undone

i need to quote serene.

"obedience is the sweetest and toughest place to be in"
- serene ng, WAGOH

thanks for the kick that was much needed sister. =)

Today, I cried for a long time... twice. But they were for different reasons. I cried first because I did not have what I wanted and I had manipulated myself to the point where I believed I could control that. Those tears, I cried for myself... were selfish tears. I tried to ease my self-inflicted pain... by reading story books, eating favorite apples and nothing.

But I realised, that I was not right and I could not run away. I gave up... and I went to worship. I haven't done that in ages... but God knew... and there, in front of the throne of grace. I came undone.

My weaknesses are too many... and I cannot believe that I have let myself go unchecked for so long. Just because there are areas of my life that are ok, it doesn't make me holy. Its like a tree. Just because it has fruit on its branches, doesn't mean that there are no dying branches, or that there are no bagworms eating it up.

I'm undone.

But fessing up to God, and coming to terms with myself was necessary... I have been such a fool. Incredible. I have been such a fool... and now I have come undone. What a glorious thing! Because now I can start afresh... I let sin fester in my life, and God was the surgeon who came and started cutting out the black poison, and washed it with His blood.

I had forgotten something God told me before church camp,in the weeks that I was in Sabah. He told me I had a higher calling, and I was to grab it. We all have a higher calling, but so so many of us choose to live out the minimal Christian lifestyle. It's not about going to church every sunday, serving in church or even learning about God. God has a higher calling for us to be passionate about Him.. His love. And you know something? If you truly pursue that... and live out the intimate relationship with God that both you and He desire... then people will see that, and you will bear fruit.

My higher calling. I can't define it for you, not really for you to know either =). But I forgot it, and I remembered it once more. I am committed to God. In everything... especially my fallible nature... my heart, my hands, my words and my deeds.

I cannot look to someone satify my needs. Because man, like me, is weak. But there are passionate sisters... and brothers who I can trust to steer me to where I can find that... and I thank God for her. Truly, truly... i'm back at my Source.