the journey of walking

I've been away for 18 days but it feels much longer. I'm not even sure what is happening in Singapore because I can only read blogs that are not on wordpress... and I can't even access the links of my friends because I don't remember them! (they're all stored on my blog which I can't get into)

I'm walking further and further away from my comfort zone, and into the "realm of the unknown", hoping and trusting that He is there, holding my hand. Leaving work was easy... possibly cos Jo and Eileen were not around and I was happy to leave the frustrating environment. Leaving my family at home was not so bad... maybe because it was very late, maybe because I've kinda left them for a long while, maybe because they've got their own things to do. Saying goodbye to church friends in malacca and at the airport was also not that bad... possibly because I got to take alot of my friends with me!

Trying to say goodbye to hozea was difficult. I cried... and almost cried again when I left him at the airport... It's not easy choosing to be in different country... and if I could be with him and do His will at the same time then I would. But we figured that part of my walk is walking apart from hozea at time. How can I bear it? grace and love... just like many other things in my life. I am very grateful for someone who releases me to walk in obedience and supports me and loves me, even though i've "abandoned" him in Singapore. It's just 3 months, we'll have the rest of our lives to make it up. =)

Saying bye to the China team before we headed to Shen Zhen and Hong Kong was kinda rushed and surreal. I actually can't believe that I won't talk to hazel for like 2 months! Eeps. but now that I think about it, I won't talk to any of the church people for about that period of time! Whoa... but without Kel in Hong Kong and Shen Zhen we were like fish out of water. It was honestly the hardest thing to leave Joel, Ben, Gabs and Cheryl in Hong Kong though... I hugged Cheryl, the boys prayed for me, and I walked off... sobbing and trying to hold it in. I think up to that point, i've been graciously buffered by having people around me.

Now, alone at home finally in a long while, I must confess I feel it. I miss hozea and wonder where on earth he is right now, cos my msges are not being replied. I miss all my BA people... and i think often about what is going on there- especially with Serene, my nurture class, the girls, cherie, the leaders... I miss Eileen and Jo very much... and I miss my jie and bro.

Yet I persist. I'm not whining or complaining because this is my journey to learn what walking in Him is like... Paul's experiences show me that there is so much to discover about Him when I go. So I went and I'm going and I will be gone! But I carry all of you in my heart.

In China where I cannot get through to wordpress

Ah... well...

In China where communication is sparse because
1) I'm on the road too often
(been to Malaysia, Lian Nan town and villages, Guangzhou, Shen Zhen, Hong Kong, Changsha in the span of 3.5 weeks?)
2) I lost my Singapore SIM card. Ask Hozea for my China number or email me
3) Everything is censored. I CANNOT access any wordpress blogs =(
4) Phone bills are expensive

Many things have happened recently, and I'll likely try and use this blog to update instead, and once I return to Singapore, move the posts back to wordpress, my happy home. =)

The schedule of things to come..
Changsha till 5th July
5th Jul - Heng Yang (orphanage site)
6th-10th - Yang Suo (family holiday in small Gui Ling)
10th July - 19th August - Lian Nan (6-weeks Summer course)

* Somewhere between 20-28th July I must head out to Hong Kong once all alone to exit and re-enter for visa purposes.

MOVED!

I've MOVED! =) after weighing the differences, I've decided to export my blog to wordpress..

http://iamenai.wordpress.com

finally restarted blogging.... after a full year.... so

There's no tagboard there, so do leave comments and let me know that you got this msg! =)

winding down, winding up

I'm in the middle of a moment.

In a microperspective for winding down,
- my semester is coming to an end
- my car has been sold
- my room and possessions are slowly being sorted and packed

In a more macro look,
- my time in the USA is ending
- my undergraduate studies are coming to an end
- there are some people that I will never ever see again... that thought scares me...

But things are getting frantic as
- I finish off my senior paper, and random other assignments and test for school
- I rent a car, plan the holiday and try to settle money issues
- I'm graduating! I have cards to write, presents to give and goodbyes to be said

and just STUFF..

but you know, when all is said and done, I thank God He brought me here, and I thank God that he's bring me home. =) I like home.

yeah, its been awhile....

sorry... it's the last month to graduation, and i'm flooded with work, responsibilities, various honor ceremonies and the like, meetings and just trying to get my head screwed on right.

on the flip side, God has been very good, and I see the light =) distant, but i see it.

BOSTON

And I'm in Boston.

