lesson learnt

I can't control my future
I can't decide my destiny
for goodness sake,
I can't even say what the weather will be tomorrow!

I can control one very important thing,
I can determine my choice.

and today, I choose to let what I can't control
fortify my faith instead of feeding my fear.

Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason,
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me
The way that You do,
I'm going to walk through this valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
That You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So if the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I cant hear You answer
My cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through,
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.

A song that has kept me breathing when everything around me crumbles, a song I can sing with understanding because the valley is the present. But a song I can sing with joy, because there's a hope that He, is not through with me yet.

haven't updated in a long while... it's been strange. It's hectic, but slow-going. Maybe all the hectic activity is inside my head. I have SO much work to do, and yet it is being done... God is amazing... that's all I can testify to. Because when i think about it carefully... I'm still sitting here, wishing I could be something else, yet the work is getting done.

I'm starting to LOVE weekends. They never used to be any different for me... I'd work through them just as if they were school days without school. It's not like I don't do that now.. i just work through them and take long breaks in between, to nap, read, chat and stuff.

things to get done (so I can see it)
Research Paper on Physical Environment with Presentation (by 5 April)
Evaluation Paper for Group Dynamics (by 5 April)
Aesthetics Paper on Christianity and Art (by 11 April)
Response Paper for HUM 350 (by 15 April)
Policy Analysis Paper (by 15 April?)

So yeah.. those are the major papers. For most of the classes, there's only going to be the final left (yay!)... so now it's just plodding through slowly... because I mean, I have school in between now and those dealines, which make them so much closer! don't you think.

Taking time in between though. I'm struck by something. I can't imagine, the emotions of God... when He takes me into His arms. I've walked away, ran away... sometimes even tripped and fell away... and yet, again and again, though He sees me for who I am. Empty, weak, sinful and poor... He takes me back. That's the wonder of it all, he didn't just sacrifice His blood... He sacrificed his dignity... It was not just physical pain... which was hellish, I'm sure... but it was emotional. It was willingly being mocked and ridiculed for choosing to love me. Now after all that, can I still turn my head away? I can't.

AMAZING!

Amazing Love
I'm forgiven because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
And I'm alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing Love
How can it be
That You, my King would die for me
Amazing Love
I know it's true
And it's my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You.

I think... I think I take being alive and well for granted. But truly being alive isn't about existing, it's about existing with meaning. That's what sets life apart from non-life. I know I can be passionate about alot of things, and some of them seem like godly ambitions, and some of them secular. But it's what i'm passionate about that makes me live. I am passionate about God... but i'm passionate about Singapore, about relationships, about helping, about art... but my purpose? I guess it's to honor God. Can I do it? I hope so... but not by my own willpower. By my own strength, i'd be lying in my bed failing again and again. I'd be cranky, snap at loved ones, have nervous breakdowns, walk around in a daze and never seem to kick the guilt feeling and find peace. But with God, it has already been done. He died, to give me life, not an existence... but a purposeful life. It has been done.

Is is really my joy to honor Him. To be honest, that takes time. I can't say that I don't enjoy serving God... I do, I love ministering... but it's not just about being in church with people I love and can pour out into. It's more. Honoring God with joy means sitting in Tulsa with joy, it means studying with joy, it means talking to my parents with joy, it means connecting with my friends with joy, it means living out my responsibilities with joy... maybe it even means missing home with joy. Lately... that's not been happening! BUT! I'm claiming my joy back, i'm leaning on Him. I want to be able to be real about the joy inside of me.. it's welling up!

I'm holding nothing back
I give you every part
My soul has been released
Your love has captured my heart...

sigh. he called after all... just when i was about to sleep

it's the end!!!
I can't believe my spring break is over. I haven't done much... not enough to consider it a productive break. It was however, a very restful one. I should say slack.

Am I an extrovert? I think I may get a certain kind of energy from being with people. That hyper happy cheery alls-good feeling. But when i'm alone, I think I'm happy too. It's a more de-motivating motivation energy. haha... like i get more energy to do nothing. for me... doing nothing requires alot of energy. I dunno. I like being buried in my room, i like talking to only a couple of people, i like that nobody is affected by what I do.. to an extent. back home, everything is different.

oh well. I'm going back to enjoy my buried-ness. call me out if you dare.

Oh.. so strange... Braden called me today. He's a friend, an ex-ORU fellow.. used to be in like my class.. but i honestly am not very close to him? But yeah.. kinda was closer to him than any other of the fellows.. but right now, he's back in Kansas studying Art, and I dont ever talk to him muchk except when he calls, for fun! He called me to tell me when he'd be visiting ORU... and whether I'd be free to hang out. He's just weird.

Haha.. i so rarely get calls from guys that it always freaks me out. Still does. Even when Dr. Halsmer returned my call about work, I was like "Who is this??". ha. I rarely get calls... that's fine. I've grown out of talking on the phone every night. I remember like 8 years ago.. haha... talking on the phone through the night was the "must-do"... now, i get sleepy, and i put down the phone.

