PICTURES

Just as I promised.. pictures of the room. Heh.. if you try and use the bed as a frame of reference... You can see what the room looks like! The room, in cricular arrangement, starting from the bed and going right... is this...

The bed, then the shelf, and the guitar

view of the bed

After the guitar, a set of drawers and my closet, or wardrobe..
(I put the mirror up myself! =) )

view from my bed

then the door, a standing lamp and my desk...

the desk..

and then... back to the BED! =)
( the light made it weird, my shirt was orange, but the body pillow to the side of my head is pink! and the pillow on top of my head, that's striped orange, red and pink!)

me! happy on bed

And then we go outside to see Kathy! =)

Kathy doing her homework...

And then outside even more, to find the HUGE cat, Burbank!

Kathy and Burbank

That's mine, the 96 Toyota Camry. Care to suggest some names?

my car!

And then yes, this is home... from the outside! =)

the house itself

home for the next 4 months

I'm where I will call "Home" for the next four months. Or at least till I start talking about going back home, as in Singapore home. I wish I could show you pictures, but those will have to wait because I'm stuck without my camera.

So, i'm in transition...
Lets talk about the BIG picture, before we talk about the minute ones...

• I'm in my senior year. It's my last year to study all I want to study undergrad-wise.
• It's my last year in America. I have that much time to decide if I really love it or hate it.
• It's my last year away from family. Once I'm back, i'll be with family all the time. I guess this is actually really excting for me!
• And yes, It's my last year before I have to find a job and all.

While the big concepts cover everything, i'm also dealing with

• Driving a car.. urgh... and trying to find time to send it for a check.
• Get used to living off-campus. Which so far, is a blast... but has made me a little more lazy!
• Living with Kathy, an all-American grandmother who is graduating with me!
  
• Classses: this is a long one. I have challenging classes this year. Which is to say, as usual.. i will be working hard. Each class is like a mini transition, let me elaborate.
• Senior Practicum. This means that hopefully, i'll be working 2 full days a week, doing real social work.
• Faith and Civilization. This class is very "American" and big... and it's the Honors Fellow class. Intellectualism and critical thinking is neccessary. Heh, i need a huge mindset change for this one.
• Community Social Work. This class is hands-on and well... just a blur right now.
• Survey of French Literature. So far, this has been my most-feared class. But it seems alright, I have like 25 pages to read by tuesday though!
• Research Methods. Otherwise conveniently named as the "Kiel-ler class" (prof's name is Mr Kiel). Sigh, but it'd be fine!
• Being away from Singapore. I miss my boyfriend!!! yes... and I really miss being able to hang out with becks, hazel... miss mornings with cherie and seeing friendly faces around.

and that's that. But yes, this does mean that i should be back updating my blog more regularly as I have my internet back and all raring to go!

Pray for me yeah? that would be really nice...

in Hozea's house...

yay. I'm in Hozea's house now, using the wireless network here! haha... yah... it's nice to be able to use the net again, though it's not for fun! bleah. I'm here to do assignments... sigh. Was a GREAT feeling to send in the 3 that i've completed... i'm left with one last paper (10-15 pages) and then i'm DONE... for this class at least. =) Praise God, no exams!

BUT! I do have correspondence class work due next week. and those need some work as well... study study study.

But really.... though i say i wouldn't so summer classes again, I wouldn't have chosen another route anyway. It's either this, overloading by 3 classes next semester or staying in US till Dec next year!!! I rather graduate in May! =P

yay. so now off to rest, before starting on Singaporean Women and their position in Singapore society.

passing days

in a sense, the days here seem to pass me by... all of a sudden, i've almost spent a week here in Sabah... Things have happened of course... and we've been doing things, but yet, seems like nothing is happening at all.

Things are changing in my family. A couple of decisions made on a Saturday afternoon left our lives in a big tumble... one that will eventually land us all back in Singapore. I pray that it will work out... but you know, man proposes and God disposes. Just hopefully that this one God will back us up on. In a year's time, I'll be home with my jie, find a job and start working... and we'll be taking care of my brother. THings seems so vague and uncertain. Yet.. the date of my graduation is out already. =)

Another piece of news, i have a long dec holiday too! 4 weeks =) YAY! so I'll most likely be coming home after all!! haha... I think Becky and Hozea can understand my excitement. It shouldn't suprise you that I would be excited to go home.

Thinking about it, i'm not the adventurous type.. or not the travelling type. I've been told to make goos use of my time in the US and TRAVEL!!! but honestly, what i've seen on my 3 weeks road trip was great... but i'm more than prepared to not do it again... I'd want more time to spend in one place, less travelling, more experiencing and more getting-to-know-you kinda thing. When you're running around the US in a car, getting places seem more important than people sometimes... =(

Just another thought. =) Been really glad to be with my sis. Lately, we've been praying every morning and night for our family, friends, boyfriends (special category no?) and ourselves too. It's been a good discipline... and of course, when you ebgin to pray for someone, you find that you miss them less. =)

love you all! take care... seeya.. SOON!

Hozea and I =) *yay*

and now.. in Sabah

my travelling is not done... now in Sabah. In the last week, i've been to Singapore, KL and Sabah. Such is the life of a very very busy 20 year old.

For that matter, it's hard to believe i'm 20 and I'm attached. My grandparents and aunties and uncles over in KL, all are so super excited for me! haha... my grandma though... (i call her mama) is so different. I haven't seen them in 2.5 years, and all of a sudden, it's like... *wham*.. she's old and frail and soft spoken. It's kinda sad... but in a way, it's right... it's meant to be... It's hard to reconcile the fact that one day they won't be around in KL anymore, and i'll have no reason to go to KL... hmmm, well, maybe to see my cousins... but yeah. that's sad.

sigh... on a happier note. God is good. Church camp was excellent... i think that i got out alot more than I gave. God brought me there to do something with me... and well.. hopefully He used me in the process for other people lah... but really, alot of this camp was healing for me. I LOVED being able to be with the leaders in fellowship once again, missed out so much when i was in Tulsa. I also got to talk to Becky... haven't been with her enough.. but really... best friends are forever... so amazing lah. It's just like that. God is good. And i had a terrific group... and they were awesome... and I think they grew in camp. It was so refreshing, and such a blessing to be encouraged by them all. And yes, of course, I got to spend time with Hozea.. which was kinda special cos we both thought we'd be too busy with leading (for me) and games and worship (for him) to actually do anything. But, i think we learnt alot about each other during camp as well. So i'm glad he went, even though he didn't really want to. Becky too.

=) Things in Sabah are slow. OOH! I cut my hair. Not super short lah.. but enough to make me notice that a bunch of it is gone. Stop telling me i'm not adventurous. I KNOW i'm not. hehe... and i think i'm happy enough not trying to be lah. There's too much stress involved in trying to overcome the fear. Being with my family is rather routine lah. Get up, breakfast, do something, cook dinner, play at night, go to sleep... and so forth.

Missing Singapore... and my boyfriend alot. Sigh. oh well. i'll stop the mush. Will be back with my jie on the 4th July. She's leaving for Japan.. and I dont know when i'll get to see her again too. It's bveen wonderful getting to sepnd about more than a month with her. I miss her alot too. She is really the best elder sis in the world!
Pics will be out later... =)

back in tulsa

just wanted to let you all know, i'm coming home on the 15th early morning (what else is new) and going for church camp on the 17th June...

will be back in Singapore on the 4th July. Going to KL and Sabah after church camp

=) seeya all really soon!

in boston

well

Boston is
freezing cold.

other than that. My wonderful jie had graduated from TUFTS U, and will bemoving onto further studies at the Harvard... =) yay.

met my sister's friends.... in particular, Ken and Rachelle
Ken... haha.. scored lots of points with my parents and me. Nice guy all round lah. Kinda reminds me of Graham and Ben rolled into one. Stable and extremely nice, but a little cheeky and takes care of everything kinda "kor" feel... ut maybe i get that feel because it's my jie...

