hmmm

Hmm...
alright... so i've been rather busy with self reflection for the last few weeks... trying to get a hold of who I am and God.

and i think I have come to this conclusion.

I am blessed.

I feel at times cheated of the things I thought I should have. I feel at times lost without the people I thought I had. I feel at times unhappy with the things I do have. I feel at times mad at the thought of the things I have lost. I feel at times dissapointed with the person I thought I was. I feel at times crazy with the things that I have not taken good care of. I feel at times distant from the God that I thought had me.

But I am blessed. I might think one way, and might act one way, and might feel all this ways... but I am blessed. It's been a long road to this point, but i'm here... I can stand and say, i'm content. It is good. I can rejoice....

Cabin fever.

Snow
Freezing rain
Icy roads

Bleah.


I know... i know snow sounds exciting... and I guess if you were in a holiday chalet someway in the Alps or somewhere where the snow means luxury, then it's pretty exciting...

But where snow means dangerous driving, (accidents happen about like once every ten minutes!! it's a nightmare) and it means that it's too cold to go running, or wash your car, or even your clothes (I'm a wuss, but the washer and dryer are in the garage which pretty open)... then snow gives me cabin fever. I didn't even get to church. that makes me really sad!

SNOW!

What a conclusion to a somewhat tumultous week.

I switched babysitting days for tue/wed this week cos Jenn needed me too.
Went to screen on mon/thu
Went to school on fri
Spent 4 1/2 hours making envelopes for the survey
V-day came and went
Bible study was amazing, and I bought a new and amazing devotional book
I mailed my taxes
I did not do my homework
I went to aerobics twice this week
I went to Applebees and the mall with Anne, Eileen and Lynnette
I drove in freezing rain
I drove on snowed roads
Cooked twice this week. Big batch of chicken stew, and then chicken soup
Brought Lynnette to pick up her parcel
Went to grocery store...
Watched olympics

Well, lots of things...
but what i did doesn't how I feel... and i am suffering from a sever case of SAD.
Seasonal Affective Disorder
I.e. Winter depression.

The snow might be pretty, but the chilly weather and the inability to get outside and exercise really really puts me in a down mood.

well =) things are looking up... there's church tomorrow! and i LUUUURVE church!

hmm... and God loves me, so i should be happy right? =)

fun at the zoo

I miss the Singapore Zoo.

Other than that, the Tulsa Zoo trip was a stellar expedition for the Honors Fellows to take. It was a bright, sunny, blue-skyed day, which coupled with blustery winds and winter weather, made for a real treat. The indoor exibits were tolerable, but nothing extraordinary, nothing to make to day special except for one thing... one guy that stole my heart.

Heh. Chill. I'm not talking about like a classmate or anything... but little Owen, with a winsome smile, a blonde tousled head of questions and hands that were magnetic to all things dirt. I wish I had taken pictures... OOOHHH.. so cute.

So much for spending time catching up with old friends... I didn't get to talk much to the girls (Katie, Jen, Sarah, Abby or Kristen... not even Jamie and Lisa). I spent most of my time chasing this little boy around and being delighted and disgusted (puddle-stamping, dirt-finding)! Heh... little kids are so awesome... you know?

You and I go to the zoo to see animals... and we make all sorts of comments about them. He? He found the lamposts, recycling bins and etched pavements just as every bit interesting as the monkeys, birds fishes and what-nots. He also discovered what echo is.

So anyway... because of little Owen, I spent most of my time with Dr Korstad and Adam- them being the only 3 males in our girly bunch.

Argh. Help me! I need to get over this cute kid... but really.. doesn' your heart just melt when this little 3-4? year old kid runs down the pavement yelling, "O-R-U, O-R-U" heh. =) He's special.

I can only Imagine

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
- Mercy Me

i love

i love God, and i love this church!

