. I hated to miss my own church though (went to Eileen's)...

I dont claim to believe only when i'm high... but i cling fast to my faith when i'm low.

see you all in a week... maybe i'll post on my birthday with pics of the party kathy is throwing for me... or maybe i'll see you all physically in less than a fortnight!

its strange.

sometimes you want all the attention, and you feel like that one person you want attention from is too busy and all...

and then, it flips around, and you feel like you don't want all the attention, but that one person insists on giving it to you.

strange how you want there to be less time, but when you realise that there is so little time...

panic.

that strange emotion, triggerring the body's first defense and starting th stress signals in your body. Are you up to the challenge or not.

I have... a deadline for this friday that i did not expect... its for a final thats about 12 pages long. and that's not the end of the story. There's more, but i shall spare us all the gory details. All i know is...

by God's grace.

pray for me, and wait for me to be home. =) in 19 days!

*hug*

Almost there

It has come to my attention that I am 3 weeks and 3 days away for leaving for home. That's 24 days. I haven't been doing the countdown as much, mostly because I am preoccupied with other things. I have LONG lists of things to do before I leave, and when I get home. So what's new? =)

Well, I feel this year is slightly different because...
- I'll be 21! (what that truly signifies, I have yet to find out)
- My family will be home in the same house for the most part (that's really going to be interesting!)
- I'll be preparing my room for more permanent stay the following year
- It'd be a year since we got together officially...
- Becky can drive. haha... i don't know how much this has to do with me, but it's a pretty big change!

=) So all that's new. And all this is the same old same old.
I have to complete
- TONS of assignments
- sit for my finals
- buy stuff for people
- pack up everything

heh. I'm looking forward to escaping the cold, and eating good food... but more than that, being with my family, my sis, my boyfriend, my busy best friend and church... all that good stuff!

=) seeya in a bit!

riverside

After living 3 months next to Riverside Park, I finally made the venture across the busy road to check it out yesterday with Kathy. The park is basically a stretch of pavement about 10 metres above the river (now mostly dried up) bank and about 4-7 metres away from the main road (Riverside Drive). But the entire stretch covers maybe about 10 miles...

So I ran today, alone, from 51st to 61st and back (making it 2 miles) and walked from 51st to 54th and back, (making it 1 mile) for a total of... 3 miles!

Kathy has a plan for us to walk all next week, 5:30am tomorrow! =) heh.. now that's going to be exciting!

today

today

is one of those days where there's too much to say and no place to let it out.

is one of those days where the tears slip out without ceasing

is one of those days i go home, just so that I can cry... and then leave for my next class

is one of those days where i would like to get candles, bury myself under the cover and wish it would all go away

is one of those days where i desperately need the one thing that I cannot have

is one of those days where if God were not God, i would be even awake

is one of those day that i have to grit, grin and bear, hold back the threatening tears

is one of those days i wish i were home.

an update

hi all.

Wow.. i betcha some of you must be wondering what i've been up to. Truth is that the last few weeks have been absolutely... absolutely crazy... I guess we can say that it all started with fall break.

Something happened during fall break... and well, it was not a good thing. I had a car crash... and it was bad enough that both cars were totalled. Nobody was seriously injured, but it was horrible... and don't ask who's fault it was, cos i really well... yeah. it's over, and that's a good thing.

So the following week was school starting again, with all the homework, driving a rental car and just well, trying to get into the swing of school again... when on thursday, I found out that my car was a total loss and that I had the weekend to find and buy a new car... because they were going to take the rental back! So the desparate search for a new car began... especially since the next week, I was going to take on an extra project that required me to drive to an elementary school nearby..

To spare you guys the nerve-wrecking details, and the cumbersome financial facts, I now have a new car, and it's pretty nice. But i still miss the old one...

When finally my life seems to be going busy busy busy but rather smooth... I fall sick

And the only way to describe this week was sick. It started with a throat that HURT and felt infected on sunday, to a horrible cold/flu/cough/sore throat... by er... well... tuesday I guess. And so i stayed home on sun, tues, thurs and fri... trying to recover. I did see the doctor on thursday... and the medicine does seem to be helping. I can talk now! =) Cant believe i can actually hear my voice. It's pretty amazing! Thank God.

So anyway. that's what's been happening on my life.

On a happier note =)
I got a early birthday present! =) hehe... from my wonderful boyfriend... it was really sweet. I got a pair of pajama pants, a polo tee and a little vial of perfume. Heh.. it's a very early birthday present, but it feels so nice to be loved.

And.. becky passed her driving. Heh. I have not talked to her in a LONG while... but honestly, I haven't talked in a long while. But... yeah! I'm really happy for her actually. I cant imagine the amount of perseverance it takes to get through (not to mention the case sacrifices!)... But she earned it! yay. So now she can drive. this christmas break is going to be FUN!

And that being said... it's 33 days till i fly home! heh... it's almost just a month. Now, that's a truly exciting thought!

and yesh. if you want anything from the US, please place your orders now. =)

Courtesy of Kathy's friend's mother... I got to see some awesome awesome stuff!

http://www.cirqueproductions.com/cirquedreams.htm

=)

photos

photos... as promised!

share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=9AaN2TNk3asTg

school has started, and my life (social life) is on halt again.

*shrug*

you gotta do what you gotta do to go where you gotta go to get where you gotta get.

=) But God's been good.. what more could I ask?

finally stealing some time...

sigh... yes... can you believe it? I'm actually blogging... actually putting up a new post... the first in two weeks. =) I'm sorry. I know how boring i can be, and have been trying to save you all some time.

Actually... i've been really busy. The last two weeks have gone by in a blur, because, as can be seen from the previous post... there's school. School is still a puzzle to me. Sometimes it's busy, sometimes it's slow... but most of the time, it's just time-consuming. I've gotten very very tired of the purely academic classes... the ones I take to fufil general education credit and honors credit... knowing full well that about 99% of the class will never ever be applied.

Take as a classic example, Faith and Civilisation. Now... while i admit that forcing someone to think and comtemplate worldviews and such is education in itself, and yes, very much part of real life, I am just plain sick of it all.

Sigh. Good news is, that it is finally Fall Break. It's been, and will be busy... but i've managed to snatch some time away to do things I crave the most... read stupid stories, sing silly songs, watch sweet tv shows (all with happy endings)... and all good stuff like that.

I went to Eureka Springs, Arkansas over the weekend. I promise to have an album of pics up by the end of this week... but for now, here just one pretty picture to whet your appetite.

There are prettier pics... but I wanted to give you an idea of the height we were at. Lots of swerves in the road... like Cameron Highlands... but warm =) like 28-30 degrees warm =) (hehe... yay!). And of course, biggest accomplishment was driving the 3 hrs to and fro from Tulsa... =)

Right now I've got 3 papers to write, research and a couple of other pieces of assignments on my plate. Am babysitting tomorrow, going to work on Thursday and possibly heading to the mall on Friday. =) But i'm happy... I just need a break.

For all those who I owe emails to... I'm sorry. I'll get down to them... sometime this week =)

Oh and Hazel!!! =) Congratulations dear!!! I'm so proud of you for making it this far. Can't believe she has a higher diploma and is working already! =) You know, God is good... has blessed this friend of mine with alot of things... most of all, I guess He's been there through the tough times... times which i remember clearly... and hope never repeat themselves! =) All the best. and yes... =) I wish I could go to the ceremony... but since I can't, take pics! and send them to me.

off to some serious work.
love you all!
-jeanette

what did i did this weekend???