Rachelle.. such a sweetie pie. I love her for the way she loves my jie... and well, sh'es just fun.

okie.. fingers dying

post again maybe when i'm int he sunny land of florida

MIA

Well... yes, i admit it fully. I have been absoultely MIA for the last few weeks. Been a crazy spring and summer semester. I have learnt alot.

BUT... =) PRAISE GOD! The semester is over tomorrow and I will be on my way to Boston for a family vacation that will last an entire 3 weeks. =)

So.... no countdown to going home this time. Though from this day, there's like what 27 days? Hozea and I were counting just yesterday in an attempt to lift my spirits. Haven't slept more than 4 hrs a night for the last 3 nights. My nerves are fried out and my brain? heh. But of course, through it all, I have a sense of peace. God has been so good. providing me with a good friends to help me move to Kathy's, to stay over night and stuff like that.

So... haha... maybe i'll come online once in a while... but for now, =) I'm going to pack up and get out of here. Tons of things to do... as usual!!! I'll see you back home! haha... if you want anything from the US.... better tell me now...

Take care, love you all... and i'll be seeing you in a bit! =)

woah... =) it's been at least a week since i've posted... what can i say? this summer is way more packed than my previous summer experience. Maybe it's the pining for home, or maybe it's the fact that i am not enjoying what is being taught. In any case, as per normal, it's hard work.

no life! argh. haha... i've actually had alot of thing on my mind to say, but i mean, really haven't got a chance to talk about it. I mean, talk about it to whom? when? Besides the fact that i'm stuck a couple of thousdand miles, i'm also a couple of hours behind. this makes things hard for everybody!!! somebody has to call, and somebody has to be awake for a conversation to happen.... and that, haha.. does not happen very often.

Doesn't matter! i'll be back in time for church camp! yay! I'm excited about church camp. Really am kinda glad that it's been pushed back, so i could make it... though i really feel the lost for the poly people... but God will make a way if there is such a possibility... haha. i remember skipping JC classes to make it to leaders retreat once. But I was so blessed. And while the thought of combined sermons and all is rather daunting.. it's also exciting. I can imagine the amount of power that is present when a church is united... it's also just more love floating around.. whee... love is so good!

Hmm.. so what have I been doing? Studying, hanging out with Ling and Eileen... hmm... working. It so happens that I am the student working for hte engineering/physics dept which is going up for accreditation.. i spent 5 hours in the office today... typing and such. yup. i dont intend to keep spending so much time, but i somehow do!

okie dokie... will go and rest for a bit. overworked today... =)

moved!

so instead of enjoying the last four days after my exams... i have been... MOVING! yup, out of my fall/spring room to my summer room. =) I'm sharing this room with eileen (see picture) for 17 days... haha.. then we MOVE out again! argh.. i hate moving... gives me alot of stress...

here's eileen looking miserable of the unpacking to do, after all the packing..

new room

me? I'm the worse for wear. I've done all the moving completely on my own. Have got myself really sore arms, legs and back... couple of bruises (one huge bump on my shin), cuts and more. I'm pretty tired out, and cant believe that summer school starts tomorrow... and in 19 days i'll be off with my family in Boston. Till then i have as usual... tons of work! haha... whats new right? This year I have er... 3 classes... compared to last years' 5! so not so bad. gotta brush up on my french though.

Il faut que je parlerait francais parce-que je doit prend classe francaise quand l'annee dernier?

heh.. *hug*

SEE SEE!

driver license!

Praise God! I'm so excited... that it's finally over, that i dont have this burden on my shoulders! I can drive! haha... (i was so excited i almost posted it with all my information on there!!! but thankfully remembered in time to smudge it all)

in the midst of all my exams.. all I can say is...
"Oh Lord, how you bless me!"
I know i've done so many things wrong... i've been stressed and angry and mad and sad and well... in all my "despiteness" God, is still God. How blessed am I, that I am not the one in charge? I'd wreck my entire life just the way i've wrecked... well... just the way i've wrecked my relationships with some and stuff.

By the way? I know I'm not supposed to email till after my exam is over... but I want to say sorry first. I truly dont understand what is going on, but I think it's the not understanding that is my fault... so yeah. I can't make everything better, but I will be praying for you and your finals, and hopefully that everything will be perfected in God's timing.

jireh and I 

gosh... i'm angry... haha.. maybe i need to go for some of the anger management classes that I work with at my practicum site. I think i've handled them pretty well though.

I'm angry that my teachers don't seem to care about how much load their students can take without breaking down and have their brains fried. I mean literally fried. It's ridiculous and I know it, but it's my what.. hundred thousand dollar education and I have to accept that God is bigger than their assignments and finals.

I'm really sad. I guess i should have known better... and not tried to care for everyone and probably end up hurting everyone instead. But... my intentions were miscontrued.. and gosh. that's just not fair! I dunno.. i guess i feel that i spent all the time, effort, money and everything... to show someone I cared... not to get whacked for the.. ARGH!!! ok.. i'm stressed and defensive and it probably isn't a big deal. What i cant figure out is... does she really think i'm that callous? or is it just her self-esteem. Neither is really a good answer...

okie.. sorry for that. =) haha. am i ok i guess i wil be in about 4 dyas when this craziness is over and I can just er... throw myself into another kinda of hecticness.

been a while since i updated huh? haha... guess why?

good guess! it's finals next week... haha.. needless to say, i'm taxed, stress and desiring to simply sleep. I actually need to be doing alot of things, but am putting them off.

well. the countdown is what?
57 days to singapore,
31 days to end of school
9 days to finals

i know, counting down makes me happy.

I failed my driving test! argh

so so insane. I'm slightly bloated and emotional right now, i think i will go and hide under the covers till i'm ready to face the world.

you know? it's one of those weeks that a simple "i can't talk to you" can make me cry... or stupid things like forgetting to transfer money so that i'm running into deficit in my bank account, or not collecting my cheque, or not finishing my essay, or argh! stuff lah. well.. suffice to say that the tears come like *snap* haha. take it as a warning... this week, unless you love me a whole bunch, stay away. haha. not that any of you are anywhere near me anyway right?

i'm much better now. =) Thanks for all the concern guys...

It;s been a crazy week.. especially for someone just recovering from the fever. But then again, it was cos of the fever that I had piled-up work and hence a busy busy busy week. Not to say that this week is not going to be busy. What on earth am I talking about?

Well, currently, I am putting off writing my 15 page paper. I have about 3 pages... well-written. and about a 1 1/2 pages of ramblings.. I am determined to write at least up to 7 pages tonight... and then tomorrow morning, another 2, afternoon another 5 and then finish off with another 2 at night, plus the checking.

this means I should not be here rambling away. But I am! heh. I shall put up pics soon... but I had a great weekend. Jireh, most wonderfullest JC friend that even existed. =P came down to visit me... and well, it was good. It wasn't "it was a blast!" good... it was "sigh, *smile*" good.. we talked alot... and still had more to say lah.. of course. but i mean... after not having seen her for two years... it did me alot of good to have her with me... to encourage me. She is such a blessing!

and more stuff lah. Darren (kor kor!) heh, came back to Tulsa for this weekend, and was absolutely great in taking us out... brought Eileen and I to the mall too. He's awesome lah. I mean... haha.. metrosexual maybe... but he's really nice about letting us shop, helping us get what we need... and despite the fact that he doesn;t talk much, i like being around him. He's that kinda of guy you can call and know that everything will be alright.

For that matter, so is Ronald. Maybe he's deprived of younger sisters.. but yeah. This weekend, he sacrificed Ling's apartment so that Jireh and I could spend the night there (she's not allowed to sleep in the dorms). And he was SO nice about it too... even sent us there himself.

