i love God, and i love this church!
TLC is absolutely incredible. God is too... and more and more I'm excited about Bible Study, about spending time with other Christians and about just living for Him. I may only have 3 months left in Tulsa, but i'm going to "do the church thing" cos I love God and for some amazing reason, I have a joy and a peace in my heart about this that will not die out!
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 20, 2006
a little getaway
Eileen and i had a little getaway this morning/afternoon. It's strange how i see her SO much less... now that i only go to school once a week... She has her own life, and I have mine, and once in a while, on a weekend, we get a chance to sit and talk. Today's location? First Watch.
On the menu? Coffee, omelette (gravy train)- Eileen's, cranberry nut pancake-mine (though we always share!) and loads of conversation.
I miss that.
and then my thoughts had their little getaway.
It's not like I don't miss being able to hang out with you... or being able to talk to you like i know you, or being able to understand you. But it's true... just like in the past, barriers that are up find it hard to come down... and with the little time I have, it's not been possible. I wish things were different. I wish like Eileen, there would be at least one day a week for some time out. But its more like one day a year, if that.
I rationalize it like that.
But inside it hurts. It hurts that you feel rejected by me. It hurts me to see you so wary and clammish that I dont have a chance to get in. It hurts that you don't understand me either, just the same that I don't understand you anymore.
At the end, i smile. I think that I have to stop feeling guilty for having changed, for being away, for not being free whenever you are not busy... for having family around. I think that you have to stop feeling guilty for not understanding what's goin on, for not being free, for not being comfortable, for holding on to the ghosts of the past.
I loved the past. I thought it rocked. But i'm trying to love the now. I don't think it's that hot. But what? Roll with the punches (with the nodding head and the head movements)
Sigh.
Ahh.. what a mental getaway. I know i'm far from perfect, and i never claim to be. I wont claim to be who i'm not. But I did, do and will love you as best as i can.
On the menu? Coffee, omelette (gravy train)- Eileen's, cranberry nut pancake-mine (though we always share!) and loads of conversation.
I miss that.
and then my thoughts had their little getaway.
It's not like I don't miss being able to hang out with you... or being able to talk to you like i know you, or being able to understand you. But it's true... just like in the past, barriers that are up find it hard to come down... and with the little time I have, it's not been possible. I wish things were different. I wish like Eileen, there would be at least one day a week for some time out. But its more like one day a year, if that.
I rationalize it like that.
But inside it hurts. It hurts that you feel rejected by me. It hurts me to see you so wary and clammish that I dont have a chance to get in. It hurts that you don't understand me either, just the same that I don't understand you anymore.
At the end, i smile. I think that I have to stop feeling guilty for having changed, for being away, for not being free whenever you are not busy... for having family around. I think that you have to stop feeling guilty for not understanding what's goin on, for not being free, for not being comfortable, for holding on to the ghosts of the past.
I loved the past. I thought it rocked. But i'm trying to love the now. I don't think it's that hot. But what? Roll with the punches (with the nodding head and the head movements)
Sigh.
Ahh.. what a mental getaway. I know i'm far from perfect, and i never claim to be. I wont claim to be who i'm not. But I did, do and will love you as best as i can.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
we have tickets
Tickets are special.
They say that the holder has a reserved place, usually a specific seat, to attend an event or to ride somewhere. It means that you have a right to be somewhere at a certain time and there's proof. A real paid-for ticket almost for certain guarantees that you will use it.
hee... =) and i'm filled with glee cos we have tickets! I've already got my ticket to go home to Singapore... heh. =) the excitment is heightened by the fact... that my wonderful boyfriend has a ticket too... It's not all settled and smooth yet, but he does have a ticket! =)
All this talk about tickets reminded me of heaven and my ticket. Can't believe that I would make such a BIG deal about getting a ride home to Singapore... and not be that excited about my final ride home to Heaven. The best part of this exclusive ticket I have, is that i got it free... but nobody can take it away from me, and everyone else can get one too. I wonder why we dont all want this ticket... i mean. It's real, it's free and it comes with well... more than just a trip into Heaven... it comes with love, joy peace... and life! REAL LIFE. I say... grab a ticket! =)
They say that the holder has a reserved place, usually a specific seat, to attend an event or to ride somewhere. It means that you have a right to be somewhere at a certain time and there's proof. A real paid-for ticket almost for certain guarantees that you will use it.
hee... =) and i'm filled with glee cos we have tickets! I've already got my ticket to go home to Singapore... heh. =) the excitment is heightened by the fact... that my wonderful boyfriend has a ticket too... It's not all settled and smooth yet, but he does have a ticket! =)
All this talk about tickets reminded me of heaven and my ticket. Can't believe that I would make such a BIG deal about getting a ride home to Singapore... and not be that excited about my final ride home to Heaven. The best part of this exclusive ticket I have, is that i got it free... but nobody can take it away from me, and everyone else can get one too. I wonder why we dont all want this ticket... i mean. It's real, it's free and it comes with well... more than just a trip into Heaven... it comes with love, joy peace... and life! REAL LIFE. I say... grab a ticket! =)
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Sunday service (s)
today was a great day at church. I miss church.
