Missing....

I am missing you. (ok, I don't know who is reading this, but if you know me, then i am definately missing you!)

Today is Sunday, and unlike sundays at home, this day is simply less hectic in the morning as ser/vice is in the afternoon... after lunch. And it's only an hour long. I haven't been to ch/urch for a long time... since the first week I was in LN. I almost cried at hearing others pr/ay so sincerely. Huili led wor/ship for the first time... she's so devoted and faithful. I was struck by her pr/ayers.

But. I miss... I miss...

• the koin/nonia and the family in it's entire-ity (is there such a word?).
• the cute kids running around that can say hello, and those that can't...
• the aunties and uncles who wish you well and always ask how my parents are
• the wor/ship with words I can understand and tunes I know
• the commun/ion and the remembering
• the offering, the ser/mon the announcements
• the friends, sisters and brothers who say good morning
• my class and the wonderful questions they have
• the lunch afterward catching up
• the knowledge that we'll see each other next week
• the familiarity of being known
• the leaders and the spur-of-the-moment publicities
• the china team-ers and the meetings on 4th floor

argh. But am grateful for a chance to open my eyes and see sunday in LN... i'm grateful for this fell/ow/ship because it's SO MUCH better than having nothing... and it is very meaningful. I am grateful I can understand a very large part of it... more than UYF. Heh. So.. yes. I am grateful still. I am content still.

Whats been goin on

wow... I feel like I've spent a week here already just by the amount of work that I've been doing. Ok... in all honesty, I do like being busy... and I guess I am good at doing certain things. So, I am grateful that I can offer something to this place... but I'm beep* tired and everytime I walk out to take a drink, I see Uncle Yew Fook cutting paper! argh. how unfair is that?

Haha... ok. For the past two days we've been planning the syllabus. I've been typing up making worksheets for elementary 1-3, 4-6 and secondary students. Scanning, finding pictures, passages, formatting, using photoshop, typing endlessly, correcting broken english, figuring out if this is suitable and mediating between Siow Jen (SJ) and Uncle Yew Fook (UYF). Now SJ is very nice and she is very busy... but she has like 10 staff to care for and she's mostly cooking or talking to parents. UYF on the under hand has many great ideas but no way to put things down into hard fact. SAVE me! =\

Oh well. By grace. I'm learning to say this too often =P

P/S: I wanna come online and put up my pictures and all.. but I'm sorry.. I'm WAY too busy. couple more days maybe.

in Liannan FINALLY!!!

Am finally in Liannan. How I got here is truly by grace alone. Though it was in all human terms a very uncomfortable journey, I acutally am not too traumatised by it. In fact, if I had to, I would do it again, of course not by my own might or power, but really by grace alone.

I left for Babu (eight steps) on a 8:30am bus that was supposed to take 3.5 hrs. We took 6 hours. Since I was informed that there was only 4 buses from Babu to Lianzhou a day, I was concerned I would not make the transit in time. I reached Babu at 2:30pm instead of 12pm. The bus driver was not very helpful and couldn't tell me how to get a ticket for a Lianzhou bus. The police guard told me that I could only get a bus from Dongzhan (east station). I was told to take a "San Lun Che" (3-wheel car) there.

Heh.. again by grace I found an aunty riding a tricycle who brought me there for 5 yuan. At Dongzhan, the ticketing officer was very nice and gave me a good seat on the last bus at 3:30pm! The bus was a non-airconditioned, small bus with no luggage compartment and no rules. But thank G-d, it was a beautiful day, not too hot with plenty of nice scenery. I was so grateful to be next to the window where I could stick my head out when the smoking got too bad and breathe some fresh air.

I actually heard the bus uncle say that he couldn't stop in Liannan in cantonese (Lin Nam), but he was kind enough to drop me at the Guang Chang in Liannan 3.5 hrs later at 7:30pm. There, to my delight, I was greeted by Ah Lian and Huili.

Everyone (Mum, Ah Lian, Huili, Uncle Yew Fook, Siow Jen) all say I was very brave. But I am not. And I shall boast in my weakness… I HATE travelling.. and I am/was scared of travelling all alone in unfamiliar ground. But… there is the One above who takes such good care of me… and in His faithfulness I will glory.

