Sisters, Daughters, Girlfriends... lend me your ears (or eyes)...

We need to know

Today, I really felt a sudden need to say... We all need to start loving ourselves and stop our self-bashing. I dunno why we do it, but I am now declaring a war against inadequacy, low self-esteem and the inferiority complex.

I know we all have our moments, and some of us never stop feeling this way. But we shouldn't, and being human is not a good excuse anymore. See, the devil has been pulling the wool over our eyes, having us believe we are not ideal. And somemore, that if we were ideal, then we would be loved and accepted and that will equal contentment, fulfillment and peace.

ALL LIES.

Truth is, God is the only answer. And I know... we all will say, we have God! We know He loves us, we know He accepts us. No we don't know it really. Because if we internalised it, then we would really be very comfortable. Give an example. Your mother at home doesn't always wear the sexiest or most gorgeous clothes, she doesn't wear make-up all the time, and really in front of your father, she is just casual and happy. Most important of all, your mum isn't anything else but herself, she can change infront of your father and not try to hide. She can be weak and needy... why? Because your mum knows your father loves her and accepts her in any packaging, so she can be absolutely comfortable with who she is, and what she does.

I dont know if that made sense. But we dont have to strive in God's love. We can actually enjoy ourselves. We need to see the good things about ourselves in the mirror instead of zooming in on the bad ones. We need to revel in ourselves, the way God revels in us. Smile into the mirror and imagine the smile on God's face, laugh at our silly mistakes, clap wildly at our accomplishments and encourage ourselves towards the tasks ahead.

I know I've said it over and over.... but I have to keep saying it. My heart is broken for the girls, young ladies and women out there... myself included. That we can't be joyful and be secure in ourselves, and that we keep thinking that there is something else that we ought to be, in order to match up to the ideal.

When God looks at us, He sees only the perfections, because Jesus' blood stands between us, and Him. But we need to accept the blood, and God's love in order to be behind that screen.

Where am I going with this? That it all boils down to facing up to the truth. Maybe it's easier to hide under our feelings of inadequacy... physical, mental, social or spiritual... maybe... but the truth will set us free... Free! Free from the bondage of the depression cycle, the constant need for attention and for affirmation from others. It will set us free from ourselves, and see who we are. Through the eyes of the Maker.

Please try. please...don't let yourself swim in a bog forever. We need to arise, need to live. We need to help each other out.

I love God

I think it's amazing how much time I can spend with God if I choose... Today, I had a craving for a hot breakfast instead of cereal again... (i have been cereal alot, not just for breakfast...) and so walked over at 8am to the deli at the school building for a caramel latte and scrambled eggs. I love love love mornings cos everything is kinda slow and calm and serene... and I sat there, enjoying my breakfast alone with God. And then I walked back to the dorm... and had a good walk with God. Hahah.. then I came back and everything was a big flurry with Abby and trying to help her breathe. I love Abby... she is a darling... she is so precious... and =) i miss her! But then walking back for class, God was there... and throughout the rest of my day, spent reading books, walking down to Walmart (singing) and even getting a ride home! But I could feel God presence on me. That is so good.. to know that in "normal" days, when you dont feel special, God is still there... and the knowledge of that was so exhilarating that I wanted to sing and worship and sigh.. i whispered... "I love you" everytime I walked outdoors. Don't tell me it's the summer air, I'm believing that God is around... how else could I have gotten a ride home from Walmart after buying grapefruits, apples, big carton of soy milk, a litre of water, a frying pan, EGGS and more stuff and planning to walk home. And before you tell me I always do this to myself, I wanna say that God was walking with me.. so we were good.. even if we were alone!

You have captured my heart
I'm captivated by You
Never will You and I part
I've fallen deeply in love with You
- chorus from "Deeply in Love" by Hillsong

which are the exact words I have for my Father today. I adore, worship and truly love You. You are everything, and if I didn't have You... then I would be absolutely nothing, but with You, I have life. I wanna dance, wanna sing, wanna "yell it from the mountain-tops"! I have You, God!!! I have my heart's desire... do you?

books, best friends, love and life

I got my 8 janette oke books... as the self-confessed sop.. and unusually careless reader... i finished 3 already!! I'm trying SO hard to ration my books... haha... one more tonight.. and 4 for tomorrow... isn't it sad how long 8 books can last me? Reading is a crazy addiction. Reading my janette oke (christian novels) is like... insane addiction. And it's all about love and life... in a good encouraging way that makes me want to be more perfected by God.