Heh. I'm glad Braden did not call me back like he said he would, even after I told him "er... you don't have to call me back". haha...

break
rest
sleep
hibernation
solitude
isolate
bury
break

finally

i was thinking about...
i was going to...
i was just about to...
i was meaning to...
i wanted to...

is not the same as
"i did"

sigh.

backing off

"Have it your way!" thrown in the face of someone you love could mean frustration, anger and hopelessness. "Have it your way" said with willing hands and a willing heart, means something very different.

I think this morning, i started two fights. I started one between myself and Reason, and I started one between myself and someone I love.

My fight with reason, did not last long.
"Reason? why is it that you are not on my side"
"Why should i be!"
"Why not!!! I make... i have a right to all these things... a right... right?"
"Well... no."
"Well, I don't need you to be on my side. I can do whatever I want... after all, I am a child of God... a princess! Am I not deserving of better?"
"haha... well you a princess? Now that's unreasonable... but you are right. You are a child a God. He doesn't need me on His side... He has his own principles. But you, young lady... you aren't abiding by His either!"
"oh... well I am going to now. *sticks my tongue out at him* I guess I'll do what is right, instead of what I think I will give me what I deserve. but no thanks to you!"
*I toss my head and walk off, leaving reason with his mouth hanging wide open* I think God and him had a deal today...

The second fight... that lasted a bit longer. Because doing what was right in God's sight meant I had to be humble, it meant I would not get what I wanted, it meant I had to let it go. "Have it your way..." I mumbled to God... and reluctantly, I withdrew from my fight. I stepped back, and then forward, this time, armed with gentle encouragement and love instead of hurtful and accusatory words. I guess that fight ended.

This is not to say I am entirely happy with what I did. What I started out with this morning, cannot be erased... it's still there, and even if I do my QT at 4:30am, before I meet anyone else... it's still there. In my heart, I always want my way. And God's way.. at least today, was not my way till me and Reason, we had that little chat...

I figure me not making things hard was good. At least I knew was not cutting down and destroying. Did what I needed, which I thought I deserved, ever get to me? Er... yes, but not in that way. To say the truth, I still want something... but I guess I'll keep giving God His way, and maybe... He'll give me the desires of my heart?

eh! look here hor!

haha.. for my fellow singaporeans

SINGLISH

enjoy.

finally....

pictures of DC!

You Cover Me

Your grace is like blanket
keep me warm

You watch my back
push me out of danger

You lid me tight
I don't grow stale and jaded

You place a veil
I remain pure, a mystery

You write a prose
I am my story

You shelter me
I am safe and secure

I was going to write a blog to rant about my 4am day, rather, I am struck by God's covering on my life.

BACK!

i'm home. now tired and stressed and lots of work to do.

BUT. i had a great time. loved the capital. =)

off to Washington DC!

yup, i'm taking a week off classes (administratively excused!) to go to the capital of USA to attend the David Barton Leadership Conference. It's actually a conference for government and history majors, but I can take this trip for HUM 350 and then substitute it for HUM 111 or 112. Works out good for me, even though i am slightly concerned about missing all my classes, especially since i will have 2 tests that I have to take the following monday, and then 2 major major papers in the next week, not to mention a plethora of other activities.

it'd be fun though. i'll take lotsa pics and post them when i'm back. =)

Father Healer

i have alot on my heart tonight... so bear with me as I tell my tale. Believe me, share with me... be encouraged.. that God is GOD!!! and I are mere man.

On Monday night, at leader's prayer meeting (for the wing), Amanda (Chaplain) shared that she was going to share with the girls about first being a child of God, before anything else. God laid upon my heart to share the song "Precious Child" by Vineyard, a song that I have kept in my heart since Australia. I however, anticipated being stressed and having a math test and homework due, as well as papers... and I refused to act. I never told Amanda or anything. About 20 minutes before devos, the burden grew stronger. I hadn't been able to do much math and I was stressed out. But somethind in me cried out to be obedient. So I went and told Amanda. God was there, because Mandy who was originally playing pulled out at the last minute due to studies, and Amanda was about to ask me. So first *whoa*.

But I was not there just for the song. Throughout the devos, Johanna had complained of this pain in her neck that was getting to her back. She was struggling to sit properly the entire devos, and I sensed her discomfort. I was so anxious to pray for her. Well, Amanda, Charlene, Tamika and I laid hands on her and just prayed. I remember what I prayed... and I remember what Amanda was saying.... and I remember kneeling behind Johanna, my hand on her back calling "Jesus". After she got up, she started to yell becuase the intense pain had gone. It's not completely healed, we are still praying. That sounded to me like one of those healing rally stories my school excels in, on TV, in magazines, books... not in Amanda's room. But I knew?... while i was praying, i felt her healed. It was just that. a deep sense within.