TLC is absolutely incredible. God is too... and more and more I'm excited about Bible Study, about spending time with other Christians and about just living for Him. I may only have 3 months left in Tulsa, but i'm going to "do the church thing" cos I love God and for some amazing reason, I have a joy and a peace in my heart about this that will not die out!

a little getaway

Eileen and i had a little getaway this morning/afternoon. It's strange how i see her SO much less... now that i only go to school once a week... She has her own life, and I have mine, and once in a while, on a weekend, we get a chance to sit and talk. Today's location? First Watch.

On the menu? Coffee, omelette (gravy train)- Eileen's, cranberry nut pancake-mine (though we always share!) and loads of conversation.

I miss that.

and then my thoughts had their little getaway.

It's not like I don't miss being able to hang out with you... or being able to talk to you like i know you, or being able to understand you. But it's true... just like in the past, barriers that are up find it hard to come down... and with the little time I have, it's not been possible. I wish things were different. I wish like Eileen, there would be at least one day a week for some time out. But its more like one day a year, if that.

I rationalize it like that.

But inside it hurts. It hurts that you feel rejected by me. It hurts me to see you so wary and clammish that I dont have a chance to get in. It hurts that you don't understand me either, just the same that I don't understand you anymore.

At the end, i smile. I think that I have to stop feeling guilty for having changed, for being away, for not being free whenever you are not busy... for having family around. I think that you have to stop feeling guilty for not understanding what's goin on, for not being free, for not being comfortable, for holding on to the ghosts of the past.

I loved the past. I thought it rocked. But i'm trying to love the now. I don't think it's that hot. But what? Roll with the punches (with the nodding head and the head movements)

Sigh.

Ahh.. what a mental getaway. I know i'm far from perfect, and i never claim to be. I wont claim to be who i'm not. But I did, do and will love you as best as i can.

we have tickets

Tickets are special.

They say that the holder has a reserved place, usually a specific seat, to attend an event or to ride somewhere. It means that you have a right to be somewhere at a certain time and there's proof. A real paid-for ticket almost for certain guarantees that you will use it.

hee... =) and i'm filled with glee cos we have tickets! I've already got my ticket to go home to Singapore... heh. =) the excitment is heightened by the fact... that my wonderful boyfriend has a ticket too... It's not all settled and smooth yet, but he does have a ticket! =)

All this talk about tickets reminded me of heaven and my ticket. Can't believe that I would make such a BIG deal about getting a ride home to Singapore... and not be that excited about my final ride home to Heaven. The best part of this exclusive ticket I have, is that i got it free... but nobody can take it away from me, and everyone else can get one too. I wonder why we dont all want this ticket... i mean. It's real, it's free and it comes with well... more than just a trip into Heaven... it comes with love, joy peace... and life! REAL LIFE. I say... grab a ticket! =)

Sunday service (s)

today was a great day at church. I miss church.

I know.... confusing right? Well, I went to Life Connection. For everybody's understanding, it shall now be referred to as TLC. And it was SO good... Kathy went with me, and the worship and the message were great. But more... so much much more than that... the presence of the Holy Spirit was there, and it lingered, and fell down, and blanketed the congregation, leaving a sweet, restful, but yearning sensation on our hearts.

But i missed church back home. Bukit Arang (BA for short). I looked down at the bulletin i had stuck in my bible, the one that my wonderfully talented boyfriend had designed... and I felt a pang of sadness wash over me.

anyway. church attendance matters aside... i learnt 2 very important things.
1) How to disciple. That was kinda what the sermon was about, and it was very good... and very simple. Many of us think discipleship is a class, some even think its about going through a beginners class. It's true... discipleship is an introduction... but it's not an introductory course in the sense of a classroom setting with books and teachers... it's an introductory course in life. Being a disciple is about learning to live... and we make disciples, not by going through a routine book, but by
1) sharing our life with them
2) giving them tools, or gear to live
3) helping or teaching them to use those tools.
I won't say it's not difficult. Investing and engaging others with life is probably more difficult than reading from a book and getting them to repeat the four spiritual laws, in correct order! But it's what Jesus did... and it's how we should make disciples too.