Best friends are the most special people in the world... almost! There is my family... my sister... and someone that will be more special... but can you actually measure special? anyway... and Becky =) replied my email today. I love Becky, because she just is. I love.. her becky-ness. I wish.. =) that she would love herself more! Becky and I... we are all about love and life... loving each other, and encouraging each other through life. God is so good to us!

Another really special sister-in-christ.. is someone who i've talked to online today for maybe 3+ hours (morning and night). I'm so blessed by Serene... and the fellowship that I get to have... today we talked about love and life... and I am so glad for her, and yet ache for her too =) but it will turn out good, cos we know that in love and life, God is the best fufillment. WAGOH ;)!

Love and Life. That is God. God is Love, God is Life. Amen! =)

hahah!!! yeah! I'm an AUTHENTIC APPLE

I was bored, and took this personality test... haha. Probably says more about what I LOVE to eat rather than who I am... but APPLE! whoa... I think this is one of the only personality tests that actually sound vaguely like me.. =) i'm happy! eat apple!

Authentic Apple

True to the core, you're adored for being both good-natured and caring. In fact, when it comes to friends, you're the gold standard — the one everyone comes to for advice, perspective, and plain old good times. Truth is, people just like having you around. Must be something about your solid disposition that everyone finds so appealing. Or maybe it's the fact that you show your true colors so people know you're the real deal...

Regardless, it's not surprising that you mix so well in so many situations — from large get-togethers, to one-on-one time. Whatever your goals, you aim high while keeping your feet firmly planted on the ground. Overall, the people in your life trust you because you are willing to give straight advice and honest feedback. With your pleasant approach, and drive to find excitement in even the littlest things, it's no wonder you're the apple of so many eyes.

go here to take it!

crazy multiple me

yeah... took a bunch of me in the mirror before i went of for the wedding, in which did did not allow camera flashes, and it was so dark (they were using the candle thing) so... no pics of the wedding that are nice... I took a really nice shot of elaine too! =P and then of me... and I just threw them together... not well done, but I'm really tired... =) but I really like the shots... a bit too much of me... but the pics turned out nice... haha.. I kinda look nice... haha...

and goodnight to you folks out there again. =) It's been a wonderful blessed day =).

Dear God, tonight I pray that you will bless all my wonderful friends back home. Father, that as they have fellowship and enjoy their day, that You would be present in their lives. Protect them from the evil schemes of the enemy, guide them through the tough choices they will make today and hold them close when they feel lost. You are an awesome awesome Father! and we love You! Thank You for enjoying us the way You do. Amen!

multiple-me! 

and off to a wedding *sigh*

I honestly think I love weddings... maybe it's a girl thing... but I'm always told that I generalise too much about girls, thinking that every girl is like me... but I betcha many girls are! Weddings are the *sigh* how can one put it... the end and the beginning... true, it's the marriage that counts, but the way you celebrate your marriage really says something about the couple... and it's just awful sweet... to be able to declare your greatest human love in front of all the other people you love.... *sigh* yes. I am a self-declared sop. and yes. I definately wanna get married one day.

have you ever dreamt about your wedding? haha.. I have... and the only thing I really remember about it? Is that becky was singing a silly song for me... sounded much like Pheobe and her "smelly cat" song in friends (I guess that could have been a long time ago since... I haven't watched tv, or that series in ages). haha.. and that's all I've I have recalled about my wedding dream. *sigh* need to dream more...

so now I'm getting ready to go for Joyce and Binh's wedding. Joyce is Elaine's cousin, and Elaine is my good friend here in school, and we met her on spring break in Dallas... and she is wonderful!! I love her... she loves all the sweetest romantic comedies and all the disney shows.. haha.. like me! except she actually has a collection of them! *sigh* I really need to do that... make a list of my favourite movies and then start to collect them... like I do with books... only... movies are expensive and I always have a problem thinking which I like best!