Haha... yeah. God has been good to me lah. Maybe the reason why I am slacking right now. =P After getting through last week, I feel like there's nothing that can stop me. Tomorrow night, and possibly Tuesday morning, I might be desperately working on my paper. Argh. for now, I am mildly content to say "Thank You God".

You know? It's 2 more weeks to finals... which will be over in 3 days. So the official countdown goes.... 17 days to end of semester, 37 days to family holiday and 66 days to Singapore.
Well.. of course I will be immediately off to Malacca, then KL, then Sabah... before returning home for a longer period of time... but wow. I know to you guys it's a bunch of numbers, but to me, it means something more.

Knowing that the end is in sight. That there are no longer infinite days to be waiting. It really eases some of my burdens. You all know how much I miss home, miss my friends, miss my food, miss my church! yes.... heh. since I'm ranting, and raving. I might as well go ahead and miss away.

I miss...
breakfast in the morning with cherie: hearing good news, sharing good news, praising God.
worship on sunday: whether leading with Ivin, or standing next to Becks, singing away.
dtc and the great discussions we can get into when we are actually trying to learn
sunday lunches with hazel and the rest... tomyam or fish soup
sunday afternoons with hozea... just hanging out
saturday mornings and worship practices
BAY and the entirity of the afternoon being taken away
my cell girls and their sincerity, and their open-ness
Captain's ball
Dinner at night: hot and sweaty, but really great fellowship
stayover at becks' house: whether we talk all night, or we crash and fall asleep...
friday leader meetings.

and then more...
endless vcd watchings with my jie, with dark chocolate, fruits, bread and butter... and i-spy
reading books in the library
marine parade
watching movies and squirming at the horrible scenes
seeing cute things that i want to buy
eating peanut pancake... and waffle!!! argh...
milk tea, teh-c, teh-bing, green tea, chrysenthemum tea...
cycling under the stars
sitting on swings
early morning breakfasts alone at Blk 156

sigh. =) Well, i know that when i go home, there'll be things i miss here too... maybe not so much, but i cant say I wont miss the open skies, the squirrels... =)

i hate fever

fever=miserable=alone in room=hot and cold=homework not getting done= sleeping alot= tired=achey=bored=frustrated=sad=bad=mad

bleah...

Eileen turning 21...

eileen and me


me in the restaurant


elaine, yiling, eileen (try saying that fast!)


yay. back in my room!

lesson learnt

I can't control my future
I can't decide my destiny
for goodness sake,
I can't even say what the weather will be tomorrow!

I can control one very important thing,
I can determine my choice.

and today, I choose to let what I can't control
fortify my faith instead of feeding my fear.

Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To

The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason,
Why You brought me here
But just because You love me
The way that You do,
I'm going to walk through this valley
If You want me to

Now I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise
That You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials
Bring me closer to You
I will go through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When You lead me through a world that not my own
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So if the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I cant hear You answer
My cries for help
I'll remember the suffering
Your love put You through,
And I will go through the valley
If You want me to.

A song that has kept me breathing when everything around me crumbles, a song I can sing with understanding because the valley is the present. But a song I can sing with joy, because there's a hope that He, is not through with me yet.

haven't updated in a long while... it's been strange. It's hectic, but slow-going. Maybe all the hectic activity is inside my head. I have SO much work to do, and yet it is being done... God is amazing... that's all I can testify to. Because when i think about it carefully... I'm still sitting here, wishing I could be something else, yet the work is getting done.

I'm starting to LOVE weekends. They never used to be any different for me... I'd work through them just as if they were school days without school. It's not like I don't do that now.. i just work through them and take long breaks in between, to nap, read, chat and stuff.

things to get done (so I can see it)
Research Paper on Physical Environment with Presentation (by 5 April)
Evaluation Paper for Group Dynamics (by 5 April)
Aesthetics Paper on Christianity and Art (by 11 April)
Response Paper for HUM 350 (by 15 April)
Policy Analysis Paper (by 15 April?)

So yeah.. those are the major papers. For most of the classes, there's only going to be the final left (yay!)... so now it's just plodding through slowly... because I mean, I have school in between now and those dealines, which make them so much closer! don't you think.

Taking time in between though. I'm struck by something. I can't imagine, the emotions of God... when He takes me into His arms. I've walked away, ran away... sometimes even tripped and fell away... and yet, again and again, though He sees me for who I am. Empty, weak, sinful and poor... He takes me back. That's the wonder of it all, he didn't just sacrifice His blood... He sacrificed his dignity... It was not just physical pain... which was hellish, I'm sure... but it was emotional. It was willingly being mocked and ridiculed for choosing to love me. Now after all that, can I still turn my head away? I can't.

AMAZING!

Amazing Love
I'm forgiven because You were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
And I'm alive and well, Your Spirit lives within me
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing Love
How can it be
That You, my King would die for me
Amazing Love
I know it's true
And it's my joy to honor You
In all I do, I honor You.

I think... I think I take being alive and well for granted. But truly being alive isn't about existing, it's about existing with meaning. That's what sets life apart from non-life. I know I can be passionate about alot of things, and some of them seem like godly ambitions, and some of them secular. But it's what i'm passionate about that makes me live. I am passionate about God... but i'm passionate about Singapore, about relationships, about helping, about art... but my purpose? I guess it's to honor God. Can I do it? I hope so... but not by my own willpower. By my own strength, i'd be lying in my bed failing again and again. I'd be cranky, snap at loved ones, have nervous breakdowns, walk around in a daze and never seem to kick the guilt feeling and find peace. But with God, it has already been done. He died, to give me life, not an existence... but a purposeful life. It has been done.

Is is really my joy to honor Him. To be honest, that takes time. I can't say that I don't enjoy serving God... I do, I love ministering... but it's not just about being in church with people I love and can pour out into. It's more. Honoring God with joy means sitting in Tulsa with joy, it means studying with joy, it means talking to my parents with joy, it means connecting with my friends with joy, it means living out my responsibilities with joy... maybe it even means missing home with joy. Lately... that's not been happening! BUT! I'm claiming my joy back, i'm leaning on Him. I want to be able to be real about the joy inside of me.. it's welling up!

I'm holding nothing back
I give you every part
My soul has been released
Your love has captured my heart...

sigh. he called after all... just when i was about to sleep

it's the end!!!
I can't believe my spring break is over. I haven't done much... not enough to consider it a productive break. It was however, a very restful one. I should say slack.

Am I an extrovert? I think I may get a certain kind of energy from being with people. That hyper happy cheery alls-good feeling. But when i'm alone, I think I'm happy too. It's a more de-motivating motivation energy. haha... like i get more energy to do nothing. for me... doing nothing requires alot of energy. I dunno. I like being buried in my room, i like talking to only a couple of people, i like that nobody is affected by what I do.. to an extent. back home, everything is different.

oh well. I'm going back to enjoy my buried-ness. call me out if you dare.

Oh.. so strange... Braden called me today. He's a friend, an ex-ORU fellow.. used to be in like my class.. but i honestly am not very close to him? But yeah.. kinda was closer to him than any other of the fellows.. but right now, he's back in Kansas studying Art, and I dont ever talk to him muchk except when he calls, for fun! He called me to tell me when he'd be visiting ORU... and whether I'd be free to hang out. He's just weird.

Haha.. i so rarely get calls from guys that it always freaks me out. Still does. Even when Dr. Halsmer returned my call about work, I was like "Who is this??". ha. I rarely get calls... that's fine. I've grown out of talking on the phone every night. I remember like 8 years ago.. haha... talking on the phone through the night was the "must-do"... now, i get sleepy, and i put down the phone.

Heh. I'm glad Braden did not call me back like he said he would, even after I told him "er... you don't have to call me back". haha...

break
rest
sleep
hibernation
solitude
isolate
bury
break

finally

i was thinking about...
i was going to...
i was just about to...
i was meaning to...
i wanted to...

is not the same as
"i did"

sigh.

backing off

"Have it your way!" thrown in the face of someone you love could mean frustration, anger and hopelessness. "Have it your way" said with willing hands and a willing heart, means something very different.