2) There's a BIG difference between guilt and conviction.
I have not figured out the intricacies of this statement... but I know that i succumb to feelings of guilt easily. But guilt... that feeling is really not from God. Guilt is a feeling that Satan gives us... when we or others judge ourselves. It helps us feel inadequate, feel worthless and unredeemable... but it most make me feel like I did something wrong, that God wont forgive me, and I must fix it all by myself. ALL WRONG. On the other hand, conviction is a word from God. It's a judgement from Him alone that avoids the condemnation and the "you are pure evil" feeling, and instead says "this action... not your being, but this action is wrong, and you and I (God) can fix it. You give it up, and I take it away."

Both are things not easy to deal with, and one is easily mistaken for the other. But with guilt only comes a series of more guilt because humanly... we can never repair our mistakes. But with conviction (which requires an open heart), come repentance, forgiven, redemption and peace.


I wonder what you learnt at church today...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha... exclamations of happy-ness... wonderful-ness and general excited-ness

I'm going home in 2 days.... 2!!!

ok. on another note... i still have 2 exams! bleah!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=)

PHOTOS

and I'm off to church!

WOW. =) I'm 21.

WOW

Today has really been great. Thank you all for everything you did. I loved receiving the little messages on the tag board, through msn, on other people's blogs, through friendster, facebook... I felt overwhelmed. I didn;t even know i knew that many people! Let alone that that many people cared!

So thank you.

And Thank You God.

I had some time today, to go for a walk and run, and spend some time with my favoritest person in the world wide world. Jesus. It was good, though humbling, and I came back with some weight off my body (hopefully), but a little more weight on my heart.

It's ok. =) I'm glad i'm just 21. I've gotten through enough to have an unshakeable belief that God is real and He loves me... but I've got the many years on earth before me to fix up all the things I've done wrong, and to make them right. I will keep striving to be perfect... Because we are commanded to... but perfect in His eyes, not to myself. And one day, at the end of my road, I'll see the whole of eternity stretched before me, and I'll see... hopefully understand... what my life is in the grand scheme of things.

But for now, I'm content to handle the task that it before me. To finish school strong (means studying!), to take care of my body, soul and spirit, and to keep a look out for others... body, soul and spirit to.

I can't thank everyone enough for the love... and here's my prayer for all who have blessed me today

The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26

hi all

kathy reminded me my birthday is this weekend. Tomorrow is friday. and my head is thinking 3 things...
1) CAR!!!! be fixed!
2) EXAMS!!! be done please.... especially this french one...
3) HOME.. a week can't come sooner... and still... it probably can!

21? schwammy-wan!

haha... wonderful how brithdays are nothing... cos one day in my life??? count that against the hundreds, millions, kazillions of days of eternity... i'm not even halfway close to there. So i'll let that day pass in blissful oblivion (if kathy and eileen would let me!) and spend it praying that my car will be fixed and I will be able to go out and get stuff for my family that i can bring home! =) oh.. and did i mention the studying? yes.. the studying!

Seeya all in a week...

Eileen's on blogspot

Heh... so Eileen's finally got a blog... dunno if she'll actually be updating it for now...

heh... it's here!

By the way, she is pretty... and bubbly and bouncy. Haha... She's so funny!!! Well, it's imagining her saying it that is hilarious... =) but anyway... I'm so glad for someone like Eileen here in Tulsa!

And you know something else, I was looking through my old entries... realised I wrote alot more last year, about alot more things... especially counting down. Well, as of tomorrow, it will be a week before I go home. This time round, I'm dealing with alot more things, so... strangely enough, i only have a phrase... instead of a paragraph of ramblings... and it is:

I believe.

When is it that my life will calm down and everything will be like what it's supposed to be? I don't know... but right now, my answer is "never, and it doesn't matter a bit."

I didn't say i'm unaffected, or that I don't feel bad, but I understand that in the grand scheme of things, it really doesn't matter. 2-3 years from now, this will be a good memory.

So this will be a long post. Sit down, be ready to hear me out...
FACTS
The electricity in my house went out on Tuesday night. By Thursday, they found that it was because a wire was burnt. By Thursday night, the electricity went out AGAIN. Today is Sunday, it's supposed to be fixed.