GASP! it was supposed to be productive... i was supposed to get a million things done... but i really... i really started on a bunch of things, and only really completed 3 assignments. Made good headway on like 2 others, made a little headway like 2 and then made NO headway one alot. one of them being the honors exam. I will try though.. it being now 7:45pm.. to study at least 5 chapters tonight.

*SIGH*

fall break can't come soon enough!

happy birthday to geri

I missed geri's birthday.

Lots of friends hit the 21 before me, and they all celebrate it in different ways. I got a chance to be with lisha and the girls on her birthday, but missed kel's... and qiu's... and well... will miss val's... but probably not chu hua's!

But anyway.. Who is geri? who are all these people?

I have to admit that I was never that close to my cedar friends. I envy those people who had the time of their lives in secondary school... to say the least, I barely hung out with my friends... i just studied in class with them. Yet this bunch of 7 girls (Alicia, Geraldine, Chu Hua, Qiuling, Junwan, Kelly and I (kinda)) have managed to find a way to stay in touch, to stay connected.

So anyway, today's birthday girl is the beautiful Geri. (that's the only picture I have of her! but i think she still looks cute!) Geri is special because she's got a serious yet super fun-loving streak inside her. I think she reminds me of a pixieish nymph... whimsical, loves to dream... lithe and passionate. But not frail... nope. Geri is really strong on the inside, and that drive and that resilience helps her to stand tall when the odds are against her. She really loves photography too.. =) Well, as a tribute to my friend, I can only say that she's really precious to me!

Anyway. There will be one year that i'll be able to make it for all our birthdays.
I want to say a little about my Cedar friends while i'm at it.
I love my Cedar girls... we make a heck of alot of noise... and while at times, i may feel very left out, being the only like... "foreign" one around... they make room in their lives and their hearts for me! The one thing about being with them that i can't find anywhere else? The boy-screen. Haha... We drag each other boyfriends to hang out with us for a chance to get to know them. I love that because no matter what, they'll be honest... but supportive... and best of all, it's a way of saying, "I accept you as my friend still, even if your priorities and life has changed". Now surely... how many friends would be willing to do that?

its been a slow weekend that has passed by all too fast.

and well, i feel like i got alot of things, and just nothing done. Homework done? well.. some..

But really, the pinnacle, the peak... best thing that happened this week was an online chat on saturday evening, your early early sunday morning with a special best friend of mine.

It's wondrously strange to feel like that. To feel like it's been too long since we've connected, and yet that if we were totally in touch, then we would not be where we are now.

It's better yet to know that despite it all, we had a very Christ-centred talk. I miss that.

In the end, God is good. so good. When we are good, when we are not. But the thing is, we are going to try to be good... right? =)

I wish i were back home. Not just for him, not just for her... but for me! Again, i miss the chats with cherie (darling girl sent me an email! =) ) and sundays with church and dtc... and the fellowship. argh! Miss you all... really!

yay!

tell me you're proud of me! I did my first 3 mile run since er... my summer... that was like may? so its been a while...

I know tomorrow i will ache, and all. but YES! I overcame. I'm happy.

I want to say that God is faithful.

Was reading revelations 2 for my QT this morning and i mean... it only struck me how hard it must be to be judged before God, and be perfect. But what I took from it was that though God cannot tolerate our sins and our failings... He doesn't condemn us, but rather gives us warning to repent! I mean... He could smush us and our evil ways right now, but He loves us so much that He'll work with us.

I think that thought came as I've struggled through this weekend. It's not been too good, and i basically feel like i wasted the weekend, but i am lethargic and "out of it". But God is still faithful to me... I got a 102 on a test I took today that I thought i bummed out on. To alot of people, a test score is no big deal, but to me... feeling unmotivated, braindead, tired out, sleepy, lonely and frustrated... those little numbers were a huge mega huge reminder that God is faithful, even when i'm not.

I may keep falling, failing and flailing... but so long as I keep on picking myself up... keep repenting, keep on loving... I'll be good. =)

french everywhere

I have a french test tomorrow... and like many chinese tests you guys have... my french is all over the place. I am TRYING to think french.

I mean?
What is this??

sigh. I have a couple more hours to memorise 4 pages of answers that will help me ace my test. I also have other things to do... sigh!!!

" Pathelin, l'avocat desargente et sans scruples se procure a credit une grande quantite de drap le marchand Guilaume Joceaulme. "

which is the first part of my answer to "Recontez un petit de l'histoire de <<>>. Some french classic! It is a funny story... weird but funny.

and btw, =) i'm coming home in december.

slightly off... if you know what I mean?

This has been a weird day.

I had a bad night, to get up (note i did not say wake up) and find that things are dark and dreary for Hozea back home.

Then work was a chore and a bore.. photocopying some more (yes, it rhymes)... and well, the boss was kinda weird again... kept teasing me...

Finally decided that i will come home, only to find that my air ticket that i found last night is no longer available... sigh.

And then to top it off, Eileen and I finally called this guy whom we heard to be a Singaporean and left msg on his phone... but then when i called back again, he claimed he was not that guy. So weird. I guess he thought he has stalkers or something!

sigh!!!

anyway, back to ma revision de francais et les devoirs necessaires! bleah.

the plague of indecision

oh would it be that I were omnicient
or least a tad worldly-wise
but being neither
I forever tether
on edge of "yay"
or perhaps... "nay?"
or yet again, "may... be."

Sigh. it's a plague... honestly! To think that people will tell me that i'm smart and some even say "brilliant".. whatever... and i cant even make simple decisions...

What am i whining about now? (heh.. that's a question becky would ask)

To go or no to go??
sigh...
- to go boston or not during fall break
- to go home or to SF during Christmas break
- to think about going Europe or not during spring break (jireh?? comments?)

whatever. this is severly frustrating. If only time, money, temperature, emotions, relationships, people, studies, jobs, responsibilities, and all the rest were not issues... heh. but then, if they weren't issues than life would not be life... it'd be a shelled existence.

anyway, to put aside the whining, and see the dilemma for what it is.. it's a blessing. God gave us choice. We always use that in regard to choosing Him or not. But He created us and reason and logic so that we can understand that when we choose something there are consequences, and then apply that to choosing Him, knowing that there must be consequences, even if we are not so familiar with what they might be now. Faith may be a leap, but it's a leap off a line of reason and logic.

argh. going off on tangents!!! back to the subject, what will I choose? sigh.
I still don't know!

long weekend is over..

what have I accomplished?

- talked to my boyrfriend for long times... about what? 2 hours on fri night, sat morn and sat night? that's 6 hours at least??? and that's going to have to be enough for somewhile, seeing as he has duty on saturday this week.

- ate, and got fatter. =) heh..

- watched a bunch of movies. On saturday, i watched 3 in a row!!! and well, then one yesterday and one today.

- done hw for tuesday (but no more than that...)

- cleaned up the house for Teri, who happens to now be staying with us in the house. She's an older lady going to study at Rhema Bible College... and she's sleeping on couch seat cushions.. on the floor! i'm amazed... but yesh.

Before I start on trying to do hw due on thursday, I want to say that I miss you all back home... =)

i guess i'll post it

i acutally wrote a post over the weekend? but didn't post it, i guess i shall post it anyway, make what you will of it, i'll be thinking more.

Sigh, guess i should give a quick update on how i am

I'm ok.
Practicum at Mental Health Association of Tulsa, Columbia TeenScreen Program has started. I'm pretty excited, only that right now it's admin stuff because the schools just started 2 weeks ago. Apart from the boring paperwork, the real part is screening kids for depression and suicidal tendencies.