I think this morning, i started two fights. I started one between myself and Reason, and I started one between myself and someone I love.

My fight with reason, did not last long.
"Reason? why is it that you are not on my side"
"Why should i be!"
"Why not!!! I make... i have a right to all these things... a right... right?"
"Well... no."
"Well, I don't need you to be on my side. I can do whatever I want... after all, I am a child of God... a princess! Am I not deserving of better?"
"haha... well you a princess? Now that's unreasonable... but you are right. You are a child a God. He doesn't need me on His side... He has his own principles. But you, young lady... you aren't abiding by His either!"
"oh... well I am going to now. *sticks my tongue out at him* I guess I'll do what is right, instead of what I think I will give me what I deserve. but no thanks to you!"
*I toss my head and walk off, leaving reason with his mouth hanging wide open* I think God and him had a deal today...

The second fight... that lasted a bit longer. Because doing what was right in God's sight meant I had to be humble, it meant I would not get what I wanted, it meant I had to let it go. "Have it your way..." I mumbled to God... and reluctantly, I withdrew from my fight. I stepped back, and then forward, this time, armed with gentle encouragement and love instead of hurtful and accusatory words. I guess that fight ended.

This is not to say I am entirely happy with what I did. What I started out with this morning, cannot be erased... it's still there, and even if I do my QT at 4:30am, before I meet anyone else... it's still there. In my heart, I always want my way. And God's way.. at least today, was not my way till me and Reason, we had that little chat...

I figure me not making things hard was good. At least I knew was not cutting down and destroying. Did what I needed, which I thought I deserved, ever get to me? Er... yes, but not in that way. To say the truth, I still want something... but I guess I'll keep giving God His way, and maybe... He'll give me the desires of my heart?

eh! look here hor!

haha.. for my fellow singaporeans

SINGLISH

enjoy.

finally....

pictures of DC!

You Cover Me

Your grace is like blanket
keep me warm

You watch my back
push me out of danger

You lid me tight
I don't grow stale and jaded

You place a veil
I remain pure, a mystery

You write a prose
I am my story

You shelter me
I am safe and secure

I was going to write a blog to rant about my 4am day, rather, I am struck by God's covering on my life.

BACK!

i'm home. now tired and stressed and lots of work to do.

BUT. i had a great time. loved the capital. =)

off to Washington DC!

yup, i'm taking a week off classes (administratively excused!) to go to the capital of USA to attend the David Barton Leadership Conference. It's actually a conference for government and history majors, but I can take this trip for HUM 350 and then substitute it for HUM 111 or 112. Works out good for me, even though i am slightly concerned about missing all my classes, especially since i will have 2 tests that I have to take the following monday, and then 2 major major papers in the next week, not to mention a plethora of other activities.

it'd be fun though. i'll take lotsa pics and post them when i'm back. =)

Father Healer

i have alot on my heart tonight... so bear with me as I tell my tale. Believe me, share with me... be encouraged.. that God is GOD!!! and I are mere man.

On Monday night, at leader's prayer meeting (for the wing), Amanda (Chaplain) shared that she was going to share with the girls about first being a child of God, before anything else. God laid upon my heart to share the song "Precious Child" by Vineyard, a song that I have kept in my heart since Australia. I however, anticipated being stressed and having a math test and homework due, as well as papers... and I refused to act. I never told Amanda or anything. About 20 minutes before devos, the burden grew stronger. I hadn't been able to do much math and I was stressed out. But somethind in me cried out to be obedient. So I went and told Amanda. God was there, because Mandy who was originally playing pulled out at the last minute due to studies, and Amanda was about to ask me. So first *whoa*.

But I was not there just for the song. Throughout the devos, Johanna had complained of this pain in her neck that was getting to her back. She was struggling to sit properly the entire devos, and I sensed her discomfort. I was so anxious to pray for her. Well, Amanda, Charlene, Tamika and I laid hands on her and just prayed. I remember what I prayed... and I remember what Amanda was saying.... and I remember kneeling behind Johanna, my hand on her back calling "Jesus". After she got up, she started to yell becuase the intense pain had gone. It's not completely healed, we are still praying. That sounded to me like one of those healing rally stories my school excels in, on TV, in magazines, books... not in Amanda's room. But I knew?... while i was praying, i felt her healed. It was just that. a deep sense within.

What am I saying? God is loving and He is powerful. Not only to love us as children, but to love us enough to push us when we don't do whats right, heal us when we hurt, teach us to trust Him and let us know that He is around.

I'm full of fear for God. I dont think I understood that till now. Inside me, there's a deep trembling. Thank you God for giving me as many pushed as I needed to make me be there, thank you God that we could pray for Johanna, thank You God that You moved mightily. I'm alive, and God's alive. and He lives in me today!

God is so awesome. I know. Whoa!!!

now i shall rest in his presence as I sleep for a couple of hours before hitting the pythagorean triples and all. God... who heals, who calls... =) thankfully can impart wisdom and intelligence too!

新年快乐

whoa. spend the wee hours of the morning calling up my relatives in KL and singapore., in between, i woke up my poor darling jie to go and call the fam too!

sigh. i'm not say upset about calling them. i have a test today... so i am up studying... and i'm eating and drinking coffee to stay awake... but the compounded lack of sleep is getting to me.

anyway... off topic already. just wanted to say that i wish i could be in SOME home for CNY, Singapore or KL... just with some people that love me, that i love... and enjoy family for once. Those who are with family, relish it. You never know when you may come to appreciate those cheek-pinching aunties, or uncles who ask the oh-so-important question (are you attached? where's you girlfriend?) (haha.. that was especially for Kel...) and the noisy cousins.. some which you get along with, and others that you don't/

be grateful.. haha. really!!!

he's coming back... ready?

for the last two weeks, i've been attending service at VCC, next to my school. Pastor Billy Joe has been talking about the end times... I wonder how many of us out there have been thinking about the very same thing.

Jesus is coming soon. It will always be like that, till the day He comes. Time to him, is not fixed like ours. Instead of trying to predict when He's coming, we should be ready to go now. I should... but am I?

I know i'm where i'm supposed to be. God will find me here, he will recognise me. am I worthy to be raptured? that's tough. I hope so. I hope i've obeyed him enough, kept pursuing Him and righteousness... and deserve that, and the crown and the throne room! but will i have regrets? YES. plenty. things that i wish i had said or done, and people i wish i could have said or done more for.

God, forgive me. For not being selfless enough.

I guess i wont know when He's coming, i know i don't. All i can do now is work out my salvation with fear and trembling. Be prepared to be judged. Know that i did everything out of a love for Him, and a desire to obey Him. Be ready to face Him, to thank him for all the sins that He will not hold against me, and be ready to receive a judgement call. I want to be a sheep, not a goat.

there's mroe to be done. way more. but i can start here. by sharing and praying... and being where God wants me to be till He moves me to someplace else.

I still have hopes and dreams. plenty. But that's ok. God didn't ask us to not to hope for the future, just not to put off what is better done today, for tomorrow.

flipping over

i'm handing in the reins
bouncing the ball in your court
letting you take the lead
washing my hands clean
passing the buck over
giving you the keys

release

i've been swamped by Godly principles. good thing too. only that i have too many thoughts to concisely put it for everyone. I just want to say... (this just happens to be the last thought of my day)

i always want to be wanted, to be chased, to be needed, to be pursued. you didn't do that for me. but he's been after me for so long.

i always hope you appreciate me, enjoy me, be pleased with me. you don't give me the kind of approval i'm always looking for. but i am his delight!

i always want to be respected, treated well, loved and cared for. you always say you tried. but he's given it to me time and time again.

and thats the difference between me, you and him. Good thing is that i'm just as flawed as you are.... and he's just the exact opposite.

a human fails a human's expectations, a human does not attain a human's hopes. Only he can.

i wonder why when i can sit back and think about how demanding i am, how he can still love me. see the goodness in me. where is my goodness? my goodness resides in him... and he resides in me. isn't that awesome? that when he sees me, he sees me... but he sees himself too.