I've been staying at Jenn and Chris house since Wed night. They are AMAZING people... where would I be without them.

My car brake lights has shorted (uncanny resemblance to house issues), so i can't drive it around. Kathy has been in a car accident. And she's ok, but her car needs body work done.

I've studied and studied and studied... have written plenty papers and finals in the last 5 days. And there's more to go.

I'm turning 21 soon. And more importantly, i'm going home soon.

FEELINGS
Sigh. On mentionning 21, I feel guilty cos I wasn't able to call Hazel or anything like that. The situation i'm in gets hectic, then calms... but simply put, i couldn't... and I feel bad! Cos she turned 21 on Fri... Happy belated birthday Hazel!

I'm less stressed on seeing that I will get my work done, and I will do fine, and I will still no matter what be fine.

Thank God for strength and courage to confess His providence and love for me inspite and despite of everything I've been through. Church was tough for me today... because half of me thought of how I should feel abandoned and despaired... but most of me recognised that I'm happy and blessed and have a sense of peace about what is going on. I hated to miss my own church though (went to Eileen's)...

I dont claim to believe only when i'm high... but i cling fast to my faith when i'm low.

see you all in a week... maybe i'll post on my birthday with pics of the party kathy is throwing for me... or maybe i'll see you all physically in less than a fortnight!

its strange.

sometimes you want all the attention, and you feel like that one person you want attention from is too busy and all...

and then, it flips around, and you feel like you don't want all the attention, but that one person insists on giving it to you.

strange how you want there to be less time, but when you realise that there is so little time...

panic.

that strange emotion, triggerring the body's first defense and starting th stress signals in your body. Are you up to the challenge or not.

I have... a deadline for this friday that i did not expect... its for a final thats about 12 pages long. and that's not the end of the story. There's more, but i shall spare us all the gory details. All i know is...

by God's grace.

pray for me, and wait for me to be home. =) in 19 days!

*hug*

Almost there

It has come to my attention that I am 3 weeks and 3 days away for leaving for home. That's 24 days. I haven't been doing the countdown as much, mostly because I am preoccupied with other things. I have LONG lists of things to do before I leave, and when I get home. So what's new? =)

Well, I feel this year is slightly different because...
- I'll be 21! (what that truly signifies, I have yet to find out)
- My family will be home in the same house for the most part (that's really going to be interesting!)
- I'll be preparing my room for more permanent stay the following year
- It'd be a year since we got together officially...
- Becky can drive. haha... i don't know how much this has to do with me, but it's a pretty big change!

=) So all that's new. And all this is the same old same old.
I have to complete
- TONS of assignments
- sit for my finals
- buy stuff for people
- pack up everything

heh. I'm looking forward to escaping the cold, and eating good food... but more than that, being with my family, my sis, my boyfriend, my busy best friend and church... all that good stuff!

=) seeya in a bit!

riverside

After living 3 months next to Riverside Park, I finally made the venture across the busy road to check it out yesterday with Kathy. The park is basically a stretch of pavement about 10 metres above the river (now mostly dried up) bank and about 4-7 metres away from the main road (Riverside Drive). But the entire stretch covers maybe about 10 miles...

So I ran today, alone, from 51st to 61st and back (making it 2 miles) and walked from 51st to 54th and back, (making it 1 mile) for a total of... 3 miles!

Kathy has a plan for us to walk all next week, 5:30am tomorrow! =) heh.. now that's going to be exciting!

today

today

is one of those days where there's too much to say and no place to let it out.

is one of those days where the tears slip out without ceasing

is one of those days i go home, just so that I can cry... and then leave for my next class

is one of those days where i would like to get candles, bury myself under the cover and wish it would all go away

is one of those days where i desperately need the one thing that I cannot have

is one of those days where if God were not God, i would be even awake

is one of those day that i have to grit, grin and bear, hold back the threatening tears

is one of those days i wish i were home.