a little getaway

Eileen and i had a little getaway this morning/afternoon. It's strange how i see her SO much less... now that i only go to school once a week... She has her own life, and I have mine, and once in a while, on a weekend, we get a chance to sit and talk. Today's location? First Watch.

On the menu? Coffee, omelette (gravy train)- Eileen's, cranberry nut pancake-mine (though we always share!) and loads of conversation.

I miss that.

and then my thoughts had their little getaway.

It's not like I don't miss being able to hang out with you... or being able to talk to you like i know you, or being able to understand you. But it's true... just like in the past, barriers that are up find it hard to come down... and with the little time I have, it's not been possible. I wish things were different. I wish like Eileen, there would be at least one day a week for some time out. But its more like one day a year, if that.

I rationalize it like that.

But inside it hurts. It hurts that you feel rejected by me. It hurts me to see you so wary and clammish that I dont have a chance to get in. It hurts that you don't understand me either, just the same that I don't understand you anymore.

At the end, i smile. I think that I have to stop feeling guilty for having changed, for being away, for not being free whenever you are not busy... for having family around. I think that you have to stop feeling guilty for not understanding what's goin on, for not being free, for not being comfortable, for holding on to the ghosts of the past.

I loved the past. I thought it rocked. But i'm trying to love the now. I don't think it's that hot. But what? Roll with the punches (with the nodding head and the head movements)

Sigh.

Ahh.. what a mental getaway. I know i'm far from perfect, and i never claim to be. I wont claim to be who i'm not. But I did, do and will love you as best as i can.