*ok... see what i mean by i'm thinking too much... good for me though. to meditate on his law and word day and night*

uplift me Father, i surrender
i cant hold on, i cant keep repeating my troubles
deliver me somehow
give me music, give me my new song
i want to sing again
God, You have never failed me
in You alone, i will find strength
life, full of hope, joy, peace and
love.
Father God, save me.

I'm saying a prayer. i had a long qt this morning, which is good... making up for my 10 mins ones wehre i'm super sleepy and all. I guess the key is not to do my qt when i'm sleepy. sometimes i feel like i have no choice... but i do. I can choose to wake up.

my important choice for today is:
I choose to trust Him. I need Him to rescue me from who i am. cos sometimes, i feel like i'm digging my own grave. like when i've slept 4 hours, have a quiz, 2 meetings tonight, and want to jog, study, play and breathe. and stop eating. But i trust, that somehow, God will get through my thick-headed skull... and work things out for me.

pretty winter

a wintry morn

same morning as below. took this with eileen's camera on our way out to the cafeteria. nice right? would have gotten a really nice shot of myself in the chair looking and contemplating, but it was weat and had snow. so that was a no-go.
Yes, it only snowed once here.... and I'm grateful. though it snowed, and the weather was warm and it melted. and then it melted, and the weather is COLD again.

winter snow

snow


and more...

not very clear pics... it was beauttiful! unfortunately, ling borrowed my camera, and so i had to use my webcam... which well... =P oh well... you get the idea. It was nice... snowy but not freezing cold. Sad thing is that it's all melted. sigh....

sleepy.

yup, my room is packed and cleaned. my files are organised, my list of homework to do is written. I think before i set out to accomplish everything, i will take a break

i will probably sleep... and be up in an hour or so.

fuzzy warm

bear!

fuzzy wuzzy and warm. He's super huggable, and... argh. simply put, it's an awesome gift from an awesome person. =P haha. Hozea sent me this as a suprise (for v-day i think) but it came a bit too early... nonetheless it was the right time for me! I really needed some TLC yesterday... haha and he cheered me up immensely. So thank you dear... thanks alot!!! And I will think of a better name than "Brownie" soon, =)

=) here you go

• clime: climate, the weather in some location averaged over some long period of time
• milieu: a) an enviroment or setting |b) the social setting of a mental patient
  
• palimpsest: a) a manuscript, typically of papyrus or parchment, that has been written on more than once, with the earlier writing incompletely erased and often legible |b) an object, place, or area that reflects its history.
• redolent: a) having or emitting a frangrance or odor |b) suggestive, reminiscent
  
• epithet: a) a descrptive word or phrase |b) a defamatory or abusive word or phrase
  
• thetic:a) beginning with, constituting, or relating to the thesis in prosody (which is the study of verse)|b) presented dogmatically; arbitrarily prescribed.
• corpus: a) a large collection of writings of a specific kind or on a specific subject |b) collection of writings or recorded remarks used for linguistic analysis.
• vacillate: a) to sway from one side to the other; oscillate |b) swing indecisively from one course of action or opinion to another
• ephebe: a youth between 18-20 years of age in ancient Greece
  
• transmuted: to change from one form, nature, substance, or state into another; transform
• emanate: a)to come out from a source| b)to give out or emit

sorry it took so long... i was busy!

English... =) how baffling

A couple of interesting words in my prof's thesis on inter-textuality, anyone care to hazard a guess? I'm sure that you know some, and can guess a few... =) hee.. there were even more, but i got tired of typing them out. Answers tomorrow people!

• clime
• milieu
• palimpsest
• redolent
• epithet
• thetic
• corpus
• vacillate
• ephebe
• transmuted
• emanate

sigh

Mac mini


Sigh. Mac products just blow my mind. Introducing the Mac mini. a round of applause, if you will, for... well, technology!

you know when you are tired, and you have these waves of lightness that flood over you? yeah. i have that. I have been up since i dunno when this morning, and it's close to 1 am here. gosh. that's like the latest i've been up since i've been back here? argh. haha. tons of things to do. tons and tons. all my fault because i did not do them on saturday or sunday. you reap what you sow... and I sowed nothing over this weekend, so i better start sowing soon, or i will not be reaping anything. Thank God for His grace though, for when i am weak, He is strong. and best thing is... i am so unworthy of anything, yet i am precious in His sight. how does that make sense? i dunno. But i do know it's true.

goodnight peeps!

more earrings

feeling so unmotivated. thought i'd try and so something i've been wanting to do for a long time. didn't get much done, but here you are, the newest additions to my bandana from my trip home!

i'm really tired. and feeling very lethargic. dont want to do anything but read, sleep and eat. i think i had a fever last night actually... that may explain why i am tired. I don't know. need to get cracking on the homework, so i shall, even though i currently dont feel like it. we shall see what i can do.

mini revival

i have so many things that i want to say. I wish I were at home, i would probably share it in cell group, or even at BAY.

Lately, God has been bringing me, tthrough what I consider is a little spiritual revival. I want to share because I'm excited, I want to share so you all can keep me accountable, and I want to share to encourage you.

It started with repentance. As all true revivals must. To put my life in perspective was hard, because I had to jugde myself. I had to see how selfish I had become, how self-centered. I had to see how apathetic I felt towards somethings, and how I had let myself be deceived into believing things were fine. Most of all, I had to recognise my sins, (many plurals involved here) for what they were, choices I made in defiance of God. That's how base I am. I know I have this good and gracious God... and He is so forgiving and loving... and I took advantage of that, and I flouted all the rules, knowing He loves me and would forgive me. How evil am I to not understand that pain He must feel when I know, and intentionally hurt him, to do something which ultimately leads me to destruction? I don't know. But I know I made very bad choices... choices with friends, with giving, with family and with attitudes.

You guys may think i'm nuts. Saying all this. But it takes some confession in order to show God how sincere I am. I don't ever want to be that kind of girl who forgets her calling for her own dreams. But as I repented, and promised to remain committed to obeying God, my passion for people, change and ideas began to rise up again. I know this feeling. Something I haven't felt in a while, SIHFIAW? (Is that it?) .

So here they are, I am committed to: Spending time with God daily, in prayer, journalling, reading His word, and just being. Being still before God is very important this year. I am going to find some way to be actively involved in church, even if it's dishing out food, I will find something. I will pray for my girls back home... too many to name. I will try to keep Becky and Hozea accountable. I will keep track of my non-christian friends. I will communicate more with my family. I will minister to the girls on my wing by encouraging them and praying for them.

I will repent daily, and maybe have a mini spiritual revival everyday.

Do this for me. Ask me to pray for you. The other day, someone sent me an email asking for prayer... I prayed on the spot... but later that day, I was so burdened to keep praying about it. And I still am. I can't guarantee that I will be burdened for every prayer, but I guarantee God will. I really... i love my youth back home alot... and I can't do much but email, chat and pray.