I'm excited because it's something close to my heart. I personally can't imagine any 16 year old kid having a good enough reason to end their life, but i know it's possible. And yes, it's a little simplistic to treat every kid who screens positive like they have a mental sickness, but it's the first step to getting them help. 75% of Americans suffer from depression... chronic depression! It's a mental sickness yes, but i believe it could or could not be more than that.

right... anyway, gotta get back to work and to bed.
take care all..
=)

i feel burdened to ramble, so bear with me. Am currently reading three books (about 4 chapters a week) for an Honors class called Faith and Civilization... and it's been enlightening.

What struck me while reading is the how set apart Christian are from society, or popular culture. Many would say that they are antithetical and can never be fused together. The classic struggle, the world against the eternal.

The thing about Christians is not just that we follow Christ (though that must essentially be the most important part), it is not that we love each other and others, it's not even that we have a semblance of peace and hope that others cannot cling to. No... Being a Christian is to be called, to be holy, to be set apart.

Set apart in our worldview. Is there absolute truth? Would you believe that though 70+% of Americans profess to be Christians, only about 33% agree that there is absolute truth? If there is no Truth, then who is Jesus, what is the Bible and who on earth are we? If all roads lead to heaven then whose to say what's right and what's wrong?

Only God. If we can weight every "gray" issue against the clean pure white truth... then it wouldn't be gray anymore. Cos if you know what is white, whatever is not white, is not white. period.

It's so easy though, to convince ourselves that grey is close enough to white.

Yes, there are the big issues. Big issues like... premarital sex, homosexuality. abortion, divorce, cloning and war... But there are the little issues too...

I don't even know what i'm trying to say! I think that absolutes exist, and we better go and find out from God what they are, and then never let ourselves get even close to approaching grey.

Tu comprend?

Aujourd'hui, j'ai lire mon cahier francais pour trois heures! Mon classe cette semaine c'est Le Literature Francais. Nous sommes commencer a le Moyen Age. L'histoire du literature francaise c'est interessant, mais le vocabulaire est tres difficule pour moi. Je doit utiliser une dictionnaire tout le temps!

Sigh. yes, the struggle with "la belle langue francaise" continues...

PICTURES

Just as I promised.. pictures of the room. Heh.. if you try and use the bed as a frame of reference... You can see what the room looks like! The room, in cricular arrangement, starting from the bed and going right... is this...

The bed, then the shelf, and the guitar

view of the bed

After the guitar, a set of drawers and my closet, or wardrobe..
(I put the mirror up myself! =) )

view from my bed

then the door, a standing lamp and my desk...

the desk..

and then... back to the BED! =)
( the light made it weird, my shirt was orange, but the body pillow to the side of my head is pink! and the pillow on top of my head, that's striped orange, red and pink!)

me! happy on bed

And then we go outside to see Kathy! =)

Kathy doing her homework...

And then outside even more, to find the HUGE cat, Burbank!

Kathy and Burbank

That's mine, the 96 Toyota Camry. Care to suggest some names?

my car!

And then yes, this is home... from the outside! =)

the house itself

home for the next 4 months

I'm where I will call "Home" for the next four months. Or at least till I start talking about going back home, as in Singapore home. I wish I could show you pictures, but those will have to wait because I'm stuck without my camera.

So, i'm in transition...
Lets talk about the BIG picture, before we talk about the minute ones...

• I'm in my senior year. It's my last year to study all I want to study undergrad-wise.
• It's my last year in America. I have that much time to decide if I really love it or hate it.
• It's my last year away from family. Once I'm back, i'll be with family all the time. I guess this is actually really excting for me!
• And yes, It's my last year before I have to find a job and all.

While the big concepts cover everything, i'm also dealing with

• Driving a car.. urgh... and trying to find time to send it for a check.
• Get used to living off-campus. Which so far, is a blast... but has made me a little more lazy!
• Living with Kathy, an all-American grandmother who is graduating with me!
  
• Classses: this is a long one. I have challenging classes this year. Which is to say, as usual.. i will be working hard. Each class is like a mini transition, let me elaborate.
• Senior Practicum. This means that hopefully, i'll be working 2 full days a week, doing real social work.
• Faith and Civilization. This class is very "American" and big... and it's the Honors Fellow class. Intellectualism and critical thinking is neccessary. Heh, i need a huge mindset change for this one.
• Community Social Work. This class is hands-on and well... just a blur right now.
• Survey of French Literature. So far, this has been my most-feared class. But it seems alright, I have like 25 pages to read by tuesday though!
• Research Methods. Otherwise conveniently named as the "Kiel-ler class" (prof's name is Mr Kiel). Sigh, but it'd be fine!
• Being away from Singapore. I miss my boyfriend!!! yes... and I really miss being able to hang out with becks, hazel... miss mornings with cherie and seeing friendly faces around.

and that's that. But yes, this does mean that i should be back updating my blog more regularly as I have my internet back and all raring to go!

Pray for me yeah? that would be really nice...

in Hozea's house...

yay. I'm in Hozea's house now, using the wireless network here! haha... yah... it's nice to be able to use the net again, though it's not for fun! bleah. I'm here to do assignments... sigh. Was a GREAT feeling to send in the 3 that i've completed... i'm left with one last paper (10-15 pages) and then i'm DONE... for this class at least. =) Praise God, no exams!

BUT! I do have correspondence class work due next week. and those need some work as well... study study study.

But really.... though i say i wouldn't so summer classes again, I wouldn't have chosen another route anyway. It's either this, overloading by 3 classes next semester or staying in US till Dec next year!!! I rather graduate in May! =P

yay. so now off to rest, before starting on Singaporean Women and their position in Singapore society.

passing days

in a sense, the days here seem to pass me by... all of a sudden, i've almost spent a week here in Sabah... Things have happened of course... and we've been doing things, but yet, seems like nothing is happening at all.

Things are changing in my family. A couple of decisions made on a Saturday afternoon left our lives in a big tumble... one that will eventually land us all back in Singapore. I pray that it will work out... but you know, man proposes and God disposes. Just hopefully that this one God will back us up on. In a year's time, I'll be home with my jie, find a job and start working... and we'll be taking care of my brother. THings seems so vague and uncertain. Yet.. the date of my graduation is out already. =)

Another piece of news, i have a long dec holiday too! 4 weeks =) YAY! so I'll most likely be coming home after all!! haha... I think Becky and Hozea can understand my excitement. It shouldn't suprise you that I would be excited to go home.

Thinking about it, i'm not the adventurous type.. or not the travelling type. I've been told to make goos use of my time in the US and TRAVEL!!! but honestly, what i've seen on my 3 weeks road trip was great... but i'm more than prepared to not do it again... I'd want more time to spend in one place, less travelling, more experiencing and more getting-to-know-you kinda thing. When you're running around the US in a car, getting places seem more important than people sometimes... =(

Just another thought. =) Been really glad to be with my sis. Lately, we've been praying every morning and night for our family, friends, boyfriends (special category no?) and ourselves too. It's been a good discipline... and of course, when you ebgin to pray for someone, you find that you miss them less. =)

love you all! take care... seeya.. SOON!

Hozea and I =) *yay*

and now.. in Sabah

my travelling is not done... now in Sabah. In the last week, i've been to Singapore, KL and Sabah. Such is the life of a very very busy 20 year old.