In Yangsuo

We've finally reached Yangsuo. It's been a pretty long and eventless day. Travelling bus rides of 5.5 hrs then anothe 2 hrs before reaching here from Heng Yang (which was already 3.4 hrs from Changsha). I choose not to dwell on the bad parts.. the extra ppl sitting on stools in the middle aisles, the loud beeps every 5 seconds... =) and well.. simply accept. Content to be on my way to a holiday.

Things are alright. I think i really can't get used to spending so much time with just my parents. It scares me... in a way, i'm looking forward to being off... but not looking forward to being alone. sigh!!!

well.. the good part is there's a place for me to check my email and update me blog here! =) free! of course i have to queue up... but well. =) least I can check for stuff

how this journey began

I feel a little regretful that I did not really get a chance to share with people how, why and what this trip to China is all about. The only person that knows everything I know is probably my dearest boyfriend. The One above knows a lot more than I do about what is going on. I didn't want to say much because it was scary and painful to talk about something that I was not sure was going to happen... and could not explain very well.

Several months ago, when the team was sharing on m-sunday about their dec trip, and there was mention of a teaching trip this year, I was very interested... mainly because it seemed like a good idea to do something more than 2 weeks. But as things rolled around and it was not at a good timing, and I wanted to actually leave work after July, I was not too sure that I wanted to do it, especially when there was nobody in charge, and it looked at though there would not even be a the opportunity to go.

But somehow, I persevered in trying to make this happen. I did things I was totally unsure about... leaving work, talking to random uncles, emailing and calling and mostly just doing alot of "warfare". Troubles came aplenty in the form of requests to stay longer at work, visa issues that wouldn't work out, people dropping out of the trip (leaving just me and one uncle)... and the whole issue of travelling alone. But throughout these problems that really left me wondering what the One above was thinking.... I had encouragement in the form of support from people around (without me asking), andjust confirmation after confirmation that I was meant to do this.

Leaving the people behind in Singapore to be obedient was, is not and won't be easy (since my journey is not even half-way complete). Especially not being able to go to US with Hozea... especially not being around when he looks for a job... it's tough not being around when DGs start in motion, when the discipling starts, when my new nurture class is in, when my friends are also going through job changes... But I just know that there's something to it when David declares "I will NOT offer up something that costs me nothing". So I plod on... because the sacrifice of a ready heart is pleasing.. and I want to please Him.

The best miracle that "sealed the deal" was obtaining my visa in HK. Through great maneuvering by the One above, I met Uncle TH in Guangzhou, after telling Kel and the HK team that I was considering applying for a visa in HK at the embassy. I was directed to a travel agency and with a lot of grace and wonders... managed to get double-entry 30 days to China. Yes, this means I will have to travel in and out of Liannan by myself at least once. But this is such a blessing. I recall Serene saying that a month is a long time at the airport.. and I shocked her by saying that "Gd-willing, I'll be gone for 3 months". And lo and behold, it was.

Now it's my last day in Changsha and the emotions are very real. I am afraid. Truly a little disturbed at trying to find my way from Yangshuo to Liannan... and then the little outward bound trip to HK and back... But He who brought me so far, would not forsake me. =) I can trust the HS to add faith where I lack.

Thanks for all the requests made on my behalf to Him... I appreciate it cos I know that i've been buffered by grace all along.

happy enai

En'ai is a happy girl. =) If you are wondering why I have not been as free as I should be in boring ole China with my parents of all people, it's actually because my mother gave me a HUGE project to complete. Thanks to the One Above, I've completed a 24-page "booklet" for her. It's a booklet on banners and dance that she intends to use when she teaches.

Apart from that of course, my mother has kindly arranged activities to bless me back. Like in-kind payment? =) So I've been to visit the orphanage, been to the tailors, and today, went shopping!