Long blog? Last thing for now. This is a message that was given on Wednesday Chapel. Be inspired to find your destiny through these guidelines:
M: Make godly plans on purpose. Prov 19:21
A: Ask directions. Trust the Word of God as your map. Prov 3:4-5
P: Pace yourself. Don't burn out. Numbers 20
Q: Quit being pig-headed. Luke 15: 11ff
U: Undo your mistakes. Mark 11:22-25
E: Experience life.
S: Stop listening to bad advice. 1 Cor 15:33
T: Take time to fall in love with Love. 1 Cor 13
(MAPQUEST is the name of a popular search engine that Americans use to find the way to their destination)

Don't be afraid to repent, and fix what went wrong. Don't be afraid to judge yourself now, because it's better you see yourself, then wait till you face God on the throne and have nothing to say. Enjoy a mini revival, find the route to your destination in Christ. Do something.

please.

say hi to the fam!

my family

from left to right:
Chen Enhan Jonathan aka: jono, boy, jon, enhan, jon-jon. Aspiring musician, computer and math and science and english whiz (he's smart lah!), book-lover, computer games fan. Weapon of choice: squeezing various family members under the guise of a "hug". Really good boy though... considering he's 15 this year.
Tan Hang Khee aka: daddy, dad, father (to us), dear (to mum) and "hunky", uncle monkey, alan, and more to friends and all. God-fearing, hardworking, sporty, bold and brave pioneer. Does everything, wants to make everything right. Loves to play board games, do crosswords (indoor) and then spend every other second outdoor... hiking, playing basketball, soccer, golf... what-have-you-nots. Lately, daddy's been very affectionate.
Victoria Tan aka : mummy, mum, mumsy, mother! (to us), dear (to dad). God-loving, flag-raising, spirit-filled, praying mother. Loves us, brought us up well. Has her ridiculous moments of buying ah-ma clothes, getting excitable and pointing out things she wants. Love to call her by all variations of "mum", especially when i'm whiny. ooh... mommy can cook really well... and dance too!
Chen En'Ai Jeanette aka: er-jie (to jono), 'ai (to jie), en'ai (to dad) and nanette (to mum). The latter is unfortunate. Happy laughy one, creative, helpful. Apple, pineapple, strawberries and fruit fan. Refer to comments below.
Chen En-hui Elizabeth aka: da, jie, dajie, sis, sissssssie (when i'm whiny), enhui (to dad and mum), miko (to relatives). Smart, generous, wise, talented, godly, independant. Parents defer to her for decisions at times. Right place, right time. Jie's the best dajie on earth! Lately, she's been through alot. Strong and yet broken. Closest to me.

It's hard writing about myself as part of my family. I don't know if I have an accurate assessment of what my family thinks of me. Officially, I am the fashion consultant (what shirt matches? what skirt should I buy? which colour ah?), the "pretty" one (cos I mean... i guess that's all i'm good for!), the artsy one (can you draw this for me? enai, help me color. I want a shirt with glittery flowers ok?) and the fruit-cutter and eater. But i'm also the flighty and stray one. My family constantly reminds me (don't get lost, where are you going? what are you doing? why are you giggling? make sure you come back ah!). I think they like me being helpful (i do the cooking when i'm back in sabah), but they also think I get too involved with other people.

I'm closer to my mum and my sis. Jie and I have been through alot together- we stayed on our own... and still do whenever we are back in singapore together. She's a year older than me. We talk, email, msg, skype and pray. I'd be such a mess if God did not give me my jie. I love spending time with my mumsy her when she's around... she's awesome and I know she loves me, even when she doesn't support everything I do. She's my mum and still needs to be the one who holds the rod firmly.

I am thankful for my family though. For my godly heritage, for my upbringing. For the sheltered life I had, and have... and for the letting go that they have been willing to go through. For the love that has helped me to find God's love, and has helped me to pour out love to others. God, =) Thank You. Be glorified in us.

sunday

I was struck by one thing in my text book... which is that as Christians, we often think that we have to be perfect, and have to portray perfect. Truth is that while God intends us to live a victorious life, it doesn't always work out that way. And we need to be honest with that, and then learn to share it, learn to give it back to God, learn to let go... learn to be broken.

I think i struggle with that alot, to be honest. So here's an entry from my heart. I'm not perfect... but I strive... but meanwhile, I can stumble and stumble and its ok.

Today, for example, I am awfully lonely. I miss my morning teh-C/breakfast with cherie. I miss sitting in the worship hall and waiting for people to arrive, I miss worshipping with people i love, I miss sitting next to a sleepy becky... I miss being able to say "we" instead of "i" in songs, I miss looking at familiar faces, I miss rushing down to find my grandma, I miss tea fellowship and meeting random aunties who ask after my parents. I miss sunday school, and the loitering with others before and after. I miss hozea and the time we spend on sundays . It's not like i'm all alone here, but it certainly feels like I am. Everything today is almost a buzz... my mind, alot of it was in conversation (or whining) with God. WHY? WHY? WHY? why am I here? why am I not home? why is home so far? and yet, I know the answer.

"I am here" "I called you here" "There's something for you here" "You're learning more than you would" "Stop being selfish, get out of your comfort zone" "Stop whining, you are getting what every other student in Singapore wants" "I love you, I'm with you..." "I'll give you strength to get through" "Use this to glorify me" "Get equipped!"

Is there resolution? I think i'm stable... God is good, and I am rather base... but for God's amazing grace, I am alive and loved... and I can learn to deal with it.

photos

well, i'm back... and so they are up.
to save time, and effort... I uploaded all my pics on one album... so I mean... I guess it'd ok for you guys to see pictures of me with people you don't know... i didn't get shutter happy this time... so they are normal posed-for pics... not the spontaneous random ones that sometimes happen

go here if you want to see who I spent my time with this dec.

Oh... pictures with my family, from the photo shoot are pending. they're in the mac, and i'm using the dell and too tired to transfer images right now.

i miss you all. and hey.

I know things aren't always as perfect as we want them to be. we're all broken people... we've been hurt and have hurt others. letting God heal isn't easy, but it's better than letting it fester...

We're also all unsatisfied souls... we always want more and give less. chasing our own passions isn't easy, but chasing God's passions is even harder.

back

sigh... i'm back in tulsa.

yes. i have jet lag, and i am giddy and tired... hungry and have no appetite, lonely and still trying to catch up with everyone here. my room is a mess, my brain is a mess... and yes, i miss home. I miss you people... and yes, i miss you, hozea. (has anyone seen his blog??? got pictures... if you wanted to see.. then see his page lah!)

BECKY!!! i tell you something sad, don't cry though. We forgot to take a picture AGAIN!!! so this effectively means that the last pic we took together was the airport one... STILL!! that is so sad lor. I guess you don't really think of taking photos when you're out rushing around, helping me buy stuff for home. Thanks Becks. I don't think anyone else would love me that much to follow me around doing stuff. haha. we don't have the money to hang out that much anyway.

okie.. to chapel once more. I think i really miss that though.. so that's a good thing!

bye bye

argh. times flies. that's a cliche... but it does, expecially when you're home. I'm leaving for school, tulsa that 24 hour horrendous flight... it's always worse going back to tulsa, cos you aren't looking forward to anything. though i do sorely miss the chow family and eileen...

argh. another one for how my luggage can be so heavy when I can't remember buying much. Please don't remind me that one entire luggage is made up enitrely of food. I don't wish to remember that I bought that much food, for what? for comfort? why will I need comort? cos i wont be home... *and the whining continues, but i will spare dear readers of my head noise*.

argh. I haven't written all the letters I wanted to, met up with all the people I want to, spent enough time with the people that I did get to meet up with, find that social service agency that I wanted, or even eat all the things that I wanted to. There's never enough time to do all you want. Least I did see my family for a week...

okiedokie dearies. I love you all. pics will be up when I get home and perhaps on the first weekend when I'm more settled. earlier is I decide i miss you all too much. =)

*hugs*

Thanks to all btw, that I did get to see and talk to, even for the shortest. Cheryl? how did the appeal go? Hozzy? did you manage to get more work? Tell me about gab's hair kay? Hazel, I plan to call you, but how is shatec going? are leeyin's shirts nice? becky.. haha.. hope the bidding thing goes well lah. i'll talk to you more some day. cherie... eh. if i'm not going to sleep tonight, then can I read the letter now? after all.. BEFORE I go to bed can be anytime BEFORE more.. never say immediately before!, Abby.. i have letter for you, Jane too!!! er. see if I can get someone to pass to you babes ok? There's more that I have in my head, but now I have to go and shower, and then finish packing so i can head down to meet ivin and joyce and kel for dinner at their new apartment! yay. =)

distilling God's grace

Distilling.