I know.... confusing right? Well, I went to Life Connection. For everybody's understanding, it shall now be referred to as TLC. And it was SO good... Kathy went with me, and the worship and the message were great. But more... so much much more than that... the presence of the Holy Spirit was there, and it lingered, and fell down, and blanketed the congregation, leaving a sweet, restful, but yearning sensation on our hearts.
But i missed church back home. Bukit Arang (BA for short). I looked down at the bulletin i had stuck in my bible, the one that my wonderfully talented boyfriend had designed... and I felt a pang of sadness wash over me.
anyway. church attendance matters aside... i learnt 2 very important things.
1) How to disciple. That was kinda what the sermon was about, and it was very good... and very simple. Many of us think discipleship is a class, some even think its about going through a beginners class. It's true... discipleship is an introduction... but it's not an introductory course in the sense of a classroom setting with books and teachers... it's an introductory course in life. Being a disciple is about learning to live... and we make disciples, not by going through a routine book, but by
1) sharing our life with them
2) giving them tools, or gear to live
3) helping or teaching them to use those tools.
I won't say it's not difficult. Investing and engaging others with life is probably more difficult than reading from a book and getting them to repeat the four spiritual laws, in correct order! But it's what Jesus did... and it's how we should make disciples too.
2) There's a BIG difference between guilt and conviction.
I have not figured out the intricacies of this statement... but I know that i succumb to feelings of guilt easily. But guilt... that feeling is really not from God. Guilt is a feeling that Satan gives us... when we or others judge ourselves. It helps us feel inadequate, feel worthless and unredeemable... but it most make me feel like I did something wrong, that God wont forgive me, and I must fix it all by myself. ALL WRONG. On the other hand, conviction is a word from God. It's a judgement from Him alone that avoids the condemnation and the "you are pure evil" feeling, and instead says "this action... not your being, but this action is wrong, and you and I (God) can fix it. You give it up, and I take it away."
Both are things not easy to deal with, and one is easily mistaken for the other. But with guilt only comes a series of more guilt because humanly... we can never repair our mistakes. But with conviction (which requires an open heart), come repentance, forgiven, redemption and peace.
I wonder what you learnt at church today...
I know.... confusing right? Well, I went to Life Connection. For everybody's understanding, it shall now be referred to as TLC. And it was SO good... Kathy went with me, and the worship and the message were great. But more... so much much more than that... the presence of the Holy Spirit was there, and it lingered, and fell down, and blanketed the congregation, leaving a sweet, restful, but yearning sensation on our hearts.
But i missed church back home. Bukit Arang (BA for short). I looked down at the bulletin i had stuck in my bible, the one that my wonderfully talented boyfriend had designed... and I felt a pang of sadness wash over me.
anyway. church attendance matters aside... i learnt 2 very important things.
1) How to disciple. That was kinda what the sermon was about, and it was very good... and very simple. Many of us think discipleship is a class, some even think its about going through a beginners class. It's true... discipleship is an introduction... but it's not an introductory course in the sense of a classroom setting with books and teachers... it's an introductory course in life. Being a disciple is about learning to live... and we make disciples, not by going through a routine book, but by
1) sharing our life with them
2) giving them tools, or gear to live
3) helping or teaching them to use those tools.
I won't say it's not difficult. Investing and engaging others with life is probably more difficult than reading from a book and getting them to repeat the four spiritual laws, in correct order! But it's what Jesus did... and it's how we should make disciples too.
2) There's a BIG difference between guilt and conviction.
I have not figured out the intricacies of this statement... but I know that i succumb to feelings of guilt easily. But guilt... that feeling is really not from God. Guilt is a feeling that Satan gives us... when we or others judge ourselves. It helps us feel inadequate, feel worthless and unredeemable... but it most make me feel like I did something wrong, that God wont forgive me, and I must fix it all by myself. ALL WRONG. On the other hand, conviction is a word from God. It's a judgement from Him alone that avoids the condemnation and the "you are pure evil" feeling, and instead says "this action... not your being, but this action is wrong, and you and I (God) can fix it. You give it up, and I take it away."
Both are things not easy to deal with, and one is easily mistaken for the other. But with guilt only comes a series of more guilt because humanly... we can never repair our mistakes. But with conviction (which requires an open heart), come repentance, forgiven, redemption and peace.
I wonder what you learnt at church today...
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