For that matter, it's hard to believe i'm 20 and I'm attached. My grandparents and aunties and uncles over in KL, all are so super excited for me! haha... my grandma though... (i call her mama) is so different. I haven't seen them in 2.5 years, and all of a sudden, it's like... *wham*.. she's old and frail and soft spoken. It's kinda sad... but in a way, it's right... it's meant to be... It's hard to reconcile the fact that one day they won't be around in KL anymore, and i'll have no reason to go to KL... hmmm, well, maybe to see my cousins... but yeah. that's sad.

sigh... on a happier note. God is good. Church camp was excellent... i think that i got out alot more than I gave. God brought me there to do something with me... and well.. hopefully He used me in the process for other people lah... but really, alot of this camp was healing for me. I LOVED being able to be with the leaders in fellowship once again, missed out so much when i was in Tulsa. I also got to talk to Becky... haven't been with her enough.. but really... best friends are forever... so amazing lah. It's just like that. God is good. And i had a terrific group... and they were awesome... and I think they grew in camp. It was so refreshing, and such a blessing to be encouraged by them all. And yes, of course, I got to spend time with Hozea.. which was kinda special cos we both thought we'd be too busy with leading (for me) and games and worship (for him) to actually do anything. But, i think we learnt alot about each other during camp as well. So i'm glad he went, even though he didn't really want to. Becky too.

=) Things in Sabah are slow. OOH! I cut my hair. Not super short lah.. but enough to make me notice that a bunch of it is gone. Stop telling me i'm not adventurous. I KNOW i'm not. hehe... and i think i'm happy enough not trying to be lah. There's too much stress involved in trying to overcome the fear. Being with my family is rather routine lah. Get up, breakfast, do something, cook dinner, play at night, go to sleep... and so forth.

Missing Singapore... and my boyfriend alot. Sigh. oh well. i'll stop the mush. Will be back with my jie on the 4th July. She's leaving for Japan.. and I dont know when i'll get to see her again too. It's bveen wonderful getting to sepnd about more than a month with her. I miss her alot too. She is really the best elder sis in the world!
Pics will be out later... =)

back in tulsa

just wanted to let you all know, i'm coming home on the 15th early morning (what else is new) and going for church camp on the 17th June...

will be back in Singapore on the 4th July. Going to KL and Sabah after church camp

=) seeya all really soon!

in boston

well

Boston is
freezing cold.

other than that. My wonderful jie had graduated from TUFTS U, and will bemoving onto further studies at the Harvard... =) yay.

met my sister's friends.... in particular, Ken and Rachelle
Ken... haha.. scored lots of points with my parents and me. Nice guy all round lah. Kinda reminds me of Graham and Ben rolled into one. Stable and extremely nice, but a little cheeky and takes care of everything kinda "kor" feel... ut maybe i get that feel because it's my jie...

Rachelle.. such a sweetie pie. I love her for the way she loves my jie... and well, sh'es just fun.

okie.. fingers dying

post again maybe when i'm int he sunny land of florida

MIA

Well... yes, i admit it fully. I have been absoultely MIA for the last few weeks. Been a crazy spring and summer semester. I have learnt alot.

BUT... =) PRAISE GOD! The semester is over tomorrow and I will be on my way to Boston for a family vacation that will last an entire 3 weeks. =)

So.... no countdown to going home this time. Though from this day, there's like what 27 days? Hozea and I were counting just yesterday in an attempt to lift my spirits. Haven't slept more than 4 hrs a night for the last 3 nights. My nerves are fried out and my brain? heh. But of course, through it all, I have a sense of peace. God has been so good. providing me with a good friends to help me move to Kathy's, to stay over night and stuff like that.

So... haha... maybe i'll come online once in a while... but for now, =) I'm going to pack up and get out of here. Tons of things to do... as usual!!! I'll see you back home! haha... if you want anything from the US.... better tell me now...

Take care, love you all... and i'll be seeing you in a bit! =)

woah... =) it's been at least a week since i've posted... what can i say? this summer is way more packed than my previous summer experience. Maybe it's the pining for home, or maybe it's the fact that i am not enjoying what is being taught. In any case, as per normal, it's hard work.

no life! argh. haha... i've actually had alot of thing on my mind to say, but i mean, really haven't got a chance to talk about it. I mean, talk about it to whom? when? Besides the fact that i'm stuck a couple of thousdand miles, i'm also a couple of hours behind. this makes things hard for everybody!!! somebody has to call, and somebody has to be awake for a conversation to happen.... and that, haha.. does not happen very often.

Doesn't matter! i'll be back in time for church camp! yay! I'm excited about church camp. Really am kinda glad that it's been pushed back, so i could make it... though i really feel the lost for the poly people... but God will make a way if there is such a possibility... haha. i remember skipping JC classes to make it to leaders retreat once. But I was so blessed. And while the thought of combined sermons and all is rather daunting.. it's also exciting. I can imagine the amount of power that is present when a church is united... it's also just more love floating around.. whee... love is so good!

Hmm.. so what have I been doing? Studying, hanging out with Ling and Eileen... hmm... working. It so happens that I am the student working for hte engineering/physics dept which is going up for accreditation.. i spent 5 hours in the office today... typing and such. yup. i dont intend to keep spending so much time, but i somehow do!

okie dokie... will go and rest for a bit. overworked today... =)

moved!

so instead of enjoying the last four days after my exams... i have been... MOVING! yup, out of my fall/spring room to my summer room. =) I'm sharing this room with eileen (see picture) for 17 days... haha.. then we MOVE out again! argh.. i hate moving... gives me alot of stress...

here's eileen looking miserable of the unpacking to do, after all the packing..

new room

me? I'm the worse for wear. I've done all the moving completely on my own. Have got myself really sore arms, legs and back... couple of bruises (one huge bump on my shin), cuts and more. I'm pretty tired out, and cant believe that summer school starts tomorrow... and in 19 days i'll be off with my family in Boston. Till then i have as usual... tons of work! haha... whats new right? This year I have er... 3 classes... compared to last years' 5! so not so bad. gotta brush up on my french though.

Il faut que je parlerait francais parce-que je doit prend classe francaise quand l'annee dernier?

heh.. *hug*

SEE SEE!

driver license!

Praise God! I'm so excited... that it's finally over, that i dont have this burden on my shoulders! I can drive! haha... (i was so excited i almost posted it with all my information on there!!! but thankfully remembered in time to smudge it all)

in the midst of all my exams.. all I can say is...
"Oh Lord, how you bless me!"
I know i've done so many things wrong... i've been stressed and angry and mad and sad and well... in all my "despiteness" God, is still God. How blessed am I, that I am not the one in charge? I'd wreck my entire life just the way i've wrecked... well... just the way i've wrecked my relationships with some and stuff.

By the way? I know I'm not supposed to email till after my exam is over... but I want to say sorry first. I truly dont understand what is going on, but I think it's the not understanding that is my fault... so yeah. I can't make everything better, but I will be praying for you and your finals, and hopefully that everything will be perfected in God's timing.

jireh and I 

gosh... i'm angry... haha.. maybe i need to go for some of the anger management classes that I work with at my practicum site. I think i've handled them pretty well though.

I'm angry that my teachers don't seem to care about how much load their students can take without breaking down and have their brains fried. I mean literally fried. It's ridiculous and I know it, but it's my what.. hundred thousand dollar education and I have to accept that God is bigger than their assignments and finals.

I'm really sad. I guess i should have known better... and not tried to care for everyone and probably end up hurting everyone instead. But... my intentions were miscontrued.. and gosh. that's just not fair! I dunno.. i guess i feel that i spent all the time, effort, money and everything... to show someone I cared... not to get whacked for the.. ARGH!!! ok.. i'm stressed and defensive and it probably isn't a big deal. What i cant figure out is... does she really think i'm that callous? or is it just her self-esteem. Neither is really a good answer...

okie.. sorry for that. =) haha. am i ok i guess i wil be in about 4 dyas when this craziness is over and I can just er... throw myself into another kinda of hecticness.

been a while since i updated huh? haha... guess why?

good guess! it's finals next week... haha.. needless to say, i'm taxed, stress and desiring to simply sleep. I actually need to be doing alot of things, but am putting them off.

well. the countdown is what?
57 days to singapore,
31 days to end of school
9 days to finals

i know, counting down makes me happy.