And it's COLD... and it snowed! (but it didn't stick)

And I'm with my sister, and happy... a little bored... but it's good.

Today... I walked around a lil bit.. around Harvard Square.

Top three memorable things today
1) Pretty paper at this paper and stationary speciality shop. Nice striped vellum. 50c a piece... I just might... =)
2) This cool wall decoration at Urban Outfitters. I think I will try to do something like it for my own home
3) Amazing chocolate desserts bought at 8:30pm for "dinner" and brought home in a freezing 20 min walk.

But really. most of the time i was at my jie's place. Pretty cool.

Let each man pray as best as he can

Nothing could be more intensely individual than the prayers of the Bible. Nobody tries to commune with God in any one else's way. Some pray kneeling, like Paul (Acts 20:36); some standing, like Jeremiah (Jer. 18:20); some sitting, like David (2 Sam. 7:18); some prostrate, like Jesus (Matt. 26:39). Some pray silently, like Hannah (1 Sam 1:13); some aloud, like Ezekiel (Ezek. 11:13). Some pray in the temple (2 Kings 19:14); some in bed (Ps. 63:6); in the fields (Gen. 24:22,12); on the hillside (Gen. 28:18-20); on the battlefield (1 Sam. 7:5); by a riverside (Acts 16:13); on the seashore (Acts 21:5); in the privacy of the chamber (Matt 6:6). Moreover all sorts of temperaments are found at prayer; practical leaders like Nehemiah, who in silent ejaculation of the spirit seeks God's help before he speaks to the king (Neh 1:3,5); poets like the writer of the 27th Psalm, who love communion with God; men of melancholy mind like Jeremiah, "Hast thou utterly rejected Judah? hath thy soul loathed Zion?" (Jer. 14:19); and men of radiant spirit like Isaiah, "Jehovah, even Jehovah is my strength and song; and he is become my salvation" (Isa. 12:2).

There are as many different ways of praying as there are different individuals. Consider the prayer of St. Augustine: "Let my soul take refuge from the croding turmoil of worldly thoughts beneath the shadow of thy wings; let my heart, this sea of restless waves, find peace in thee, O God." And then in contrast consider the prayer of Lord Ashley, before he charged at the battle of Edge Hill: "O Lord, thou knowest how busy I must be this day. If I forget Thee, do not Thou forget me."

We need to remember, therefore, that there is no one mould of prayer into which our communion with God must be run. Let each man pray as best as he can.
- From The Meaning of Prayer by Harry Emerson Fosdick
Taken from Disciplines for the Inner Life by Bob Benson Sr. and Michael W. Benson

keeping tabs

1 voicemail
1 reply to comment on post
1 msg
25:12mins of talk time

or maybe I can look at it as

1 opportunity to leave a message to say that you missed me
1 reply to help me understand you
1 msg to let me know that i can call you and talk
Close to half on hour of sacrifice of not eating, and trying to sort out a tangled mess.

I'd take the second view... only it feels like i'm forced to take the first.

I'm sorry you are so busy.

hmmm

Hmm...
alright... so i've been rather busy with self reflection for the last few weeks... trying to get a hold of who I am and God.

and i think I have come to this conclusion.

I am blessed.

I feel at times cheated of the things I thought I should have. I feel at times lost without the people I thought I had. I feel at times unhappy with the things I do have. I feel at times mad at the thought of the things I have lost. I feel at times dissapointed with the person I thought I was. I feel at times crazy with the things that I have not taken good care of. I feel at times distant from the God that I thought had me.

But I am blessed. I might think one way, and might act one way, and might feel all this ways... but I am blessed. It's been a long road to this point, but i'm here... I can stand and say, i'm content. It is good. I can rejoice....

Cabin fever.

Snow
Freezing rain
Icy roads

Bleah.


I know... i know snow sounds exciting... and I guess if you were in a holiday chalet someway in the Alps or somewhere where the snow means luxury, then it's pretty exciting...

But where snow means dangerous driving, (accidents happen about like once every ten minutes!! it's a nightmare) and it means that it's too cold to go running, or wash your car, or even your clothes (I'm a wuss, but the washer and dryer are in the garage which pretty open)... then snow gives me cabin fever. I didn't even get to church. that makes me really sad!

SNOW!

What a conclusion to a somewhat tumultous week.