Pictures above for all to share my joy especially Cheryl! I thought of her all too often as I roamed the streets today. Shopping in Changsha is not very good at all... but I bought all my stuff (or rather my mummy bought for me! =) ) from ONE store called MetersBonwe. All the tops (purple, white blouse, white tee and the shiny black blouse) are from there, so are the shorts. The dark grey skirt, dress and black pants are from the tailors (the tailoring here is good and super cheap -pants RMB 52)! and the khaki skirt a present from my mum. My mum actually called me when we were at the vocational school in Lian Nan to consult me on it! hahaha.

Oh! and the muffins.. I baked to bring to the orphanage for the kids. It was a blessing to me to see how Aunty Chew Ping's muffins and the long hours with hazel actually gave me a skill I can use to bless others... now my mummy loves them and has a stash in the fridge! =)

the journey of walking

I've been away for 18 days but it feels much longer. I'm not even sure what is happening in Singapore because I can only read blogs that are not on wordpress... and I can't even access the links of my friends because I don't remember them! (they're all stored on my blog which I can't get into)

I'm walking further and further away from my comfort zone, and into the "realm of the unknown", hoping and trusting that He is there, holding my hand. Leaving work was easy... possibly cos Jo and Eileen were not around and I was happy to leave the frustrating environment. Leaving my family at home was not so bad... maybe because it was very late, maybe because I've kinda left them for a long while, maybe because they've got their own things to do. Saying goodbye to church friends in malacca and at the airport was also not that bad... possibly because I got to take alot of my friends with me!

Trying to say goodbye to hozea was difficult. I cried... and almost cried again when I left him at the airport... It's not easy choosing to be in different country... and if I could be with him and do His will at the same time then I would. But we figured that part of my walk is walking apart from hozea at time. How can I bear it? grace and love... just like many other things in my life. I am very grateful for someone who releases me to walk in obedience and supports me and loves me, even though i've "abandoned" him in Singapore. It's just 3 months, we'll have the rest of our lives to make it up. =)

Saying bye to the China team before we headed to Shen Zhen and Hong Kong was kinda rushed and surreal. I actually can't believe that I won't talk to hazel for like 2 months! Eeps. but now that I think about it, I won't talk to any of the church people for about that period of time! Whoa... but without Kel in Hong Kong and Shen Zhen we were like fish out of water. It was honestly the hardest thing to leave Joel, Ben, Gabs and Cheryl in Hong Kong though... I hugged Cheryl, the boys prayed for me, and I walked off... sobbing and trying to hold it in. I think up to that point, i've been graciously buffered by having people around me.

Now, alone at home finally in a long while, I must confess I feel it. I miss hozea and wonder where on earth he is right now, cos my msges are not being replied. I miss all my BA people... and i think often about what is going on there- especially with Serene, my nurture class, the girls, cherie, the leaders... I miss Eileen and Jo very much... and I miss my jie and bro.

Yet I persist. I'm not whining or complaining because this is my journey to learn what walking in Him is like... Paul's experiences show me that there is so much to discover about Him when I go. So I went and I'm going and I will be gone! But I carry all of you in my heart.

In China where I cannot get through to wordpress

Ah... well...

In China where communication is sparse because
1) I'm on the road too often
(been to Malaysia, Lian Nan town and villages, Guangzhou, Shen Zhen, Hong Kong, Changsha in the span of 3.5 weeks?)
2) I lost my Singapore SIM card. Ask Hozea for my China number or email me
3) Everything is censored. I CANNOT access any wordpress blogs =(
4) Phone bills are expensive

Many things have happened recently, and I'll likely try and use this blog to update instead, and once I return to Singapore, move the posts back to wordpress, my happy home. =)

The schedule of things to come..
Changsha till 5th July
5th Jul - Heng Yang (orphanage site)
6th-10th - Yang Suo (family holiday in small Gui Ling)
10th July - 19th August - Lian Nan (6-weeks Summer course)

* Somewhere between 20-28th July I must head out to Hong Kong once all alone to exit and re-enter for visa purposes.

MOVED!

I've MOVED! =) after weighing the differences, I've decided to export my blog to wordpress..

http://iamenai.wordpress.com

finally restarted blogging.... after a full year.... so

There's no tagboard there, so do leave comments and let me know that you got this msg! =)

winding down, winding up

I'm in the middle of a moment.