I failed my driving test! argh

so so insane. I'm slightly bloated and emotional right now, i think i will go and hide under the covers till i'm ready to face the world.

you know? it's one of those weeks that a simple "i can't talk to you" can make me cry... or stupid things like forgetting to transfer money so that i'm running into deficit in my bank account, or not collecting my cheque, or not finishing my essay, or argh! stuff lah. well.. suffice to say that the tears come like *snap* haha. take it as a warning... this week, unless you love me a whole bunch, stay away. haha. not that any of you are anywhere near me anyway right?

i'm much better now. =) Thanks for all the concern guys...

It;s been a crazy week.. especially for someone just recovering from the fever. But then again, it was cos of the fever that I had piled-up work and hence a busy busy busy week. Not to say that this week is not going to be busy. What on earth am I talking about?

Well, currently, I am putting off writing my 15 page paper. I have about 3 pages... well-written. and about a 1 1/2 pages of ramblings.. I am determined to write at least up to 7 pages tonight... and then tomorrow morning, another 2, afternoon another 5 and then finish off with another 2 at night, plus the checking.

this means I should not be here rambling away. But I am! heh. I shall put up pics soon... but I had a great weekend. Jireh, most wonderfullest JC friend that even existed. =P came down to visit me... and well, it was good. It wasn't "it was a blast!" good... it was "sigh, *smile*" good.. we talked alot... and still had more to say lah.. of course. but i mean... after not having seen her for two years... it did me alot of good to have her with me... to encourage me. She is such a blessing!

and more stuff lah. Darren (kor kor!) heh, came back to Tulsa for this weekend, and was absolutely great in taking us out... brought Eileen and I to the mall too. He's awesome lah. I mean... haha.. metrosexual maybe... but he's really nice about letting us shop, helping us get what we need... and despite the fact that he doesn;t talk much, i like being around him. He's that kinda of guy you can call and know that everything will be alright.

For that matter, so is Ronald. Maybe he's deprived of younger sisters.. but yeah. This weekend, he sacrificed Ling's apartment so that Jireh and I could spend the night there (she's not allowed to sleep in the dorms). And he was SO nice about it too... even sent us there himself.

Haha... yeah. God has been good to me lah. Maybe the reason why I am slacking right now. =P After getting through last week, I feel like there's nothing that can stop me. Tomorrow night, and possibly Tuesday morning, I might be desperately working on my paper. Argh. for now, I am mildly content to say "Thank You God".

You know? It's 2 more weeks to finals... which will be over in 3 days. So the official countdown goes.... 17 days to end of semester, 37 days to family holiday and 66 days to Singapore.
Well.. of course I will be immediately off to Malacca, then KL, then Sabah... before returning home for a longer period of time... but wow. I know to you guys it's a bunch of numbers, but to me, it means something more.

Knowing that the end is in sight. That there are no longer infinite days to be waiting. It really eases some of my burdens. You all know how much I miss home, miss my friends, miss my food, miss my church! yes.... heh. since I'm ranting, and raving. I might as well go ahead and miss away.

I miss...
breakfast in the morning with cherie: hearing good news, sharing good news, praising God.
worship on sunday: whether leading with Ivin, or standing next to Becks, singing away.
dtc and the great discussions we can get into when we are actually trying to learn
sunday lunches with hazel and the rest... tomyam or fish soup
sunday afternoons with hozea... just hanging out
saturday mornings and worship practices
BAY and the entirity of the afternoon being taken away
my cell girls and their sincerity, and their open-ness
Captain's ball
Dinner at night: hot and sweaty, but really great fellowship
stayover at becks' house: whether we talk all night, or we crash and fall asleep...
friday leader meetings.

and then more...
endless vcd watchings with my jie, with dark chocolate, fruits, bread and butter... and i-spy
reading books in the library
marine parade
watching movies and squirming at the horrible scenes
seeing cute things that i want to buy
eating peanut pancake... and waffle!!! argh...
milk tea, teh-c, teh-bing, green tea, chrysenthemum tea...
cycling under the stars
sitting on swings
early morning breakfasts alone at Blk 156

sigh. =) Well, i know that when i go home, there'll be things i miss here too... maybe not so much, but i cant say I wont miss the open skies, the squirrels... =)

i hate fever

fever=miserable=alone in room=hot and cold=homework not getting done= sleeping alot= tired=achey=bored=frustrated=sad=bad=mad

bleah...

Eileen turning 21...

eileen and me


me in the restaurant


elaine, yiling, eileen (try saying that fast!)


yay. back in my room!

lesson learnt

I can't control my future
I can't decide my destiny
for goodness sake,
I can't even say what the weather will be tomorrow!

I can control one very important thing,
I can determine my choice.

and today, I choose to let what I can't control
fortify my faith instead of feeding my fear.

Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason,
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me
The way that You do,
I'm going to walk through this valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
That You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So if the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I cant hear You answer
My cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through,
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.

A song that has kept me breathing when everything around me crumbles, a song I can sing with understanding because the valley is the present. But a song I can sing with joy, because there's a hope that He, is not through with me yet.

haven't updated in a long while... it's been strange. It's hectic, but slow-going. Maybe all the hectic activity is inside my head. I have SO much work to do, and yet it is being done... God is amazing... that's all I can testify to. Because when i think about it carefully... I'm still sitting here, wishing I could be something else, yet the work is getting done.

I'm starting to LOVE weekends. They never used to be any different for me... I'd work through them just as if they were school days without school. It's not like I don't do that now.. i just work through them and take long breaks in between, to nap, read, chat and stuff.

things to get done (so I can see it)
Research Paper on Physical Environment with Presentation (by 5 April)
Evaluation Paper for Group Dynamics (by 5 April)
Aesthetics Paper on Christianity and Art (by 11 April)
Response Paper for HUM 350 (by 15 April)
Policy Analysis Paper (by 15 April?)

So yeah.. those are the major papers. For most of the classes, there's only going to be the final left (yay!)... so now it's just plodding through slowly... because I mean, I have school in between now and those dealines, which make them so much closer! don't you think.

Taking time in between though. I'm struck by something. I can't imagine, the emotions of God... when He takes me into His arms. I've walked away, ran away... sometimes even tripped and fell away... and yet, again and again, though He sees me for who I am. Empty, weak, sinful and poor... He takes me back. That's the wonder of it all, he didn't just sacrifice His blood... He sacrificed his dignity... It was not just physical pain... which was hellish, I'm sure... but it was emotional. It was willingly being mocked and ridiculed for choosing to love me. Now after all that, can I still turn my head away? I can't.

AMAZING!

Amazing Love
I'm forgiven because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
And I'm alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing Love
How can it be
That You, my King would die for me
Amazing Love
I know it's true
And it's my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You.

I think... I think I take being alive and well for granted. But truly being alive isn't about existing, it's about existing with meaning. That's what sets life apart from non-life. I know I can be passionate about alot of things, and some of them seem like godly ambitions, and some of them secular. But it's what i'm passionate about that makes me live. I am passionate about God... but i'm passionate about Singapore, about relationships, about helping, about art... but my purpose? I guess it's to honor God. Can I do it? I hope so... but not by my own willpower. By my own strength, i'd be lying in my bed failing again and again. I'd be cranky, snap at loved ones, have nervous breakdowns, walk around in a daze and never seem to kick the guilt feeling and find peace. But with God, it has already been done. He died, to give me life, not an existence... but a purposeful life. It has been done.