It's the end of the year again. Previous year-ends have meant so much in terms of sharing and rebuilding and redirecting. Lately, the year-end is merely another day less to going home, another day to rush around doing all that needs to be done.

What really needs to be done is to spend time with God. I feel like the bustle of having my sis and family around really stopped me from doing my qt. It was good to do family devotions, and pray with my sis... but I miss my alone time with God. I kinda think He must have know that too because today, Jah fell sick and cant meet me... thus giving me the whole morning to effectively spend my time with God and myself.

Looking back at 2004, I must say that this year has been full of God's grace. I've been through alot. Maybe not fire, and fury or brimstone or death... but tough studies, emotionally trying times, spiritual highs and lows and a lot of loneliness. I've learnt more than I imagined... about God, myself, my parents, my sis, my friends....

In this year of grace, I've kept my 4.0 (important for scholarships), I've completed enough courses fitting 4.5 years of study into 3, I've dropped my graphic design major for an art minor, I've been to church camp, I've been up Mount Kinabalu, I've changed church in Tulsa, met new American Chinese friends, had Eileen come, became a leader on my wing, done a little bit of field experience, healed friendships, joined msn, started this blog, left my teenage years behind, got attached....

Ha. God has been really good though. I feel myself slowly becoming used to the idea that He really is full of grace and compassion, and that He's really accesssible. I have talked to God alot, but it's just that, I think this year... my conversation with God has been more integrated with my own life. I think more often than not, I sit and try to hear God for other people... which is good... but being able to hear Him even when I'm not in deep intercession... that something that I really think has surfaced more and more this year.

Well... So I guess i'm going to spend the rest of todasy waiting with open arms to hear from God about last year and the next year. For me, for us, for my family and friends... I guess I want to encourage you guys to take that little time off to think about what your year has been. Not in the "i need to share in 5 minutes" sense, but in well... just peace and surrender... knowing that the bad things that have happened will be redeemed, and the good things that have happened requires us to show our gratitude. Think about God, and our walk.. and distill all those memories... into a sense of knowing that somewhere, this year fits into a bigger purpose for our entire lives.

quickie

hey. I haven't posted for ages and ages. that's cos i've been happily sitting here in singapore....
ok.. not sitting. rather, rushing around madly meeting up with my beloved people and all that good stuff.

I've got just a couple of minutes before i go and start doing more important stuff to just random jot down interesting and good things
I love my family even though it really isn't easy spending time with thme sometimes.
I love someone else. haha =) a lot of people actually.
Becky my darlingest best friend is back. she misses thailand. but i'm glad she's home. singapore feels more complete with her around
Hozea... poor boy is tired and has to be in camp ALL day. thast makes me sad cos i don't get to see him! sigh.
Hazel... she's ok... just bored I guess.
My family went back to sabah yesterday
my house is clean, my clothes are washed and the area is packed. nice.
I am sniffing
I want to do something meaningful. I haven't sat and been nice and good for a long time.... just been rushing. which is fine.... but i need some down time.... meaningful down time.
WHERE IS SERENE?
haha. and of course. ARGH for the senior practicum that is not working out..

love you all. later!!! (when i get back to US ie. 5 jan)

Come join me!

Dear friend, you are invited to join En'ai/ Jeanette (whatever your preference may be) on the 10th December.

hey people, this is an "official" invitation to come join me on my birthday! I don't know what I'll be doing...hahah but we'll be having some kind of meal somewhere at sometime. I know.. you need details... so do i! but unfortunately... i don't have them. SORRY! I kindly refer you to Kel. Ask Kel whats happening.

It's not a birthday party or something like that... please don't feel obliged to bring a gift... I just would love to see you. and that ... would be present enough. So please come! come empty handed, but full of love... and that will be more than sufficient to make me feel special.

=) 3 days. haha... the phrase "so close, yet so far" is truly apt for this moment.

well... i've got 4 major exams within that time, and a take home paper to complete... packing and cleaning and saying goodbye and "Merry Christmas" to my friends here, and then i'll be ready to leave.... home!!! HOME!

yeah. back to work on that paper!

home ;o)

i'm a little lightheaded right now... blame in on the fact that my wonderful professor cancelled his classes for the rest of his week, or on the fact that it's FREEZING cold and wet outside, or on the fact that i have a pile of things to get done, or the lack of sleep...

whatever it is... I'm in a mood to be jumpy and hyper. It's down to single digits people.. I'm finally getting to go home. Gosh. I know you guys are probably happy for me... but just try to imagine how excited I am. I think God is SO GOOD. argh!

I'm coming home !!!!*accompanying jig around the room*

I still have classes, then 2 papers on Mon (6th dec) and another 2 on Tue (7th dec)... and then flying off on 8th (dec) at 6am... to arrive home on 10th dec (0000hrs) =) YAY!

lalalaa... important things to get done before i go home: pay next sem's school fees, hang in portfolio and illustrator projects, review for 5 finals, wrap up practicum, prepare gift for my girls, hold 2 parties for my kids and my girls... and get a place to do my senior practicum in summer.

ooh. I am just so excited.... 9 days to home...

I'm sorry, excuse the ranting. I just wanted to say hi. I don't blog often and I haven't heard from you guys (if you are reading my blog...) in ages... so tag me... say hi! leave me a couple of words of encouragement that I can make it through all this... and I will see ya SOON at home!

THANKSGIVING

Americans celebrate Thanksgiving in a pretty big way... I think the thing I like most about it, is the fact the family gets together and has fun... the food is not as big as everyone makes it to be, it's the company, and the memories...

I wish I had family here, so that at least somehow Thanksgiving would be important to me. But I am going over to Chris and Jenn's house, and will get a chance to be with family... someone else's family...

I am thankful to God for
Him! He has been so so good to me, even though I can be so awful. It just blows me away.
family, that least I do have, just that they are nowhere near me
an elder sister who is just... well. She's MY older sister, but i'm sorry you can't all have her.
friends that support and love me, and encourage me in way they cannot imagine
Chris and Jenn and Mason and baby Abigail, and Mr and Mrs Chow who have been so nice and generous to me here in Tulsa
a best friend who I know misses me, even though it's been a while
a break to do my piles of work, and to rest a little
a chance to go home in less than a fortnight
a special someone who loves me, and well, is just wonderful..
and a lot of other things that I can't begin to describe

just 2 more weeks !!!

Finally!

it's finally thanksgiving. Praise God that i've made it this far. This has been one incredible incredible semester so far... just having to rely so much on Him... =) but i'm really excited about my 5 days... I get to sit down and complete all these assignments, and study for my finals, and finish up these 8 classes (well, one HPE class down.. =P) strong!

you dont want me to list out all i have to do within the next 5 days. but you do wanna hear this.

I'm happy. I really feel like coming home. I miss you guys, and spent time praying for camp and people back home just now.

coming home!

i realised that I was miscounting. so that's why I skipped from 19 days left to 17 days. Cos you don't count the day that you leave =) yay! 17. that's incredible.... that's exciting, exhilarating... and kinda scary. I shant bore you with all the things i have to do. Most of you are having fun at camp, and by the time you read it'd be less than 2 weeks.

by the way, for all of you who don't know yet. I'll be back at 0000hrs on the 10th december 2004, and then leaving early morning on 4th january 2005. My parents will be back from the 22-28 dec, and so during that time, i wont be seeing you guys (not even for christmas I think... depends). but other than that.... please come hang out with me. I miss you all so so so much.

if you guys didn't know, the 10th dec is also my 20th birthday. =) so... if you are free on that day, it would be wonderful if we could all go for lunch together... i know at night got leader's meeting... so. BUT yeah. my brother will be in singapore too. I dunno.. find some place to just hang out and all. anyone interested?

yeah... and no need to come and pick me up at the airport lah. I guess i'll be so tired that I'll want to go to bed immediately... despite oversleeping on the journey home.

haha. questions, comments?

ooh... just have to say this. i'm going to miss my best friend terribly terribly terribly much.

drumroll please

Announcing the arrival of Abigail Chow!

http://share.shutterfly.com/osi.jsp?i=EegNG7JmybtWGx

yay!!!!

oh wow. I am so so so blessed.