In a microperspective for winding down,
- my semester is coming to an end
- my car has been sold
- my room and possessions are slowly being sorted and packed

In a more macro look,
- my time in the USA is ending
- my undergraduate studies are coming to an end
- there are some people that I will never ever see again... that thought scares me...

But things are getting frantic as
- I finish off my senior paper, and random other assignments and test for school
- I rent a car, plan the holiday and try to settle money issues
- I'm graduating! I have cards to write, presents to give and goodbyes to be said

and just STUFF..

but you know, when all is said and done, I thank God He brought me here, and I thank God that he's bring me home. =) I like home.

yeah, its been awhile....

sorry... it's the last month to graduation, and i'm flooded with work, responsibilities, various honor ceremonies and the like, meetings and just trying to get my head screwed on right.

on the flip side, God has been very good, and I see the light =) distant, but i see it.

BOSTON

And I'm in Boston.

And it's COLD... and it snowed! (but it didn't stick)

And I'm with my sister, and happy... a little bored... but it's good.

Today... I walked around a lil bit.. around Harvard Square.

Top three memorable things today
1) Pretty paper at this paper and stationary speciality shop. Nice striped vellum. 50c a piece... I just might... =)
2) This cool wall decoration at Urban Outfitters. I think I will try to do something like it for my own home
3) Amazing chocolate desserts bought at 8:30pm for "dinner" and brought home in a freezing 20 min walk.

But really. most of the time i was at my jie's place. Pretty cool.

Let each man pray as best as he can

Nothing could be more intensely individual than the prayers of the Bible. Nobody tries to commune with God in any one else's way. Some pray kneeling, like Paul (Acts 20:36); some standing, like Jeremiah (Jer. 18:20); some sitting, like David (2 Sam. 7:18); some prostrate, like Jesus (Matt. 26:39). Some pray silently, like Hannah (1 Sam 1:13); some aloud, like Ezekiel (Ezek. 11:13). Some pray in the temple (2 Kings 19:14); some in bed (Ps. 63:6); in the fields (Gen. 24:22,12); on the hillside (Gen. 28:18-20); on the battlefield (1 Sam. 7:5); by a riverside (Acts 16:13); on the seashore (Acts 21:5); in the privacy of the chamber (Matt 6:6). Moreover all sorts of temperaments are found at prayer; practical leaders like Nehemiah, who in silent ejaculation of the spirit seeks God's help before he speaks to the king (Neh 1:3,5); poets like the writer of the 27th Psalm, who love communion with God; men of melancholy mind like Jeremiah, "Hast thou utterly rejected Judah? hath thy soul loathed Zion?" (Jer. 14:19); and men of radiant spirit like Isaiah, "Jehovah, even Jehovah is my strength and song; and he is become my salvation" (Isa. 12:2).

There are as many different ways of praying as there are different individuals. Consider the prayer of St. Augustine: "Let my soul take refuge from the croding turmoil of worldly thoughts beneath the shadow of thy wings; let my heart, this sea of restless waves, find peace in thee, O God." And then in contrast consider the prayer of Lord Ashley, before he charged at the battle of Edge Hill: "O Lord, thou knowest how busy I must be this day. If I forget Thee, do not Thou forget me."

We need to remember, therefore, that there is no one mould of prayer into which our communion with God must be run. Let each man pray as best as he can.
- From The Meaning of Prayer by Harry Emerson Fosdick
Taken from Disciplines for the Inner Life by Bob Benson Sr. and Michael W. Benson

keeping tabs

1 voicemail
1 reply to comment on post
1 msg
25:12mins of talk time

or maybe I can look at it as

1 opportunity to leave a message to say that you missed me
1 reply to help me understand you
1 msg to let me know that i can call you and talk
Close to half on hour of sacrifice of not eating, and trying to sort out a tangled mess.

I'd take the second view... only it feels like i'm forced to take the first.