Is is really my joy to honor Him. To be honest, that takes time. I can't say that I don't enjoy serving God... I do, I love ministering... but it's not just about being in church with people I love and can pour out into. It's more. Honoring God with joy means sitting in Tulsa with joy, it means studying with joy, it means talking to my parents with joy, it means connecting with my friends with joy, it means living out my responsibilities with joy... maybe it even means missing home with joy. Lately... that's not been happening! BUT! I'm claiming my joy back, i'm leaning on Him. I want to be able to be real about the joy inside of me.. it's welling up!

I'm holding nothing back
I give you every part
My soul has been released
Your love has captured my heart...

sigh. he called after all... just when i was about to sleep

it's the end!!!
I can't believe my spring break is over. I haven't done much... not enough to consider it a productive break. It was however, a very restful one. I should say slack.

Am I an extrovert? I think I may get a certain kind of energy from being with people. That hyper happy cheery alls-good feeling. But when i'm alone, I think I'm happy too. It's a more de-motivating motivation energy. haha... like i get more energy to do nothing. for me... doing nothing requires alot of energy. I dunno. I like being buried in my room, i like talking to only a couple of people, i like that nobody is affected by what I do.. to an extent. back home, everything is different.

oh well. I'm going back to enjoy my buried-ness. call me out if you dare.

Oh.. so strange... Braden called me today. He's a friend, an ex-ORU fellow.. used to be in like my class.. but i honestly am not very close to him? But yeah.. kinda was closer to him than any other of the fellows.. but right now, he's back in Kansas studying Art, and I dont ever talk to him muchk except when he calls, for fun! He called me to tell me when he'd be visiting ORU... and whether I'd be free to hang out. He's just weird.

Haha.. i so rarely get calls from guys that it always freaks me out. Still does. Even when Dr. Halsmer returned my call about work, I was like "Who is this??". ha. I rarely get calls... that's fine. I've grown out of talking on the phone every night. I remember like 8 years ago.. haha... talking on the phone through the night was the "must-do"... now, i get sleepy, and i put down the phone.

Heh. I'm glad Braden did not call me back like he said he would, even after I told him "er... you don't have to call me back". haha...

break
rest
sleep
hibernation
solitude
isolate
bury
break

finally

i was thinking about...
i was going to...
i was just about to...
i was meaning to...
i wanted to...

is not the same as
"i did"

sigh.

backing off

"Have it your way!" thrown in the face of someone you love could mean frustration, anger and hopelessness. "Have it your way" said with willing hands and a willing heart, means something very different.

I think this morning, i started two fights. I started one between myself and Reason, and I started one between myself and someone I love.

My fight with reason, did not last long.
"Reason? why is it that you are not on my side"
"Why should i be!"
"Why not!!! I make... i have a right to all these things... a right... right?"
"Well... no."
"Well, I don't need you to be on my side. I can do whatever I want... after all, I am a child of God... a princess! Am I not deserving of better?"
"haha... well you a princess? Now that's unreasonable... but you are right. You are a child a God. He doesn't need me on His side... He has his own principles. But you, young lady... you aren't abiding by His either!"
"oh... well I am going to now. *sticks my tongue out at him* I guess I'll do what is right, instead of what I think I will give me what I deserve. but no thanks to you!"
*I toss my head and walk off, leaving reason with his mouth hanging wide open* I think God and him had a deal today...

The second fight... that lasted a bit longer. Because doing what was right in God's sight meant I had to be humble, it meant I would not get what I wanted, it meant I had to let it go. "Have it your way..." I mumbled to God... and reluctantly, I withdrew from my fight. I stepped back, and then forward, this time, armed with gentle encouragement and love instead of hurtful and accusatory words. I guess that fight ended.

This is not to say I am entirely happy with what I did. What I started out with this morning, cannot be erased... it's still there, and even if I do my QT at 4:30am, before I meet anyone else... it's still there. In my heart, I always want my way. And God's way.. at least today, was not my way till me and Reason, we had that little chat...

I figure me not making things hard was good. At least I knew was not cutting down and destroying. Did what I needed, which I thought I deserved, ever get to me? Er... yes, but not in that way. To say the truth, I still want something... but I guess I'll keep giving God His way, and maybe... He'll give me the desires of my heart?

eh! look here hor!

haha.. for my fellow singaporeans

SINGLISH

enjoy.

finally....

pictures of DC!

You Cover Me

Your grace is like blanket
keep me warm

You watch my back
push me out of danger

You lid me tight
I don't grow stale and jaded

You place a veil
I remain pure, a mystery

You write a prose
I am my story

You shelter me
I am safe and secure

I was going to write a blog to rant about my 4am day, rather, I am struck by God's covering on my life.

BACK!

i'm home. now tired and stressed and lots of work to do.

BUT. i had a great time. loved the capital. =)

off to Washington DC!

yup, i'm taking a week off classes (administratively excused!) to go to the capital of USA to attend the David Barton Leadership Conference. It's actually a conference for government and history majors, but I can take this trip for HUM 350 and then substitute it for HUM 111 or 112. Works out good for me, even though i am slightly concerned about missing all my classes, especially since i will have 2 tests that I have to take the following monday, and then 2 major major papers in the next week, not to mention a plethora of other activities.

it'd be fun though. i'll take lotsa pics and post them when i'm back. =)

Father Healer

i have alot on my heart tonight... so bear with me as I tell my tale. Believe me, share with me... be encouraged.. that God is GOD!!! and I are mere man.

On Monday night, at leader's prayer meeting (for the wing), Amanda (Chaplain) shared that she was going to share with the girls about first being a child of God, before anything else. God laid upon my heart to share the song "Precious Child" by Vineyard, a song that I have kept in my heart since Australia. I however, anticipated being stressed and having a math test and homework due, as well as papers... and I refused to act. I never told Amanda or anything. About 20 minutes before devos, the burden grew stronger. I hadn't been able to do much math and I was stressed out. But somethind in me cried out to be obedient. So I went and told Amanda. God was there, because Mandy who was originally playing pulled out at the last minute due to studies, and Amanda was about to ask me. So first *whoa*.

But I was not there just for the song. Throughout the devos, Johanna had complained of this pain in her neck that was getting to her back. She was struggling to sit properly the entire devos, and I sensed her discomfort. I was so anxious to pray for her. Well, Amanda, Charlene, Tamika and I laid hands on her and just prayed. I remember what I prayed... and I remember what Amanda was saying.... and I remember kneeling behind Johanna, my hand on her back calling "Jesus". After she got up, she started to yell becuase the intense pain had gone. It's not completely healed, we are still praying. That sounded to me like one of those healing rally stories my school excels in, on TV, in magazines, books... not in Amanda's room. But I knew?... while i was praying, i felt her healed. It was just that. a deep sense within.

What am I saying? God is loving and He is powerful. Not only to love us as children, but to love us enough to push us when we don't do whats right, heal us when we hurt, teach us to trust Him and let us know that He is around.

I'm full of fear for God. I dont think I understood that till now. Inside me, there's a deep trembling. Thank you God for giving me as many pushed as I needed to make me be there, thank you God that we could pray for Johanna, thank You God that You moved mightily. I'm alive, and God's alive. and He lives in me today!

God is so awesome. I know. Whoa!!!

now i shall rest in his presence as I sleep for a couple of hours before hitting the pythagorean triples and all. God... who heals, who calls... =) thankfully can impart wisdom and intelligence too!