I've talked too much! =) so up up and away! Congrats to Joyce and Binh too! I hope I get a picture so I can show you guys... haha. I have NO pictures of Ivin and Joyce's wedding even though I was around the whole day! *sigh* haha. I want pictures!! gotta bug Ivin! =)

a big hug... and goodnight!

well, it's the end to another day. As always, this day has had it's ups and downs. Today, I got to chat online with hazel =) and got to read a book, did a little bit of work, went to walmart and also got to chat online with someone special. On the other hand, today I have been bored, watched movie previews, found that great grains cereal and blueberry morning were both sold out, did not do the paper I was supposed to do, and had a very intense conversation with someone. But it's a day that was worth living for!

So tonight, a big hug to all I love... that's God, my parents, my sis, my brother, becky, serene, abby, hozzy, cheryl, hazel, cherie... and there are just too many to name... =) I love you all... and you (you-know-who-you-are!) too! Goodnight one and all.. tomorrow will be a wonderful day!

to someone i love

Dearest friend,

It's been ages since we last got a chance to meet up and talk, or at least that's how it seems. We've been through alot, and in a way, we still are going through it. but I know that we'll both come out stronger. I long to tell you that friendships ought to be natural and come easy, but I guess after all... maybe not. I'm glad that you haven't given up on me though, because I don't want to give up on you.

We've known each other for many years now.. and I want to tell you, if I haven't told you enough, that I'm so very proud of you. You've matured and grown, into a beautiful young lady, with a lot of potential to grow even more. You've made it through really bad times, and God has been there. You've made it through really good times, and God has been there. So I know, that in the future, God will be there too!
I wanna give you a BIG hug and tell you that I love you. And you don't have to be perfect to be my good friend. I'm not anything worthy of that anyway. But I am glad that we can both be around to love each other. =)*hug* I love you.

love,
enai

after a good 3 miles...

one feels refreshed and somehow more energetic. I haven't been out in the sun (yes, there's still very bright sun here at 7 pm) and on the track in a long while... during this time, i've been back home to singapore, to sabah, to singapore, to penang, and then all the way back to tulsa. I have walked alot of shopping malls, climbed mt kinabalu, walked the treadmill, swam a lil and walked airport terminals. back here, i've walked to walmart and back... so this beats all! I got on the track!
*deep sigh of pleasure*
i definately walked about three rounds and ran one... but my muscles remember that I like to run. I walked a round, and then when I started to run, my muscles all felt in place... it was awesome! but of course i couldn't sustain it. tomorrow we shall try again... slow conditioning =).

and oh! I finished my third essay!!! *yipee* it's incredible what you can do when you run out of everything and your dependence on God kicks in to about 120%. especially when your mind is filled with other things like worrying for people and other bigger issues!

i love You! and you and you too!!!

taa-daaa!!!

I feel so pleased with myself! =) ok.. I definately have more work to do on this page... but look at it! It's yellow, orange and red!!! haha.. I could ask for nothing more!!! lala!

I guess my hours spent in computer club in Cedar were not that much of a waste after all... haha!! I can edite html. Not well of course... you can see the many problems I am facing... but!!! I will persevere... haha... that's from Cedar too!!! argh..

I am so happy this morning. I have typed 2 pages of my essay (though of course, i don't really know if i'm on topic or not), I have edited my blog =) and well, it's a BEAUTIFUL day..

sigh.. I had a good night, dreamt a crazy dream... I am happy!!!! *yay*

under serious serious construction

I have spent the last 3 hours... NOT studying, not doing my papers, nothing of the sort! I have spent them TRYING to get my header onto the blogger skin. Which I have done. YES, it looks bad right now, but it will be so so so much better once I get the hang of html and all that stuff again. =) I'll willing to give it a try at least!!! so enjoy the sunshine, even if it clashes with the green!

again 

welcome me to your world...

*deep breath* You know the feeling when you start something, and you wonder if you really want to do it, or you will still want to continue doing it in the future? That's how I feel. Besides the fact that I feel that it would be nice for people to get to read about me, it feels kinda stifling! Don't yell at me... It's like, your whole concept, presentation of yourself to others... it almost boxes you up before you even get there. =) and I refused to be boxed up... though I do it to myself too often.

But welcome me into your world! =) please?