I switched babysitting days for tue/wed this week cos Jenn needed me too.
Went to screen on mon/thu
Went to school on fri
Spent 4 1/2 hours making envelopes for the survey
V-day came and went
Bible study was amazing, and I bought a new and amazing devotional book
I mailed my taxes
I did not do my homework
I went to aerobics twice this week
I went to Applebees and the mall with Anne, Eileen and Lynnette
I drove in freezing rain
I drove on snowed roads
Cooked twice this week. Big batch of chicken stew, and then chicken soup
Brought Lynnette to pick up her parcel
Went to grocery store...
Watched olympics

Well, lots of things...
but what i did doesn't how I feel... and i am suffering from a sever case of SAD.
Seasonal Affective Disorder
I.e. Winter depression.

The snow might be pretty, but the chilly weather and the inability to get outside and exercise really really puts me in a down mood.

well =) things are looking up... there's church tomorrow! and i LUUUURVE church!

hmm... and God loves me, so i should be happy right? =)

fun at the zoo

I miss the Singapore Zoo.

Other than that, the Tulsa Zoo trip was a stellar expedition for the Honors Fellows to take. It was a bright, sunny, blue-skyed day, which coupled with blustery winds and winter weather, made for a real treat. The indoor exibits were tolerable, but nothing extraordinary, nothing to make to day special except for one thing... one guy that stole my heart.

Heh. Chill. I'm not talking about like a classmate or anything... but little Owen, with a winsome smile, a blonde tousled head of questions and hands that were magnetic to all things dirt. I wish I had taken pictures... OOOHHH.. so cute.

So much for spending time catching up with old friends... I didn't get to talk much to the girls (Katie, Jen, Sarah, Abby or Kristen... not even Jamie and Lisa). I spent most of my time chasing this little boy around and being delighted and disgusted (puddle-stamping, dirt-finding)! Heh... little kids are so awesome... you know?

You and I go to the zoo to see animals... and we make all sorts of comments about them. He? He found the lamposts, recycling bins and etched pavements just as every bit interesting as the monkeys, birds fishes and what-nots. He also discovered what echo is.

So anyway... because of little Owen, I spent most of my time with Dr Korstad and Adam- them being the only 3 males in our girly bunch.

Argh. Help me! I need to get over this cute kid... but really.. doesn' your heart just melt when this little 3-4? year old kid runs down the pavement yelling, "O-R-U, O-R-U" heh. =) He's special.

I can only Imagine

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
- Mercy Me

i love

i love God, and i love this church!

TLC is absolutely incredible. God is too... and more and more I'm excited about Bible Study, about spending time with other Christians and about just living for Him. I may only have 3 months left in Tulsa, but i'm going to "do the church thing" cos I love God and for some amazing reason, I have a joy and a peace in my heart about this that will not die out!

a little getaway

Eileen and i had a little getaway this morning/afternoon. It's strange how i see her SO much less... now that i only go to school once a week... She has her own life, and I have mine, and once in a while, on a weekend, we get a chance to sit and talk. Today's location? First Watch.

On the menu? Coffee, omelette (gravy train)- Eileen's, cranberry nut pancake-mine (though we always share!) and loads of conversation.

I miss that.

and then my thoughts had their little getaway.

It's not like I don't miss being able to hang out with you... or being able to talk to you like i know you, or being able to understand you. But it's true... just like in the past, barriers that are up find it hard to come down... and with the little time I have, it's not been possible. I wish things were different. I wish like Eileen, there would be at least one day a week for some time out. But its more like one day a year, if that.

I rationalize it like that.

But inside it hurts. It hurts that you feel rejected by me. It hurts me to see you so wary and clammish that I dont have a chance to get in. It hurts that you don't understand me either, just the same that I don't understand you anymore.

At the end, i smile. I think that I have to stop feeling guilty for having changed, for being away, for not being free whenever you are not busy... for having family around. I think that you have to stop feeling guilty for not understanding what's goin on, for not being free, for not being comfortable, for holding on to the ghosts of the past.

I loved the past. I thought it rocked. But i'm trying to love the now. I don't think it's that hot. But what? Roll with the punches (with the nodding head and the head movements)

Sigh.

Ahh.. what a mental getaway. I know i'm far from perfect, and i never claim to be. I wont claim to be who i'm not. But I did, do and will love you as best as i can.

we have tickets

Tickets are special.