I'm sorry you are so busy.

hmmm

Hmm...
alright... so i've been rather busy with self reflection for the last few weeks... trying to get a hold of who I am and God.

and i think I have come to this conclusion.

I am blessed.

I feel at times cheated of the things I thought I should have. I feel at times lost without the people I thought I had. I feel at times unhappy with the things I do have. I feel at times mad at the thought of the things I have lost. I feel at times dissapointed with the person I thought I was. I feel at times crazy with the things that I have not taken good care of. I feel at times distant from the God that I thought had me.

But I am blessed. I might think one way, and might act one way, and might feel all this ways... but I am blessed. It's been a long road to this point, but i'm here... I can stand and say, i'm content. It is good. I can rejoice....

Cabin fever.

Snow
Freezing rain
Icy roads

Bleah.


I know... i know snow sounds exciting... and I guess if you were in a holiday chalet someway in the Alps or somewhere where the snow means luxury, then it's pretty exciting...

But where snow means dangerous driving, (accidents happen about like once every ten minutes!! it's a nightmare) and it means that it's too cold to go running, or wash your car, or even your clothes (I'm a wuss, but the washer and dryer are in the garage which pretty open)... then snow gives me cabin fever. I didn't even get to church. that makes me really sad!

SNOW!

What a conclusion to a somewhat tumultous week.

I switched babysitting days for tue/wed this week cos Jenn needed me too.
Went to screen on mon/thu
Went to school on fri
Spent 4 1/2 hours making envelopes for the survey
V-day came and went
Bible study was amazing, and I bought a new and amazing devotional book
I mailed my taxes
I did not do my homework
I went to aerobics twice this week
I went to Applebees and the mall with Anne, Eileen and Lynnette
I drove in freezing rain
I drove on snowed roads
Cooked twice this week. Big batch of chicken stew, and then chicken soup
Brought Lynnette to pick up her parcel
Went to grocery store...
Watched olympics

Well, lots of things...
but what i did doesn't how I feel... and i am suffering from a sever case of SAD.
Seasonal Affective Disorder
I.e. Winter depression.

The snow might be pretty, but the chilly weather and the inability to get outside and exercise really really puts me in a down mood.

well =) things are looking up... there's church tomorrow! and i LUUUURVE church!

hmm... and God loves me, so i should be happy right? =)

fun at the zoo

I miss the Singapore Zoo.

Other than that, the Tulsa Zoo trip was a stellar expedition for the Honors Fellows to take. It was a bright, sunny, blue-skyed day, which coupled with blustery winds and winter weather, made for a real treat. The indoor exibits were tolerable, but nothing extraordinary, nothing to make to day special except for one thing... one guy that stole my heart.

Heh. Chill. I'm not talking about like a classmate or anything... but little Owen, with a winsome smile, a blonde tousled head of questions and hands that were magnetic to all things dirt. I wish I had taken pictures... OOOHHH.. so cute.

So much for spending time catching up with old friends... I didn't get to talk much to the girls (Katie, Jen, Sarah, Abby or Kristen... not even Jamie and Lisa). I spent most of my time chasing this little boy around and being delighted and disgusted (puddle-stamping, dirt-finding)! Heh... little kids are so awesome... you know?

You and I go to the zoo to see animals... and we make all sorts of comments about them. He? He found the lamposts, recycling bins and etched pavements just as every bit interesting as the monkeys, birds fishes and what-nots. He also discovered what echo is.

So anyway... because of little Owen, I spent most of my time with Dr Korstad and Adam- them being the only 3 males in our girly bunch.

Argh. Help me! I need to get over this cute kid... but really.. doesn' your heart just melt when this little 3-4? year old kid runs down the pavement yelling, "O-R-U, O-R-U" heh. =) He's special.

I can only Imagine

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side
I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son
I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine
- Mercy Me

i love

i love God, and i love this church!

TLC is absolutely incredible. God is too... and more and more I'm excited about Bible Study, about spending time with other Christians and about just living for Him. I may only have 3 months left in Tulsa, but i'm going to "do the church thing" cos I love God and for some amazing reason, I have a joy and a peace in my heart about this that will not die out!