新年快乐

whoa. spend the wee hours of the morning calling up my relatives in KL and singapore., in between, i woke up my poor darling jie to go and call the fam too!

sigh. i'm not say upset about calling them. i have a test today... so i am up studying... and i'm eating and drinking coffee to stay awake... but the compounded lack of sleep is getting to me.

anyway... off topic already. just wanted to say that i wish i could be in SOME home for CNY, Singapore or KL... just with some people that love me, that i love... and enjoy family for once. Those who are with family, relish it. You never know when you may come to appreciate those cheek-pinching aunties, or uncles who ask the oh-so-important question (are you attached? where's you girlfriend?) (haha.. that was especially for Kel...) and the noisy cousins.. some which you get along with, and others that you don't/

be grateful.. haha. really!!!

he's coming back... ready?

for the last two weeks, i've been attending service at VCC, next to my school. Pastor Billy Joe has been talking about the end times... I wonder how many of us out there have been thinking about the very same thing.

Jesus is coming soon. It will always be like that, till the day He comes. Time to him, is not fixed like ours. Instead of trying to predict when He's coming, we should be ready to go now. I should... but am I?

I know i'm where i'm supposed to be. God will find me here, he will recognise me. am I worthy to be raptured? that's tough. I hope so. I hope i've obeyed him enough, kept pursuing Him and righteousness... and deserve that, and the crown and the throne room! but will i have regrets? YES. plenty. things that i wish i had said or done, and people i wish i could have said or done more for.

God, forgive me. For not being selfless enough.

I guess i wont know when He's coming, i know i don't. All i can do now is work out my salvation with fear and trembling. Be prepared to be judged. Know that i did everything out of a love for Him, and a desire to obey Him. Be ready to face Him, to thank him for all the sins that He will not hold against me, and be ready to receive a judgement call. I want to be a sheep, not a goat.

there's mroe to be done. way more. but i can start here. by sharing and praying... and being where God wants me to be till He moves me to someplace else.

I still have hopes and dreams. plenty. But that's ok. God didn't ask us to not to hope for the future, just not to put off what is better done today, for tomorrow.

flipping over

i'm handing in the reins
bouncing the ball in your court
letting you take the lead
washing my hands clean
passing the buck over
giving you the keys

release

i've been swamped by Godly principles. good thing too. only that i have too many thoughts to concisely put it for everyone. I just want to say... (this just happens to be the last thought of my day)

i always want to be wanted, to be chased, to be needed, to be pursued. you didn't do that for me. but he's been after me for so long.

i always hope you appreciate me, enjoy me, be pleased with me. you don't give me the kind of approval i'm always looking for. but i am his delight!

i always want to be respected, treated well, loved and cared for. you always say you tried. but he's given it to me time and time again.

and thats the difference between me, you and him. Good thing is that i'm just as flawed as you are.... and he's just the exact opposite.

a human fails a human's expectations, a human does not attain a human's hopes. Only he can.

i wonder why when i can sit back and think about how demanding i am, how he can still love me. see the goodness in me. where is my goodness? my goodness resides in him... and he resides in me. isn't that awesome? that when he sees me, he sees me... but he sees himself too.

*ok... see what i mean by i'm thinking too much... good for me though. to meditate on his law and word day and night*

uplift me Father, i surrender
i cant hold on, i cant keep repeating my troubles
deliver me somehow
give me music, give me my new song
i want to sing again
God, You have never failed me
in You alone, i will find strength
life, full of hope, joy, peace and
love.
Father God, save me.

I'm saying a prayer. i had a long qt this morning, which is good... making up for my 10 mins ones wehre i'm super sleepy and all. I guess the key is not to do my qt when i'm sleepy. sometimes i feel like i have no choice... but i do. I can choose to wake up.

my important choice for today is:
I choose to trust Him. I need Him to rescue me from who i am. cos sometimes, i feel like i'm digging my own grave. like when i've slept 4 hours, have a quiz, 2 meetings tonight, and want to jog, study, play and breathe. and stop eating. But i trust, that somehow, God will get through my thick-headed skull... and work things out for me.

pretty winter

a wintry morn

same morning as below. took this with eileen's camera on our way out to the cafeteria. nice right? would have gotten a really nice shot of myself in the chair looking and contemplating, but it was weat and had snow. so that was a no-go.
Yes, it only snowed once here.... and I'm grateful. though it snowed, and the weather was warm and it melted. and then it melted, and the weather is COLD again.

winter snow

snow


and more...

not very clear pics... it was beauttiful! unfortunately, ling borrowed my camera, and so i had to use my webcam... which well... =P oh well... you get the idea. It was nice... snowy but not freezing cold. Sad thing is that it's all melted. sigh....

sleepy.

yup, my room is packed and cleaned. my files are organised, my list of homework to do is written. I think before i set out to accomplish everything, i will take a break

i will probably sleep... and be up in an hour or so.

fuzzy warm

bear!

fuzzy wuzzy and warm. He's super huggable, and... argh. simply put, it's an awesome gift from an awesome person. =P haha. Hozea sent me this as a suprise (for v-day i think) but it came a bit too early... nonetheless it was the right time for me! I really needed some TLC yesterday... haha and he cheered me up immensely. So thank you dear... thanks alot!!! And I will think of a better name than "Brownie" soon, =)

=) here you go

• clime: climate, the weather in some location averaged over some long period of time
• milieu: a) an enviroment or setting |b) the social setting of a mental patient
  
• palimpsest: a) a manuscript, typically of papyrus or parchment, that has been written on more than once, with the earlier writing incompletely erased and often legible |b) an object, place, or area that reflects its history.
• redolent: a) having or emitting a frangrance or odor |b) suggestive, reminiscent
  
• epithet: a) a descrptive word or phrase |b) a defamatory or abusive word or phrase
  
• thetic:a) beginning with, constituting, or relating to the thesis in prosody (which is the study of verse)|b) presented dogmatically; arbitrarily prescribed.
• corpus: a) a large collection of writings of a specific kind or on a specific subject |b) collection of writings or recorded remarks used for linguistic analysis.
• vacillate: a) to sway from one side to the other; oscillate |b) swing indecisively from one course of action or opinion to another
• ephebe: a youth between 18-20 years of age in ancient Greece
  
• transmuted: to change from one form, nature, substance, or state into another; transform
• emanate: a)to come out from a source| b)to give out or emit

sorry it took so long... i was busy!

English... =) how baffling

A couple of interesting words in my prof's thesis on inter-textuality, anyone care to hazard a guess? I'm sure that you know some, and can guess a few... =) hee.. there were even more, but i got tired of typing them out. Answers tomorrow people!

• clime
• milieu
• palimpsest
• redolent
• epithet
• thetic
• corpus
• vacillate
• ephebe
• transmuted
• emanate

sigh

Mac mini


Sigh. Mac products just blow my mind. Introducing the Mac mini. a round of applause, if you will, for... well, technology!

you know when you are tired, and you have these waves of lightness that flood over you? yeah. i have that. I have been up since i dunno when this morning, and it's close to 1 am here. gosh. that's like the latest i've been up since i've been back here? argh. haha. tons of things to do. tons and tons. all my fault because i did not do them on saturday or sunday. you reap what you sow... and I sowed nothing over this weekend, so i better start sowing soon, or i will not be reaping anything. Thank God for His grace though, for when i am weak, He is strong. and best thing is... i am so unworthy of anything, yet i am precious in His sight. how does that make sense? i dunno. But i do know it's true.

goodnight peeps!

more earrings

feeling so unmotivated. thought i'd try and so something i've been wanting to do for a long time. didn't get much done, but here you are, the newest additions to my bandana from my trip home!

i'm really tired. and feeling very lethargic. dont want to do anything but read, sleep and eat. i think i had a fever last night actually... that may explain why i am tired. I don't know. need to get cracking on the homework, so i shall, even though i currently dont feel like it. we shall see what i can do.

mini revival

i have so many things that i want to say. I wish I were at home, i would probably share it in cell group, or even at BAY.