They say that the holder has a reserved place, usually a specific seat, to attend an event or to ride somewhere. It means that you have a right to be somewhere at a certain time and there's proof. A real paid-for ticket almost for certain guarantees that you will use it.

hee... =) and i'm filled with glee cos we have tickets! I've already got my ticket to go home to Singapore... heh. =) the excitment is heightened by the fact... that my wonderful boyfriend has a ticket too... It's not all settled and smooth yet, but he does have a ticket! =)

All this talk about tickets reminded me of heaven and my ticket. Can't believe that I would make such a BIG deal about getting a ride home to Singapore... and not be that excited about my final ride home to Heaven. The best part of this exclusive ticket I have, is that i got it free... but nobody can take it away from me, and everyone else can get one too. I wonder why we dont all want this ticket... i mean. It's real, it's free and it comes with well... more than just a trip into Heaven... it comes with love, joy peace... and life! REAL LIFE. I say... grab a ticket! =)

Sunday service (s)

today was a great day at church. I miss church.

I know.... confusing right? Well, I went to Life Connection. For everybody's understanding, it shall now be referred to as TLC. And it was SO good... Kathy went with me, and the worship and the message were great. But more... so much much more than that... the presence of the Holy Spirit was there, and it lingered, and fell down, and blanketed the congregation, leaving a sweet, restful, but yearning sensation on our hearts.

But i missed church back home. Bukit Arang (BA for short). I looked down at the bulletin i had stuck in my bible, the one that my wonderfully talented boyfriend had designed... and I felt a pang of sadness wash over me.

anyway. church attendance matters aside... i learnt 2 very important things.
1) How to disciple. That was kinda what the sermon was about, and it was very good... and very simple. Many of us think discipleship is a class, some even think its about going through a beginners class. It's true... discipleship is an introduction... but it's not an introductory course in the sense of a classroom setting with books and teachers... it's an introductory course in life. Being a disciple is about learning to live... and we make disciples, not by going through a routine book, but by
1) sharing our life with them
2) giving them tools, or gear to live
3) helping or teaching them to use those tools.
I won't say it's not difficult. Investing and engaging others with life is probably more difficult than reading from a book and getting them to repeat the four spiritual laws, in correct order! But it's what Jesus did... and it's how we should make disciples too.

2) There's a BIG difference between guilt and conviction.
I have not figured out the intricacies of this statement... but I know that i succumb to feelings of guilt easily. But guilt... that feeling is really not from God. Guilt is a feeling that Satan gives us... when we or others judge ourselves. It helps us feel inadequate, feel worthless and unredeemable... but it most make me feel like I did something wrong, that God wont forgive me, and I must fix it all by myself. ALL WRONG. On the other hand, conviction is a word from God. It's a judgement from Him alone that avoids the condemnation and the "you are pure evil" feeling, and instead says "this action... not your being, but this action is wrong, and you and I (God) can fix it. You give it up, and I take it away."

Both are things not easy to deal with, and one is easily mistaken for the other. But with guilt only comes a series of more guilt because humanly... we can never repair our mistakes. But with conviction (which requires an open heart), come repentance, forgiven, redemption and peace.


I wonder what you learnt at church today...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

haha... exclamations of happy-ness... wonderful-ness and general excited-ness

I'm going home in 2 days.... 2!!!

ok. on another note... i still have 2 exams! bleah!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

=)

PHOTOS

and I'm off to church!

WOW. =) I'm 21.

WOW

Today has really been great. Thank you all for everything you did. I loved receiving the little messages on the tag board, through msn, on other people's blogs, through friendster, facebook... I felt overwhelmed. I didn;t even know i knew that many people! Let alone that that many people cared!

So thank you.

And Thank You God.

I had some time today, to go for a walk and run, and spend some time with my favoritest person in the world wide world. Jesus. It was good, though humbling, and I came back with some weight off my body (hopefully), but a little more weight on my heart.

It's ok. =) I'm glad i'm just 21. I've gotten through enough to have an unshakeable belief that God is real and He loves me... but I've got the many years on earth before me to fix up all the things I've done wrong, and to make them right. I will keep striving to be perfect... Because we are commanded to... but perfect in His eyes, not to myself. And one day, at the end of my road, I'll see the whole of eternity stretched before me, and I'll see... hopefully understand... what my life is in the grand scheme of things.

But for now, I'm content to handle the task that it before me. To finish school strong (means studying!), to take care of my body, soul and spirit, and to keep a look out for others... body, soul and spirit to.

I can't thank everyone enough for the love... and here's my prayer for all who have blessed me today

The LORD bless you and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Numbers 6:24-26