I was so shocked when I heard from the girls in my wing that they saw a package with "Chen, Jeanette" written on it sitting on the post office shelf waiting to be picked up. I never got to the post office unless I was expecting a package... and of course, I was not expecting one.

THANK YOU Ivin and Joyce. =) haha.. I guess i will send then a thank you card later, cos I'm pretty sure they dont read right? but if you all see them before I get to them, can you please tell them how grateful I am? The package really really brightened me up, and it was not getting the goodies, but just knowing that someone back home cared enough about me... God is really really good to let me have people who love me. (Becky will understand the sentiment behind the getting food in the mail i'm sure!)


For all who are interested.. =) I got

care package from joyce and ivin
(In clockwise rotation beginning from the PEZ.
- Hello Kitty PEZ sweet
- Movv and Mov's hairclip (can anyone remember the blue/orange ones I had in sec 3/4? oh my.... I loved them)
- Mug noodles (very cute! got cat and pig... don't ask me what flavours they are though)
- Hello Panda (strawberry, chocolate and milk)
- Hello Kitty strawberry sticks
- Winnie the Pooh chocolate sticks
- Milky milk candy
- Orange Polo sweets (now this one is something I've never seen before)
* haha... i'm so blessed!!! =P
*hug* thanks guys!

but you know, what really really really topped it off, was this letter from Hozanna... just to hear from someone back home... something personal... haha... I think i've read this letter like 5 times in the last 12 hours that i've had it! I haven't got a real paper letter in forever.... of course, I haven't sent out one either... but receiving letters is awesome!!

letter from hozanna

it's 7 days to thanksgiving.there's a new song running around inside my head.my room is really clean and i'd like to keep it that waybut it does not reflect my state of mind or heart.Adam plays the guitar really well, but i'd like to give him a punch for embarrassing me.it's not his fault.I've got a lot of homework, and i'm under no academic stressdoes not mean i'm not stressed though, but there is more to life than homework.I'd like to watch a sweet movie.Even work at my slack office assistant job is picking upso much so they got me an internet connection and a phone line.oooh. I learnt new chords from Adam today.I miss msn, i miss talking to people, i miss you.i've got 22 more days to home

counting down...

if you've seen me online, and i appeared to ignore you, i'm sorry. Maybe i was not there, but i left my computer on, maybe i was there, but busy doing my homework, or something else, or maybe i just couldn't talk to you.

ask me how I am, i'd say "busy and tired": standard operating response. but if you really wanna know, then i can tell you. i'm more than busy and tired... that's kinda physical... but emotionally, i'm stressed, frustrated, confused and just...

I want to isolate, not get hibernate but bury deep... I want to run far and soar away... but i want to stay grounded and work through it.

so... i'm sorry if i've not around like i am usually. i know though, and you are constantly in my thoughts.

i hope that you guys have a wonderful week. i know you all must be excited about BAY camp... and that's awesome. I'll be praying that all of you will have a personal encounter with God and grow... both the leaders and the campers! =) because God is always there. =)

fuzzy brain, wet feet, clean room

in my head, there's a this fuzzyness. Like... you've turned on the tv, but all you get is static.

i walked in my socks (to keep my sports shoes from getting wet) in the pouring rain back from class tonight. It was FREEZING cold. and tons of fun.

i cleaned my room. it's been horrible since the invasion of the art project deadlines, but they've retreated to re-evaluated their assignments, while i've taken some control over my physical space!

good morning WORLD!

I've been up since 3:30am. That's 3 3/4 hours of sleep for last night, and 4 for the night before. You may ask why those hours. =) It's strange. I'm at that point where there's so much work that technically, I can't afford to sleep. But I can't do my work well if I have not rested. So, I go to bed when I can't take it (usually 11:30-12:30 ish) and wake up 4 hours later (round off) and begin work again.

This has kinda been good (i've done this since last wed?) because I'm awake by the time it gets to 6am, when I will change and do my QT. And it's really nice and quiet, serene and just calm. I love mornings. LOVE them.

So good morning world!

Today I declare that I will have dominion over all things. That God's power in me will accomplish great tasks and win great favor. That the strength that I do not have will appear, that the presentations, the projects and the assignments due will be more than acceptable. I speak life and healing into today. I will walk in faith.

And I say the same for you. I pray that you will have joy, peace, hope and experience abundant love today. That God will present Himself to you in places you have not met Him before, and you will have the sweetest companionship you've had in a long while. God whose love never fails will be your shelter, your adventure, your sustenance, your embrace, your song, your anchor, which ever you need, God will be there to love you.

Amen. And good morning God. =)

God answers

this morning, I got up, and told God... that I was tired of sleepy quiet times when i don't get anything because i'm not able to open my eyes long enough to read. I wanted the word... and i wanted it to mean something. and well =) here is Isaiah 28:23-29, in my understanding.

The passage talks of how a farmer does not keep preparing to sow all the time, because he knows when the ground is ready to take the seeds. It then talks about how he will not use the wrong tool for the wrong job, or keep threshing the grain when it is ready to be ground. The farmer has such wisdom, because he learnt it from our Father.

In the same way. God knows each of us. He created us, and knows what we were intended for, when we are ready to face the challenges, and when we are done with that refining moment. Yes, with God it's a repeated process, but just as the farmer knew just how much beating and threshing the grain could bear, God, in His wisdom and love, knows how much we can take.

That spoke to me, cos i'm at the end of my rope. Facing bigger things than I thought possible... and it's not just schoolwork and grades, dont write me off as that shallow, please. It's about family, friends, future... what I do here, what I do EVERYDAY impacts my eternity. And while i cant be threshed everyday, it certainly feels like i'm being threshed now. =) But God knows, and He knows how much I can take, and He knows the right time for everything.

So.
Becky =) it's ok if we cant spend as much time as we wanted... God knows where we are supposed to be at that time, you out there, me back home.
Hazel, jia you... the challenges you face, in family and in school... and in church is what God knows you can handle.
Abby, there's a point where maybe you feel like you are ready... and maybe God knows when the time is perfect...
Cherie, triple science or not... you're God's tool in all ways and He'll know where to place you.
and you. I have faith that God doesn't put two tools like the plough with the yoke if they weren't meant to work together at the right time... so i'm praying...

this weekend....
1) organise
- clean up the chaotic room

2) do assignments
- story board project
- leadership presentation
- progress reports for counselling
- Ivey assignment (counselling workbook)
- Agency presentation
- and more.... (not due next week though)

3) REST
- I need to rest.
- listen to some jazz
- go work out and get endorphin levels up =)
- talk to people

haha.... i have alot of things on my plate... but they will get done. I'm almost done with the social assessment, and my progress notes are coming along.

I miss all of you guys though. You are on my mind. =)

as i eagerly strike off each day, i wish and hope and pray.
that time would fly by,and yet that it would stay.
i am living in the now for the future you see,
and learning to be as joyful as can be.

it's close to 5am. I got up at 3am to study. thinking about whether to go to bed for 1 hour and get up and work a little more. or keep working. or wake up 1.5 hours later and then to class and get it done. I'm a little uninspired for graphic design right now.

=) But God is good. =) SO GOOD!

Praise God. for whatever comes my way, I am blessed