What am I saying? God is loving and He is powerful. Not only to love us as children, but to love us enough to push us when we don't do whats right, heal us when we hurt, teach us to trust Him and let us know that He is around.

I'm full of fear for God. I dont think I understood that till now. Inside me, there's a deep trembling. Thank you God for giving me as many pushed as I needed to make me be there, thank you God that we could pray for Johanna, thank You God that You moved mightily. I'm alive, and God's alive. and He lives in me today!

God is so awesome. I know. Whoa!!!

now i shall rest in his presence as I sleep for a couple of hours before hitting the pythagorean triples and all. God... who heals, who calls... =) thankfully can impart wisdom and intelligence too!

新年快乐

whoa. spend the wee hours of the morning calling up my relatives in KL and singapore., in between, i woke up my poor darling jie to go and call the fam too!

sigh. i'm not say upset about calling them. i have a test today... so i am up studying... and i'm eating and drinking coffee to stay awake... but the compounded lack of sleep is getting to me.

anyway... off topic already. just wanted to say that i wish i could be in SOME home for CNY, Singapore or KL... just with some people that love me, that i love... and enjoy family for once. Those who are with family, relish it. You never know when you may come to appreciate those cheek-pinching aunties, or uncles who ask the oh-so-important question (are you attached? where's you girlfriend?) (haha.. that was especially for Kel...) and the noisy cousins.. some which you get along with, and others that you don't/

be grateful.. haha. really!!!

he's coming back... ready?

for the last two weeks, i've been attending service at VCC, next to my school. Pastor Billy Joe has been talking about the end times... I wonder how many of us out there have been thinking about the very same thing.

Jesus is coming soon. It will always be like that, till the day He comes. Time to him, is not fixed like ours. Instead of trying to predict when He's coming, we should be ready to go now. I should... but am I?

I know i'm where i'm supposed to be. God will find me here, he will recognise me. am I worthy to be raptured? that's tough. I hope so. I hope i've obeyed him enough, kept pursuing Him and righteousness... and deserve that, and the crown and the throne room! but will i have regrets? YES. plenty. things that i wish i had said or done, and people i wish i could have said or done more for.

God, forgive me. For not being selfless enough.

I guess i wont know when He's coming, i know i don't. All i can do now is work out my salvation with fear and trembling. Be prepared to be judged. Know that i did everything out of a love for Him, and a desire to obey Him. Be ready to face Him, to thank him for all the sins that He will not hold against me, and be ready to receive a judgement call. I want to be a sheep, not a goat.

there's mroe to be done. way more. but i can start here. by sharing and praying... and being where God wants me to be till He moves me to someplace else.

I still have hopes and dreams. plenty. But that's ok. God didn't ask us to not to hope for the future, just not to put off what is better done today, for tomorrow.

flipping over

i'm handing in the reins
bouncing the ball in your court
letting you take the lead
washing my hands clean
passing the buck over
giving you the keys

release

i've been swamped by Godly principles. good thing too. only that i have too many thoughts to concisely put it for everyone. I just want to say... (this just happens to be the last thought of my day)

i always want to be wanted, to be chased, to be needed, to be pursued. you didn't do that for me. but he's been after me for so long.

i always hope you appreciate me, enjoy me, be pleased with me. you don't give me the kind of approval i'm always looking for. but i am his delight!

i always want to be respected, treated well, loved and cared for. you always say you tried. but he's given it to me time and time again.

and thats the difference between me, you and him. Good thing is that i'm just as flawed as you are.... and he's just the exact opposite.

a human fails a human's expectations, a human does not attain a human's hopes. Only he can.

i wonder why when i can sit back and think about how demanding i am, how he can still love me. see the goodness in me. where is my goodness? my goodness resides in him... and he resides in me. isn't that awesome? that when he sees me, he sees me... but he sees himself too.

*ok... see what i mean by i'm thinking too much... good for me though. to meditate on his law and word day and night*

uplift me Father, i surrender
i cant hold on, i cant keep repeating my troubles
deliver me somehow
give me music, give me my new song
i want to sing again
God, You have never failed me
in You alone, i will find strength
life, full of hope, joy, peace and
love.
Father God, save me.

I'm saying a prayer. i had a long qt this morning, which is good... making up for my 10 mins ones wehre i'm super sleepy and all. I guess the key is not to do my qt when i'm sleepy. sometimes i feel like i have no choice... but i do. I can choose to wake up.

my important choice for today is:
I choose to trust Him. I need Him to rescue me from who i am. cos sometimes, i feel like i'm digging my own grave. like when i've slept 4 hours, have a quiz, 2 meetings tonight, and want to jog, study, play and breathe. and stop eating. But i trust, that somehow, God will get through my thick-headed skull... and work things out for me.