Lately, God has been bringing me, tthrough what I consider is a little spiritual revival. I want to share because I'm excited, I want to share so you all can keep me accountable, and I want to share to encourage you.

It started with repentance. As all true revivals must. To put my life in perspective was hard, because I had to jugde myself. I had to see how selfish I had become, how self-centered. I had to see how apathetic I felt towards somethings, and how I had let myself be deceived into believing things were fine. Most of all, I had to recognise my sins, (many plurals involved here) for what they were, choices I made in defiance of God. That's how base I am. I know I have this good and gracious God... and He is so forgiving and loving... and I took advantage of that, and I flouted all the rules, knowing He loves me and would forgive me. How evil am I to not understand that pain He must feel when I know, and intentionally hurt him, to do something which ultimately leads me to destruction? I don't know. But I know I made very bad choices... choices with friends, with giving, with family and with attitudes.

You guys may think i'm nuts. Saying all this. But it takes some confession in order to show God how sincere I am. I don't ever want to be that kind of girl who forgets her calling for her own dreams. But as I repented, and promised to remain committed to obeying God, my passion for people, change and ideas began to rise up again. I know this feeling. Something I haven't felt in a while, SIHFIAW? (Is that it?) .

So here they are, I am committed to: Spending time with God daily, in prayer, journalling, reading His word, and just being. Being still before God is very important this year. I am going to find some way to be actively involved in church, even if it's dishing out food, I will find something. I will pray for my girls back home... too many to name. I will try to keep Becky and Hozea accountable. I will keep track of my non-christian friends. I will communicate more with my family. I will minister to the girls on my wing by encouraging them and praying for them.

I will repent daily, and maybe have a mini spiritual revival everyday.

Do this for me. Ask me to pray for you. The other day, someone sent me an email asking for prayer... I prayed on the spot... but later that day, I was so burdened to keep praying about it. And I still am. I can't guarantee that I will be burdened for every prayer, but I guarantee God will. I really... i love my youth back home alot... and I can't do much but email, chat and pray.

Long blog? Last thing for now. This is a message that was given on Wednesday Chapel. Be inspired to find your destiny through these guidelines:
M: Make godly plans on purpose. Prov 19:21
A: Ask directions. Trust the Word of God as your map. Prov 3:4-5
P: Pace yourself. Don't burn out. Numbers 20
Q: Quit being pig-headed. Luke 15: 11ff
U: Undo your mistakes. Mark 11:22-25
E: Experience life.
S: Stop listening to bad advice. 1 Cor 15:33
T: Take time to fall in love with Love. 1 Cor 13
(MAPQUEST is the name of a popular search engine that Americans use to find the way to their destination)

Don't be afraid to repent, and fix what went wrong. Don't be afraid to judge yourself now, because it's better you see yourself, then wait till you face God on the throne and have nothing to say. Enjoy a mini revival, find the route to your destination in Christ. Do something.

please.

say hi to the fam!

my family

from left to right:
Chen Enhan Jonathan aka: jono, boy, jon, enhan, jon-jon. Aspiring musician, computer and math and science and english whiz (he's smart lah!), book-lover, computer games fan. Weapon of choice: squeezing various family members under the guise of a "hug". Really good boy though... considering he's 15 this year.
Tan Hang Khee aka: daddy, dad, father (to us), dear (to mum) and "hunky", uncle monkey, alan, and more to friends and all. God-fearing, hardworking, sporty, bold and brave pioneer. Does everything, wants to make everything right. Loves to play board games, do crosswords (indoor) and then spend every other second outdoor... hiking, playing basketball, soccer, golf... what-have-you-nots. Lately, daddy's been very affectionate.
Victoria Tan aka : mummy, mum, mumsy, mother! (to us), dear (to dad). God-loving, flag-raising, spirit-filled, praying mother. Loves us, brought us up well. Has her ridiculous moments of buying ah-ma clothes, getting excitable and pointing out things she wants. Love to call her by all variations of "mum", especially when i'm whiny. ooh... mommy can cook really well... and dance too!
Chen En'Ai Jeanette aka: er-jie (to jono), 'ai (to jie), en'ai (to dad) and nanette (to mum). The latter is unfortunate. Happy laughy one, creative, helpful. Apple, pineapple, strawberries and fruit fan. Refer to comments below.
Chen En-hui Elizabeth aka: da, jie, dajie, sis, sissssssie (when i'm whiny), enhui (to dad and mum), miko (to relatives). Smart, generous, wise, talented, godly, independant. Parents defer to her for decisions at times. Right place, right time. Jie's the best dajie on earth! Lately, she's been through alot. Strong and yet broken. Closest to me.

It's hard writing about myself as part of my family. I don't know if I have an accurate assessment of what my family thinks of me. Officially, I am the fashion consultant (what shirt matches? what skirt should I buy? which colour ah?), the "pretty" one (cos I mean... i guess that's all i'm good for!), the artsy one (can you draw this for me? enai, help me color. I want a shirt with glittery flowers ok?) and the fruit-cutter and eater. But i'm also the flighty and stray one. My family constantly reminds me (don't get lost, where are you going? what are you doing? why are you giggling? make sure you come back ah!). I think they like me being helpful (i do the cooking when i'm back in sabah), but they also think I get too involved with other people.

I'm closer to my mum and my sis. Jie and I have been through alot together- we stayed on our own... and still do whenever we are back in singapore together. She's a year older than me. We talk, email, msg, skype and pray. I'd be such a mess if God did not give me my jie. I love spending time with my mumsy her when she's around... she's awesome and I know she loves me, even when she doesn't support everything I do. She's my mum and still needs to be the one who holds the rod firmly.

I am thankful for my family though. For my godly heritage, for my upbringing. For the sheltered life I had, and have... and for the letting go that they have been willing to go through. For the love that has helped me to find God's love, and has helped me to pour out love to others. God, =) Thank You. Be glorified in us.

sunday

I was struck by one thing in my text book... which is that as Christians, we often think that we have to be perfect, and have to portray perfect. Truth is that while God intends us to live a victorious life, it doesn't always work out that way. And we need to be honest with that, and then learn to share it, learn to give it back to God, learn to let go... learn to be broken.

I think i struggle with that alot, to be honest. So here's an entry from my heart. I'm not perfect... but I strive... but meanwhile, I can stumble and stumble and its ok.

Today, for example, I am awfully lonely. I miss my morning teh-C/breakfast with cherie. I miss sitting in the worship hall and waiting for people to arrive, I miss worshipping with people i love, I miss sitting next to a sleepy becky... I miss being able to say "we" instead of "i" in songs, I miss looking at familiar faces, I miss rushing down to find my grandma, I miss tea fellowship and meeting random aunties who ask after my parents. I miss sunday school, and the loitering with others before and after. I miss hozea and the time we spend on sundays . It's not like i'm all alone here, but it certainly feels like I am. Everything today is almost a buzz... my mind, alot of it was in conversation (or whining) with God. WHY? WHY? WHY? why am I here? why am I not home? why is home so far? and yet, I know the answer.

"I am here" "I called you here" "There's something for you here" "You're learning more than you would" "Stop being selfish, get out of your comfort zone" "Stop whining, you are getting what every other student in Singapore wants" "I love you, I'm with you..." "I'll give you strength to get through" "Use this to glorify me" "Get equipped!"

Is there resolution? I think i'm stable... God is good, and I am rather base... but for God's amazing grace, I am alive and loved... and I can learn to deal with it.